My Fiancees house rules, too strict??? Answers please.?

Question

I live with my fiancee and MY 3 kids, and he has set some house rules for my children to live by. His rules are much more rigid than my parents rules were for us growing up, and even more strict than the rules I had set in place for my kids before I met him. They are having trouble adjusting to this kind of lifestyle. What do you think, too harsh? These are only SOME of the rules we have to live by, there are a lot more, believe me:
*No shoes worn in the house
*Kids are not allowed on the ADULTS couch
*No eating anywhere except for at the kitchen table
*No toys allowed in living room
*If kids leave anything laying around, it gets taken
*If child breaks something whether on accident or on purpose, something valuable of theirs will be broken and tossed out
*Children are not allowed to use the ADULTS bathroom
*Children cannot come in the front door, must use side door
*If children are even 1 minute late coming home (must be IN the house by 4:00), they get grounded for a day.

Yes he's retired Navy. He's 50, and I am 38. My kids are 3, 10 and 14. My 14 year old son struggles the most with this. I really do believe they hate each other. My son wishes my fiancee would drop dead. My fiancee has mentioned getting on anti depressants due to my children causing him major stress and tension. I say to him that I'm not twisting his arm to stay with us, we are not married and these are not his kids. But he tells me he is madly in love with me and that it is strong enough to stay and deal with their defiance. He says I am a lax parent and I had let them get by with it for 14 years. He is trying to change everybody. I love him dearly, so this makes it very difficult. When we are alone without the kids, things are perfect. I love my children and will never give them up to their biological dad for anything. Really am mulling over this situation a lot lately, and I will not marry him unless he lightens up a bit. Thank you for your continuing answers on this subject.

Answer 1

They are tough but good for kids to learn to live with rules and will make for a more peaceful existence and if you love him please try and be more of a support as he is a brave man to take up such a full household. Remember the kids are growing up whereas you need someone to be there for you and they need to learn how to get on with people around them and appreciate things that are provided and done for them. Take some holidays where you can have time with your partner. Perhaps if he relaxes more he will be easier on the kids.

Answer 2

Why would you let him treat YOUR children this way. Is this the type of person you want helping to raise your kids? Some of his "rules" are reasonable such as
no shoes in the house (for good reasons)
eating only at the kitchen table (within limits)

But the other are BS.
They aren't allowed on the adult couch? That is crazy. Do they have their own furniture? I can understand the no toys in the living room especially if it is a small area. I can understand if they leave things laying around they should learn to pick them up and if they don't have them taken away. If they break something by accident they will have something of theirs broken. That is childish and in my eyes abuse. He needs professional help. Children aren't allowed to use the adult bathroom? Why? Is it an ensuite in your bedroom? Then I could understand a little why he wouldn't want the kids in their without permission. Does anyone else use the front door?
Children will break things in life. We all do. It happens. If there is something you don't want to risk getting broken you put it away. If they are 1 minute late they are grounded. Are you kidding me. Things happen. They will be late. Do you not have a say in your own children? Why would you stay with someone like this when there are men out there that will treat you and your children well. This guy is a control freak and he must treat you just the same as your kids. Think of your kids and get away now.

It is okay to be stern and enforce rules and consequences in your home but this is ridiculous.

Answer 3

These rules are definitely too harsh for children! They go far beyond the bounds of basic discipline. While some of the rules make good sense (no shoes in the house, eating at the kitchen table), others just make the children seem like unwanted second-class citizens (can't enter through the front door, can't sit on the couch).

The rule that I find especially disturbing is breaking/throwing away a child's toy if they accidentially break something. This is not just a "house rule"; it is nothing short of psychological abuse. Children should not be punished for accidents. This is just your financee's way of "hurting them back".

Based on what you describe, it seems like your fiancee has never raised kids of his own. For the sake of your relationship and in the interest of your children's psychological well-being, please have a talk with your fiancee. You may want to seek out the help of a professional counselor.

The transition of adding a step parent is never easy, and with the level of rigidity that your fiancee is showing, I fear that your children will have a very difficult childhood.

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 4

I think you're doing great as a mother, but now that they are growing up, you could loosen up a bit. They need to start taking responsibility for their own behavior, and doing what's right because they WANT to, not just because they have to. And Rule #2 I'm assuming is for non-homework related computer time. Rules that could be loosened, or negotiate something with them: #4 - that's a bit harsh. They need to learn how to regulate treats in a healthy way on their own. At least the 15 and 17 year old should. #6 - writing it out will have less and less effect. Seems like somethign that would work in a school age kid. Hit the pocketbook - charge money each time, and if he runs out of money, start taking adding chores. #10 - that's a really early bedtime for the 15 + 17 year old. I'd say no more phone use after 9pm, but bedtime could be 10 pm for the older kids.

Answer 5

I agree totally with structure and rules, but this is over the top. My parents were strict and enforced more rules than any of my friends, but these rules are a little too much. He is with you and the kids and has to understand that they are living in the house too. They are not pieces of furniture that do not move unless moved by someone. Only being allowed in the side door??? Is he allowed in the front door???? Sounds like he does not like your children and is treating them as if they do not exist, or that's the way he wish it were, just the 2 of you. They need to be kids, so what, toys out in the living room, before bed, they need to be picked up as part of a bedtime routine.

He is going to have a bend a little if he wants this to work, These kids aren't going away, and he needs to set rules if they are out of control, not if they haven't had a chance to prove they are good & obedient children.

Answer 6

*Kids are not allowed on the ADULTS couch
Controling behavior.

If kids leave anything laying around, it gets taken
abusive

*If child breaks something whether on accident or on purpose, something valuable of theirs will be broken and tossed out
extremely abusive

*If children are even 1 minute late coming home (must be IN the house by 4:00), they get grounded for a day.
Controling and abusive

*Children cannot come in the front door, must use side door
Controling and abusive

RUN!!! He has real problems.

For the sake of your children, get out of that situation before he gets violent.

Answer 7

Some are freaking RIDUCULOUS. The stupid and unecessary ones are:
*Kids are not allowed on the ADULTS couch
*If child breaks something whether on accident or on purpose, something valuable of theirs will be broken and tossed out
*Children are not allowed to use the ADULTS bathroom
*Children cannot come in the front door, must use side door

The others are fine but you may want to talk to him about the stupid rules. It sounds to me like he's just trying way to hard to be a parent and he's actinglike a bully. Depending on what age your children are, I would exnay the 4:00 rule. It's dumb and out of line.

Answer 8

I have children and would never allow any guy to make them feel inerior by having to use the side door or making them stay off a couch. This guy doesn't have a clue to what a child is worth and how to treat children. Why is he making all the rules when it should be a team effort? Are you living in a boot camp or a home? Children are precious and little only once. What kind of memories do you want to make for them? I would want to know my children had happy memories instead of remembering some jerk who made their lives seem horrible and made them feel they were less in his eyes. Bottom line,kids will be kids and so it should be.

Answer 9

Ok the rules that are fine are:

No shoes in the house (this I can see, you have no idea what crap comes off your shoes onto the carpet and floors-yuck)

I understand about eating at the table or toys in the living room

As for the other things I think he is going overboard and expecially the breaking of the personal items. I think the 1 minute rule is absolutely ridiculous.

I would question whether your fiance really even likes you kids. Doesn't sound like it to me with all these crazy rules.

Answer 10

We have many similar rules for our own children. I can understand where he is coming from. Picture this, you work hard, have no kids and have a great place that you keep really nice. You meet an incredible person and want to get married. This person has not only one, but three kids and you have no experience with kids at all. All of the sudden this great place that you have worked so hard to keep nice is under siege and you are losing control of what was yours alone before. Now you are sharing your place with four people who do not treat it the same way you once did.

Now, I am not trying to say at all that your kids are terrible and tearing up his house, I have five kids, I know what kids do because they are kids. He is in a situation where he is not only having to adjust to never having had kids before to having three all at once. Not only that, but he is looking at the prospect of becoming their dad. So he is having to learn all the things about parenthood that you got to learn over a few years, one at a time, all at once. Cut him some slack.

Yes, to me, some of the rules seem a bit over the top, but am willing to bet he is trying, not only to maintain the balance in his home, but also trying to prove to you he can be the best father possible. Talk to him about it, and tell him how you feel, but be understanding of him as well. I'm sure after spending more time with you and the kids, he will lighten up a bit. I am also sure, through respectful and caring communication, the two of you can work this out for the best of everyone. Good luck!

And I have to add, my husband is ex-military as well. I think it comes with the territory. He sometimes goes a bit over the top with our kids, but I just politely remind him they are children, not recruits and he takes it down again.

Sorry, one more thing - Your son is 14. He is going to hate any new man in your life that is set to become an authority figure. The only new dad he would like and get along with would be a guy who lets him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. That's just how teenagers are.

Answer 11

First, my husband is retired Navy and will be 50 soon and he has no strict rules. I can agree with some of the rules, like no eating around house and no shoes. But general discipline of your kids is your decision. He sounds a bit over the edge. Controling. Talk to him and try to compromise. if he won't bend, I'd be gone.