An immediate family member is getting married and wants me to be a bridesmaid. I'm happy for her and want to be there, but the wedding involves a trip to an expensive resort and we just cannot afford the expense. Our family income cannot afford luxuries like outside trips. While I realize it's her dream day and it's important to her, how do I get her to understand this???
I work a lot of hours at my job and I just can't afford to pay $800 to $1000 for a trip. We can't afford a loan, don't have space on a credit card, and she's ticked off that I told her no. If we go, it means that we can't pay for our house payment, and my boss has already told me that I can't take the time off from work. I've just gotten a full time job and we're trying to catch up on bills. The wedding is in 3 weeks, and this wedding was planned at the last minute.
As a bride, how do you recommend that I get her to understand? I love her, but I just can't afford to go.
2007-05-09 05:04:21 · 45 answers · asked by Searcher 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
And no, we can't borrow money from a family member, either. We're still owing them money from when we were behind on bills.
2007-05-09 05:08:08 · update #1
I just got chewed out by my father in law for not being part of the family and putting my family before my job. And he says she is being generous by paying for my dress!! Now I have my entire in-law family upset at me for not being there for her.
2007-05-09 05:12:58 · update #2
I'd be happy to speak with her, but she never answers her cell phone and my work schedule makes it so I can't stop by her house when she's home.
2007-05-09 05:39:45 · update #3
Just tell her the same way you've said it here. Honestly, and from the heart. Brides can be awfully self centered where their wedding is concerned, and quite often they can't see past the end of their nose. You shouldn't be expected to break the bank and go into the hole for her big day. If she is truly your friend, she will understand and try to accommodate. If she refuses to bend, then she isn't the kind of friend you need, anyway. Please don't feel badly about this, it's not your fault.
2007-05-09 05:13:09 · answer #1 · answered by kj 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm another one who thinks this is just insane. I suppose you can be faulted a wee bit for being too nice and letting the FMIL dictate some things that weren't hers to dictate, but for you to spend $850 and still have more financial obligations is nuts! I don't know if the bride should have been more sensitive, or maybe you could have spoken up sooner, but this is supposed to be an honor one friend bestows on another, not a line item on someone's budget. Hopefully, she'll understand, but if you're ever a MOH again, it's never wrong to check with the bridal party and make sure you're all on the same page financially. That's not dictating, and sometimes I think that's how these things happen - no one wants to say anything, so they just budget another week of eating baked beans and hot dogs, and that just ain't right!
2016-04-01 03:53:22 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Any bride should understand your situation. You have to be clear though about the seriousness of this expense for you--don't just say "I can't afford it."
You should NEVER consider taking a loan out or missing a house payment just to make it to a wedding! That's absurd, and I'm sorry you were put in a position to consider it. If you really cannot afford it to that extent, then the bride and/or her family should pay for your trip if it's that important to them that you be there. It's traditional wedding etiquette anyway, even though few people do it anymore.
2007-05-09 05:58:22 · answer #3 · answered by lizzgeorge 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had the same situation with my wedding. My maid of honor lived in California at the time (my best friend who moved away), and I live in Kansas. I asked her to be my maid of honor. She initially said yes, but a couple of weeks later, she called me and told me that she couldn't afford everything... the dress, trip, shoes, etc. Since I really wanted her to be my MOH, I bought her dress (not my folks or his folk, ME), her shoes, and offered her a place to stay while in town. She did pay for her own plane ticket here and back though.
The point of my story is that if you tell her now, she will be a lot more understanding than if you tell her way later on down the line. If she really wants you to be a bridesmaid, she will help you out with your expenses.
Still, if you can't do it or she can't afford to help either (because I know how expensive weddings can be...), just send her a kick-butt wedding gift along with a note telling her that you appreciate so much of her asking you to be a part of her big day. And, although you weren't able to physically be there, you are there in spirit and are rooting her on from afar.
Good luck!
2007-05-09 05:16:27 · answer #4 · answered by Summer 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Not a bride, but an ex-best friend: Just be honest and tell her what the reason is. It's understandable that she is miffed, if she doesn't know the reason. If she's a good friend, she will understand or will enable you to come somehow. If she remains ticket off, you'll know that she doesn't care about you as much as about her wedding's appearance.
Either way, don't feel bad about it, people these days go way overboard with wedding expenses and it unreasonable to expect participants to spend much money.
Finally, keep in mind that these expensive "dream days" end up in divorce 45% of the time. Is it really worth spending that much? I went to Europe to be a best friend 5 years ago, now they're throwing dishes at each other... :-(
2007-05-09 05:15:19 · answer #5 · answered by JML 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My cousin wanted me to be in her wedding. I didn't have the money at the time so I became the person in charge of the guest book and making sure everyone saw it and signed it. But since yours is out of town, tell her you can't afford it. Obviously the person is on your husbands side, talk with him and let him explain to his family that you both can't make it due to work and finances. I am getting married in a couple of months, I don't care who shows up or not because of reasons. I am there to get married not to show off to other people, if someone doesn't want to be there, than that's fine with me. It sounds like to me that she is trying to show off, that she has the most people there, where she is getting married, and how much it costs, compared to someone else's wedding in the family. That's how my family is, my sister is mad at some of my choices that I made already, everything I have done is by the cheapest route. I am not worried about decorating anything, but my mom and sister are. My cousin just sprung up her wedding a month after mine, so that leaves 3 months to plan, which she is so laid back she doesn't care either, but her mom is trying to compete from what my other aunt did for her 3 daughters.
2007-05-09 06:12:09 · answer #6 · answered by guesswhonotme7 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have never been a bride, but I have been in your shoes. All I can say is to tell her that you want more than anything to be with her on her special day, but you are unable to afford the trip. Be sure to let her know that you have explored all avenues for getting the money, but you just can not do it.
If she can not understand and accept that you tried, she is not worth going for anyway (as sad and harsh as that sounds). I think she will get over it after the wedding is over. She just wants everything to be perfect...and as long as the bride and groom are there she will realize that it was as perfect as it could be and she will eventually appreciate that you tried.
Good luck! Oh, and do not put your family's welfare in jeopardy for a wedding. Pay your mortgage and go to work. You will be with her in thoughts and prayers...and that is all she can really ask of you.
2007-05-09 05:17:33 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest you be very honest with this immediate family member, and as soon as possible, so that another selection can be made.
Tell her that you are honored to have been selected and asked to be a bridesmaid, but due to your current financial situation, it just would not be condusive for you to accept this role in her wedding.
If she is a selfish person, (which it sounds like she is), she will not understand and hold it against you. But, if she is an understanding person, she will respect your honesty, and remain close with you.
I don't agree with anyone going into debt to avoid hurting the feelings of another. In this case you must be selfish, honest, and think about how this expense to be in her wedding would affect you personally economically.
After all is said and done, she'll just be on her honeymoon in an expensive hotel somewhere....while you may be living on the streets cause you can't pay your mortgage!!!
Good luck!
2007-05-09 05:23:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
my cousin got married last year and i was kind of in the same situation as you.. i really couldn't afford to fly out and rent a hotel room and miss the time off of work.. and my boss told me that he absolutely would not give me the time off from work unless a family member was dying!!!! so i just told my cousin straight out the situation and she understood (or so she said!!) anyhow, 2 days before the wedding, my aunt and my grandma pitched in and helped me buy a plane ticket and my aunt let me stay in her room at the hotel.. so i did get to go!! (even though my cousin and i don't get along.. i am still glad that i went, because it is (supposed to be) a once in a lifetime thing..) anyway, my cousin was so shocked and suprised when i came!! i did miss two days from work and i had to lie and say that a family member was dying to get out.. but i guess it was worth it!! if i were you, i'd maybe talk to a family member about helping you pay for your ticket.. and you can just go by yourself, without your husband, if you guys can't really afford to pay for both of you.. just go one day and come home the next morning (that's what i did..) and if all else fails, just let your family member know that you really would love to be there, but your situation is just impossible, and make sure you send her an extra special present to make up for it!!!! good luck!! p.s. maybe she doesn't get it now, but when her and her new husband have jobs and a house payment and stuff, they will probably start to get it!!!!!!! and make sure you tell her that you have exhausted all of your means for going to her wedding and there is simply no way you can go.. good luck!!
2007-05-09 05:12:05 · answer #9 · answered by idgaf 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If they can't understand that you can't afford it then maybe instead of being a jerk about it he can help. The bride should understand if your planning a wedding at the last minute than you need to be understanding when people can't make it. I would explain to her that you would love to do it but you can't. It's great to be able to go but you should have to loose your job or compromise your living situation. You know your expenses better than they do. Don't feel bad, they should understand you situation
2007-05-09 09:36:36 · answer #10 · answered by collectivetheresa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋