Not finished with this yet, but this is what i have so far. any ideas thoughts input would be nice thanks
You are my heart and soul the savior of my life
you are my hot and cold; the darkness and the light
I realize I cannot walk this scattered path alone.
I realize if I just believe
in your arms I will always have a home.
And when the times get rough
I know that you are there
And when I make mistakes
I know that you still care
You come to me with open arms
to lift my head back high
you wipe my tears away and say
its okay I’m here for you don’t cry
you guide me back to the path
that you have planned for me
You have my back no matter what
as long as I believe
you are my heart & soul the savior of my life
you are my hot and cold; the darkness & the light
2007-05-08 19:19:32 · 14 answers · asked by AAAAA 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
i am not ashamed of my beliefs they can TRY to tear me apart but i know who my real critic is, tho he is not critical which is y hes great.
2007-05-08 19:29:11 · update #1
believe me i pondered over that also, and i did not mean that he is dark, uhm as i sad it isnt finished, better if i put
You are my heart and soul, the savior of my life
you are my hot and cold, my daytime and my night
2007-05-08 20:10:37 · update #2
When it got to the end of the poem or song i noticed a mistake, you wrote you are my darkness=? and my light
I have to say it rymes but you shouldn't put that in there like that you will give the impression that there is darkness in G-d and we know the answer to that right?.
2007-05-08 19:58:24 · answer #1 · answered by Free Cuba 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The metre isn't right. And the hot and cold doesn't fit, it sounds like a faucet. Basically you've got good ideas, but trim it a little bit and try and keep the rhythm the same throughout.
2007-05-08 19:25:04 · answer #2 · answered by Esther 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It does meander a bit. My eyes started crossing after the 6th or 7th line, and it's weird to say "you are my hot and cold", although I understand what you are trying to convey. That he is your "darkness" makes me wonder who you are talking about. Jesus or the evil one? I find that description a tad confusing. Try to express your idea more succinctly. It appears to be a very rough draft.
2007-05-08 19:26:52 · answer #3 · answered by Shinigami 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your words say that He is everything, that He is Savior and Personal Friend. A great poem. Blessings to you.
2007-05-08 19:37:14 · answer #4 · answered by 4HIM- Christians love 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ashley, it is a really nice piece well thought out and with an even rhythm. Keep working on it you are doing great!
2007-05-08 19:23:01 · answer #5 · answered by waggy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i'm no longer into poetry, and comprehend no longer something approximately it, yet I did like yours, inspite of the reality that it grew to become right into a touch depressing. Your writings have been very sturdy, tremendously given the cut-off dates. i'm no longer very sturdy at writing under tension, and you probably did a sturdy activity of arising with concepts and expressing them effectively. P.S. I enjoyed your sniper kitty image.
2016-10-30 22:25:32 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's beautiful.
I think at the end you should add, "Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner, fudge is made."
Very profound, indeed.
For real critique, try a gospel site or poetry site. Y!A is the breeding ground for sarcastic assholes. Not me, of course, but other people.
2007-05-08 19:24:17 · answer #7 · answered by ....... 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
that is rather beutiful. you should get it published. and what is it doing in this section? You do know most of the people in this section like to tear believers a new one don't you?
2007-05-08 19:24:50 · answer #8 · answered by Robert M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds finished to me.
2007-05-08 19:23:57 · answer #9 · answered by tonks_op 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice.
2007-05-08 19:22:56 · answer #10 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋