Dad not attending the wedding.......?

Question

Before you answer this question don't bother if you are going to tell me my Biological dad should attend...............
Long story short. This man is an alcholic, drug addict and all around unkind person. He is responsible for the death of a family member and I haven't spoken with him in over a year. Having him there would be upsetting to everyone.

I'm very close with my Stepfather (who has been there since I was 2wks old and has raised me as his own) so he is taking on all the FOB responsibilities.

My question is how to handle questions about his absence. Only family and very close friends know the backstory & I look so much like my step-dad everyone thinks he is my real dad anyways. Its the dates of friends, acquaintances, etc that are going to ask. What happened isn't anyones business, but I'm trying to be prepared with a simple answer such as he couldn't make it. Anyone who has had a similar situation please help?

My step-dad & I have separate last names, this question will come up.

Answer 1

I am assuming by the details contained within your question, that you are the bride to be married. If so, I personally feel that it is your very special "once-in-a-lifetime" day, and you and your fiancee should be able to spend it any way you choose. (Especially if some or all of your funds are being contributed).

You both will appreciate the memories contained in the video and photographs, and will want to remember those moments fondly forever.

If your biological father attends, he may cause a scene, such as dipping into the "spiked punch bowl", and become drunk and beligerant. If you have chosen to have your step-father escort you down the aisle as opposed to your biological father, (which I think is appropiate under your circumstances), that may be cause for an outburt as well, if your biological father is present.

The tricky part for you will be keeping him "in the dark" about your wedding date, and preventing him from attending. I would suggest that you designate a particular family member or very strong willed close friend to be the "go between" in the event that your biological father shows up unannounced. This person would be instructed to either ask him to leave, or keep an eye on him that he keeps his composure in your presence and in the presence of family. This suggestion would be to avoid you getting emotionally distraught at your own wedding. The person you choose for this delicate assignment should have the type of character to be able to intercede in a very non -threatening and unattached manner.

If guests inquire as to if your biological father will be present, and why not, just politely tell them that he is not well enough to attend, and leave it at that. If you are not close to these people, they don't have a right to know. It is your business. I have found that at a wedding, there are two groups of people that attend. 1. Your immediate family, and very, very close and dear friends. 2. The guests: those people that you and your fiancee work with, acquaintances, guests of friends, people that your family knows, etc. (Often people that you may not see again, or don't know well).

I was a professional still wedding photographer for about 20 years in California. I photograph weddings now on occasion by request, but I have changed my profession only due to needing a full time job with medical benefits. But I loved photographing weddings, and capturing the special moments. That made it all worth it to me!

The reason I am sharing this with you is because I witnessed all kinds of "battles" between in-laws, families, and even the bride and groom! And I really didn't want to be prevy to it, but sometimes I was just in the room when it ocurred. I have seen fist fights, drunken behavior, police brought in, name it!
I feel all could have been avoided by planning ahead to avoid uncomfortable confrontations and events.

I hope that I have helped you in your decision and planning for your wedding. I am sorry to hear that you have so much pain and disappointment with your biological father. For what it's worth, on a side note, I was molested as a teen by my mother's boyfriend, and she never did anything about it, even after I told her. Henceforth, I am not close to anyone in my family, and I never got married because I grew up distrusting men.

Enjoy your wedding day, and plan for your future. You will have a new life and future with your new husband. You'll be okay. And....congratulations!

Answer 2

It was a surreal event watching my father dance the macarena at his wedding (it was the late 90s) LOL. That being said, I'm glad I went. It was an important day in his life, and I know it meant a lot to him that I came. Amazingly, I became very close with my step-mother, until my father's death a year and a half ago. I don't think that would have happened if I hadn't gone to the wedding. I found it helped to think of my step-mom as being in the same class as someone marrying an uncle, for example. She someone that might be around, but won't directly impact you unless you let her. That gives you the space to decide how you feel about her as a person, rather than as a family member, unless and until you're ready to do so. How involved should you get? Since you and your dad aren't really close, I would keep it small. Read at the ceremony for example, but don't make a toast. Or offer your services in another department you feel comfortable in. But getting caught up in the excitement and becoming a bridesmaid, for example, would put you in a potentially very uncomfortable situation with loads of attention and responsibility that you can't quickly get out of. Keeping your part small (or non-existent) means you can leave early if things get to be too hard. If your father or his fiancee push you take on a larger role than you're comfortable with, just tell them frankly that you're not prepared to make such a large committement, but that you're happy to be there for their special day. I'm sure they know you feel awkward, but they will be delighted that you're trying to connect too. Good luck!

Answer 3

I can't see it even coming up if your Stepfather has raised you since you were 2 weeks old. I would imagine that most people you know think of your Stepfather as your father anyway. Plus...I think it would be rude to ask a bride about personal issues on her wedding day. If someone does have the nerve to say anything to you just tell them that today you are surrounding yourself with love and good thoughts and as far as your concerned your "Father" is right there by your side as he should be. (Meaning of course your Stepfather). Then smile...thank them for coming and walk away.

I have a friend who was in a very similar situation and had a similar answer prepared...but nobody bothered to ask where the guy that hadn't been in her life since she was a baby was...we all just knew that her Father was the one that walked her down the aisle...case closed.

Good luck

Answer 4

My friend was in your exact same position. Her father was more detrimental than positive in her life and she had no desire for him to be a part of the wedding.

While she didn't speak to her father, she did want her relatives on her father's side to still come. Before the wedding, she sent personal notes to her family members letting them (not in great detail) know the reason for her father's absence at her wedding. By doing this she informed them and left the ball in their court.

As for friends and acquaintances, you can say that your stepfather is your real dad, cause in reality, he is. No one is going to press the issue or really care to check on it further. They are there to celebrate your day and your new life, not to harp on family issues which they know nothing about.

I hope that helps, congrats on your wedding!

**Update**

I saw you wrote about the last names, honestly, like I said before, many won't ask and many would put it together that he could be your stepdad. You're not the first bride to have your biological Dad not walk you down the isle, so don't worry too much about it. If they do ask you, say it's "My Dad". That's all you need to say. People have more manners not to press it if you are concise with your answers. Again, congrats and don't let that ruin your special day.

Answer 5

We had the same issue in that my husband's mother did not attend as she doesn't get along with my husband's father.. And we got many questions about it, and many questions about the photo's.. so I know exactly what you are going through (in a way)... the easiest thing that we said was that she was unwell (had a fall) and that she was uanable to attend. once people hear that .... MOST.. realise that it's none of their business so they don't ask anymore... oh the occassional "will she be ok" but after a quick yes people were happily on their way. It was something that I was really worried about.. but as long as you stick to an easy story.. people won't question it... and they'll get on and enjoy other things..

Answer 6

Tell people who might be upset prior the wedding so as not to have whispering or finger pointing going on a the wedding, but not so far in advance that word can spread. Have your attendees explain it to their dates who can't be expected to know - or may not even know your bio dad anyhow so why would it even come up? And as far as aquaintances - they know your stepdad and not your dad so why would they know.

A dad is more than just a sperm donor. It seems that your step dad has been a real father to you through the years, so I would ask him to walk you down the aisle with absolutely no regrets or reservations.

Answer 7

Im in the same situation. My dad isn't attending and its best that he doesn't. I haven't spoken with my father in almost 3 years. My brother is giving me away.

Hopefully people will notice the situation and as big of a day it is for the bride, maybe people will figure out that there is a huge reason why he isn't there and wouldn't dare say anything.

Answer 8

Just simply say he wasn't able to attend. People shouldn't be so rude as to ask but might. In this day and age there are tons of blended families and so your issue isnt uncommon. You shouldn't have that much time to just stand around and gab or answer stupid questions as your wedding day should be pretty busy. If someone asks an uncomfortable question about the missing sperm donor either simply say he wasnt able to attend or excuse yourself and go "handle wedding stuff"

Answer 9

I do not associate with my mother, and when I got married I had my step-mother complete alll of the "mom duties". When people asked why my real mother was not there I simply told them that this was my day and I chose to be happy, and having my stepmother be there for me made me happiest. If people know you they probably will not ask...but if they do just handle it with tact and simplicity. Good luck, family stuff is hard.

Answer 10

I really don't think that they will ask questions even with your last names being different.

If you are asked, just say "my biological father is not in my life anymore", "I consider *stepfather's name* my father" or "he wasn't invited". Only divulge what you want them to know.

If you say he couldn't attend I think you will be getting even more questions, or they might bring it up at a future meeting with you...

I really like princess's answer.