How do you remove guilt from a mom's life?

Question

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Answer 1

As a mom, if you are asking me how I deal with guilt it's not easy. It's difficult to parent a child, set limitations and compromise without feeling some form of guilt. You can second guess yourself and wonder if you made the right decision, but I think many parents succumb to thier guilt (whether it's about working long hours, not being able to give their kids enough etc.) and end up either spoiling a child and giving them too much, or being too harsh and not giving them enough...your love and your time are what children really need--and the most important thing you can give your child is a foundation and set of morals.

I have no guilt about how I raise my kids. I may feel guilty that I can't give them as much as I would like to, but then again, I think they wouldn't be the kids they are today if I had to work and had not spent the time with them that I did in these formative years.

So I may regret some things, but in the long run, I know I am doing something right, because my kids are bright, intelligent, do well in school, are compassionate and considerate, and really, what more would you want?

So I would say if a mom feels guilt, she should really look at the overall picture, because it's really a very personal thing, and not all women are the same. You have the stay at home types and the totally dedicated career types, so all you can really do, is do your best with the circumstances that you are in. But overall, I think the kids who fare best are those who have the quality time with thier parents, both parents, and I think in the end, this is what you would feel the most guilt over, so spend that time with your kids, even if it's just a few hours a day, and if they are brats, don't let them get away with that behaviour. There is nothing worse than a kid who knows they can get away with something if they just keep their nonsense up long enough. Discipline starts at a very young age, and just because you think your kids might be angels, they may not necessarily be viewed so in that same light by strangers, so teach them manners firstly and foremost!

Answer 2

I don't think that it is just Mom's who carry guilt, but there definately is guilt... Do we make the right choice when we do, give, take, discipline or even ignore our children? So many things in daily life can cause the guilt and until we see the result of some of those choices the guilt will not go away -- when my children were young, child seats were not required in cars -- we didn't know any better and if we did the product was not available -- but today I wouldn't even consider going anywhere in my car if my grandchild was not safely strapped in! Many of our choices are based on the knowledge that we have at the time, so I think the best you can do is make sure you are well informed on child rearing and love your child and don't be afraid to teach them the consequences of their actions because you want them to grow up to be contributing likeable human beings and until they actually get to that point you can't know if you did a good job or not. You will always have guilt if you are a responsible adult and have the courage to make choices -- if you are wishy washy and never make a decision well you don't need to worry about guilt because then you can say -- its not my fault! But then it is even more so... Be Strong, and Love your child.

Answer 3

To remove "mom's guilt" is not as easy as flipping a switch. Mom's guilt is about pain. It's often about some type of harm towards a child created by mom's behaviour,(as real or perceived). It also can be simply ongoing feelings of inadequacy on the part of a struggling mother. A parent and child relationship is a very close and intimate one and mom's guilt creates a gap for sure. Bridging the gap is the mom's responsibility. One way to reconnect is by sitting the child down and asking questions to see where the child is at. Understanding a child's struggles allows the mom to be better equipped on how to handle it and begin the healing process. Sometimes it's as easy as creating some special activities which can permeate a bond which was fragmented over a period of time. An educational trip to an informative science centre or an extended nature walk can bring out the curious child in all of us and when it comes to bonding and healing it's always about the inner child in each of us.

The confidence will build and the guilt will slowly subside as we constantly take the time to acknowledge each others feelings so we can feel validated. As always, we can't change the past but we can always make today a better day. Mom's guilt can be disillusioning and paralysing. Be careful, be patient but be confident because love does heal most wounds!

Answer 4

I have found that guilt is a powerful emotion. Some people take advantage of mom's that feel guilty and others just listen. I am thinking today that the only way to relieve guilt is to take action, and even then it may never go away because whatever it was that caused the guilt has already been done. I will tell you what I have done. One day I met this man who I decided was a wonderful man only he lived in Sweden. I went to Sweden, married him and went back to the states to get my children. Suddenly I found that my son did not want to live with me and told the court that then when I asked the court if my daughter could come with me they said no. I went back to Sweden. That was 4 years ago. The guilt has swallowed me. I cannot fix the past and am trying to fix the future. The guilt of what I have done will never go away only soften I think. The only thing I can think of is to try to ease the pain of the ones that have been hurt and try to repair any damage that might have been done.

Answer 5

I've may not have the best answer, but I don't know to many mothers that are selfless, if there is not enough food for everyone because of a shortage of money, all of a sudden, mom's not really hungry. When you need a shoulder to cry on, om is right there, my mother has been dead for 34 years, she took care of us, protected us some times taking a beating from a drunken father, for no other reason than he was drunk,
Guilt from mothers, I think every mother has those qualities that no will ever realize, you want to take guilt away, call her, go and see her, spend time with her and tell her how much you love her, because you know you do, don't wait for there is no tomorrow, only today.

Answer 6

I need to agree with the answerer who said that this question is poorly phrased. The question has left out the meta message that the asker intended. I believe that she means , How do you help mothers (and fathers) feel less guilt when they do nice,things for themselves, or have fun, either separately or as a couple.
I also need to agree that feeling guilt comes with the job. It is a biological instinct. The attachment bond that grows between a child and it's parent(s) is the tie that binds. If the attachment bond becomes stretched (by letting other people care for your infant) it will not function as well as it would if you take all of the care and spend all of the time with the child. It is the strain on the attachment bond that makes a child listen and obey to their parents. It is the strain that makes a parent go home at night instead of attending functions without your child. Separate guilt feelings that are healthy like attachment bond straining, from guilt feelings that aren't healthy like I can't go to the mall and buy myself anything because all of the extra money goes for college.
Self care for parents hellps ensure a healthier happier child. But there can be to much of that too.

Answer 7

A Mother always has guilt - some more than others, but they have guilt because society blames the Mum or the parents when something is wrong or goes wrong in a child's life whether they are adult children or minors. My Mum worries & has guilt when there is nothing to worry about or feel guilty for & then worries about that. I think the guilt issue is built in to being a Mother. I'm turning 40 & she worries & feels guilty still for not doing enough or doing too much for me. By the way her Mother felt guilty til the day she died at age of 92 - being the Mother of twin girls during WW2 - she felt she didn't give them enough - but she gave plenty of what was important - LOVE. They had little material items but plenty of love. That has paved the way for my Mum to be a great Mother - guilt & all. I'll be passing that along to my family.

Answer 8

Well, wouldn't all of us moms love to know the answer to that question. Unfortunately, there is no easy solution, we feel guilty for their first cry. I don't know that a mother will ever feel completely guilt free, as we are in the drivers seat and any and all decisions we make, will have an effect on our children. What we can do as mothers is our best, realize we are not perfect, accept the mistakes we have made and strive not to make the same one again. Even this will not eliminate the guilt we feel. I believe it is a part of being a mother.

Answer 9

For the vast majority of moms, guilt is a fact of life. It's a package deal with parenting. When I was a stay at home mom, I felt guilty because my husband had to go to work every day and I got to stay with my children. Now my kids are in school and I'm a working mom, and I feel guilty because my husband and kids have had to pick up some of the slack with the household chores. I think guilt is an ingrained emotion that was created to drive us to become the best parents we can be. There is very little accountability when you are parenting your children ... you say what you think you should say and do what you think you should do and hope for the best. Having a little Jiminy Cricket on our shoulder reminds us that our children are soaking in our actions and our behaviour as well as our words, and we need to try that much harder.

Answer 10

It all depends what the mother is feeling guilty about. If you were the mother that walked out in the 50's leaving 3 children, the youngest only 4, then no amount of help should help rid you of guilt, especially as you would have recently learned that they're looking for you.

If you're not that mother then I must assume you feel you could have done better bringing up your children. Forget it, most parents feel that way. You just have to be thankful that you did your best the only way you knew how.