Do you think that my bf is too controlling or am I over reacting?

Question

Here is the deal, I have been dating this guy for 6 monthes and when I met him I smoked. He was well aware. Now, if he even smells a cigerette on me he wont talk to me for at least a day, did I mention that he lives with me?? When I met him I smoked almost a pack a day, now I am down to 2 or 3. I have been smoking for 10 years, and I am quite proud that I have cut down. He however doesn't see it like that. I am affraid that he is using this as a control measure. His ex wife mentioned to a mutual friend that he was very controlling. What do you think??

Forgot to mention that I no longer smoke in my house or around him. I always wash my hands and chew on gum or brush my teeth after I smoke.

Answer 1

His actions would more accurately be called passive-aggressive. He's "punishing" you with the silent treatment, which is very immature.
His insistence that you stop smoking isn't *necessarily* controlling - it's more the WAY he does something than WHAT he does that is termed as "controlling." Does he present it as an order/demand/condition, or as a request, a plea, concern for your best interests?

Tell him that you are working very hard to overcome your addiction, and feel you have made a lot of progress - but that it is a long process and you won't be 100% smoke-free for quite a while yet. Remind him that you need his support and praise during this time, not his punishments for having not reached *his* goal yet.
Discuss and agree on new "ground rules" - you'll smoke outside the house and shower the smell off before coming to bed, and he'll not reprove you or punish you for the smokes you do enjoy.
If you can't agree and come to a positive solution, then perhaps you moved in together too quickly, and this relationship wasn't meant to be.

Answer 2

There is no way to judge whether someone is too controlling without being in the situation. Different people have different levels of acceptance, so any answers that you get here are going to be based on other peoples opinions and may not fit you. I can say, however, that the very fact that you are uncomfortable and felt the need to right this message is a sign that you personally think that he's controlling. Regardless of what others think, if you feel strange about it then you need to do something about it. Tell him how you feel. Like you said, you are proud that you have cut back and you are still trying. It's not his place to regulate at what pace you cut down on your smoking. You definitly need to let him know that you have an issue with it. If he gets upset then so be it. If he leaves you then you know that he was controlling and didn't want to stick around if he couldn't get his way.

Answer 3

This is really easy. He dated you when you smoked and knew it. Now, he's pouting because he's not getting his way.
The thing is he does not accept you the way you are, and if you were somehow to rid yourself of the habit, he'd find something else to pick on.

You could try the patch. In NYC if you dial 311, they give it for free. The thing is you should be proud of how far you've come.

The only one you can give this up for is you, not him. It's a chemical addiction, like Alcohol. drugs, etc.

I'd lose him and take 6 months off getting your life in a place where you can meet a mature person. I'd also try to end the dependency by seeing what triggers the desire to smoke and replace it with exercise, which always seems to help reduce the desire.

Also, write out a complete plan to stay healthy. What's missing? The cigarettes. Keep focusing on what makes you healthy and do it.

Answer 4

Well, he should be understanding in that it takes awhile for someone to quit smoking. He should be happy that you are smoking less. And I do think that he is over reacting by not talking to you for at least a day. You know that it is not easy to not smoke, and he should know that too. He should at least acknowledge that there must be reason why the TV commercials offer ways to quit smoking gradually.

So I wouldn't say that he is being controlling, just over reacting. And if his ex-wife said that he was very controlling, then I would reconsider staying with him longer. You may just be caught a in a situation later where he is controlling.

Answer 5

It sounds like you already answered your own question. At the least, you clearly have an opinion, and it is YOUR OPINION that matters most. Red flag 1: wife's feedback rings true to you, Red flag 2: You're already living together when you've only been dating for six months.

By the way, many addictions specialists believe it's harder to get off of nicotine than alcohol and some other drugs. I'm very very impressed by the progress you've made in just a few months. My "hat is off to ya!" You might also let your bf know that breaking a nicotine dependency is easiest when those around you encourage and support you, not tell you that your progress isn't good enough.

Answer 6

First off- congrats to you for cutting down- its really hard! But yeah, I don't agree with that whatsoever. He should be supportive that you have been doing so well. It would be one thing if the smell was all in the house you share all the time, but 2-3 a day is not a big deal. If its the smell, he can ask you to spray it off (some people are allergic afterall) and if he just doesn't like tasting it, you can brush your teeth, but first and foremost he went through all of this in the beginning. I'd tell him to shape up himself and quit being such a jerk.

Answer 7

he just probably wants you to be healthy even if he's being a bit of a spazz about it.
When my bf and I first met we were both smokers but then his granpa died of lung cancer and he quit cold turkey. It was a real issue for him that I was still smoking, he'd get really pissed off at me if he could smell it on me or saw me smoking. So my solution to that is: I don't smoke around him, I won't smoke just before I go home to him and I hide my cigs (because he had a habit of steeling my pack and flushing them down the toilet). I think he still knows I smoke but is being oblivious to it. Much like you I smoke maybe 3 in a day, one in the morning on the way to work, one at lunch and one during my pm break. I make sure to have lots of gum and hand santizer in my purse so he doesn't have to smell it.

Answer 8

honestly he isn't overreacting. the worst this a girl can do in a guys eye is be in contact with someone she was in a relationship with. i mean think about if. would you want him talking to his exgf? you might not see it his way but its pretty serious. there use to be a connection between you and your ex. why would your bf want you talking to someone you had a thing for? i have dumped girls for the same reason. if you cant respect that then you dont need to be in a relationship. the reason he gets mad about it is because he truly cares about you and doesn't want to have to worry about the other guys. either drop the EX or your bf. your relationship his the bf isn't gonna last if you don't. just being honest

Answer 9

Well it's hard to say. If this is the only problem, then I would say no. Even though he knew you smoked, he probably IS geting tired of smelling it and it now bothers him more than it did before. It is hard to have a relationship with a non-smoker if you smoke, and that's all there is to it!

Answer 10

For him to go to those extremes is a major problem it is not easy to quit smoking and he should be happy at your attempts he sounds very controlling when he should be encouraging you sounds like he is a controller run away as fast as you can the problems never end with them if it isn't one thing its another