Can you change a dead beat dad? Or do you just let him hang himself?

Question

I left my first husband before I realized I was pregnant. I never intended to get back with him, but I hoped that he would be a good father. I have been sadly disappointed. He only sees our son about every 3 months, usually only on long visitations. He has actually gone longer than that before, when my son was 1 he skipped an entire year. He has gotten behind in child support quite a few times and hardly ever had the court ordered medical insurance on him. My son is now 10 and when he goes for a visitation, he spends most of it with my ex's mother. She is the one who takes him places and does things with him. He says he hardly ever see's his dad and when he does he says my ex is a jerk to him. He never calls him either. Of course, when I have confronted him about his lack of interest, he blames me for it. Should I just let it go and let my son figure out what kind of man his dad is, as he is already beginning to do on his own? Or can this man be changed by something I could say?

I remarried when my son was 5 and my husband has been more of a father to him than my ex ever has been. It just bothers me that my son feels forced to spend time with his dad, when he has told me more than once that he doesn't care to see his dad and that he really only wants to see the grandma. I personally don't like this woman for reasons too long to mention, but at least she is being the parent that my ex wont be.

As for my husband adopting my son, my ex husband would never willingly let that happen. He wouldn't give me the satisfaction, plus he is such a moma's boy that his mother would never "LET" him sign his rights away. My son is his only child, and therefore her only grandchild by this son. She is worse than Hitler when it comes to being controlling, and she would make sure that he never gave up his rights. Unless the courts could force him to give up his rights, it won't ever happen.

When I say he has gotten behind in child support, I don't mean that he isn't paying. I just mean that he manages to skip a payment here and there and then makes it up sometime in the future. He isn't actually not paying right now, though I am sure that if I give him enough time he will change jobs again and skip another payment. Since he is actually paying the child support, though he doesn't carry insurance on him, I can't use that as an excuse not to let him see my son. Also, I will not risk being held in contempt of court for interfering in his visitation. I have a child with my husband and I am not going to get thrown in jail and not be there for her just because my ex is such a dead beat. If I did anything with his visitation, it would have to be the legal way.

Answer 1

We are in a similar situation, although I wasn't married to my son's bio father.
Look, the bottom line is that there is nothing ou or anyone else can say or do to make him decide to be a good father. I spent a few years alternating between kissing my ex's butt and getting angry with him for his lack of interest in our son....and it accomplished nothing. He's still not around, still not interested, still self-involved and callous...
Let go. Support your son, let him speak about his father and his feelings toward him, let him know that you don't really have any answers, but that you love him and are behind him 100%. Don't speak ill of the man or try to give any guesses about his motivations. His son will eventually figure out for himself who the man is, and hold him accountable for the choices he has made.
Nothing you can do will take away the pain of his father's actions (or lack thereof), but your boy is really blessed - a caring mother and loving "dad"....he'll get through it.

Answer 2

I would go to the court and try to change the visitations explain to them that the father dumps your child off on other people other than himself and let them know that your son is being treated badly by your husband. until you do This i would make notes every time your son came home, get him to tell you what the father does that is mean and also get a voice recorder so you can tape the phone calls in case he says something to you that is out of line or anything that can hurt him in court. i am sorry to say but it doesn't sound like he will ever change. also ask the court system if you have to legally let your son go to his fathers if he has not made the child support for that month

Answer 3

I have the same problem with my ex. We were divorced while I was pregnant with our 2nd child. I met my new husband soon after the divorce and since he has come into our lives, my ex seems to think he's off the hook for everything! Especially now that I am pregnant again!
From my experience you can't change a man that doesn't want to be changed. If your son is upset by the visits seek legal counseling and maybe go back to court to have the custody/visitation agreement changed. We are now looking into terminating my ex's rights due to some emotional abuse that my daughter has brought to light.
Good luck!

Answer 4

Sadly, you cannot change what does not want to change. I think the best thing to do is let your new husband continue to be the best father to you son he can be and wouldnt go out of your way to try and make this work with your son's "sperm donor". I would seriously consider letting your husband adopt your son. It might be better in the long run.
Good Luck
Adding to your edits: I think the best thing is just to grin and bare it so to speak. Sounds like that there isnt any options for you. I guess my question to you is how badly do you want your ex in your sons life?

Answer 5

Well if your ex-husband does not pay in child support, have the court change his visitation rights. A friend of mine had a similar problem. Her ex lives in Texas, doesn't hardly see his daughter and doesn't pay any child support. The court made sure that she sets the terms when her ex wants to see his daughter.

Answer 6

turn him in everytime he is late on paying child support.

Make a deal tell him he can stop paying if he signs his rights away, until then keep on turning him in for being late. They might add more to his payments to where he owes more everytime he fails to pay on time. They can send him to court if he keeps it up and he will have to explain why.

My dad was a dead beat until i had my baby, wow go figure he wants to be in my life now.

You know he stil has to pay when he turns 18, all the ones he skips he HAS to pay. If he isnt going to help support his own kid, just turn him in everytime caues it is serious. You may not think of it much but that money helps you raise your son.

Answer 7

get the deadbeat to sign over his rights,
he won't have to pay anymorwe and get ur new husband to take over(adopt)
u know what they say
u can't teach an old dog new tricks
take the deadbeat back to court
wat the hell is the point of ur son being away from u for no reason?
if it was his dad then ok but his grandmother?
no worth it

Answer 8

That is so sad that his dad is that way :( I wish I could tell you something you could tell him will change him, but I don't have anything nice to say, but don't force him to see his dad if he doesn't want to. Just be there for him even though he may blame you now he'll see the real "dad" he is eventually. Good Luck! ~T~

Answer 9

Take him to a eating place. Use the "I" message quite of the "you" message. In different words, talk approximately your thoughts quite than his movements. additionally paraphrase what he says to sparkling any misunderstandings. do not enable something he says knock you down given which you of course are a fighter, or you won't decide to confront him and make issues top. yet, i've got faith that once you start up the communication, you will understand that he's purely scared, not mad. you're a solid son given which you care sufficient to confront him. occasion of an "I" message: "i've got faith rejected once you do not seem me interior the attention." (as unfavorable to a "you" message: "you have not regarded me interior the attention on condition that I got here living house.") occasion of a paraphrase: Dad, "i don't comprehend what i've got completed incorrect." You, "Do you advise to declare which you think of you have completed something incorrect, this is why I committed suicide?" Dad, "I advise..." With the "I" message and the paraphrase, there's a miles better risk for the communication to maintain going quite of freezing up. The "I" message is non-threatening so your dad won't get interior the offensive. And the paraphrase helps sparkling any ameliorations in interpretation of an identical experience. this way, you reside top on course on the subject be counted you opt to debate and can have greater advantageous success on your verbal replace .

Answer 10

I dont think you can change his father, but just take comfort in knowing that one day it's all gonna backfire on the deadbeat and blow right up in his face. He needs to realize that it doesn't matter to your son that he's his biological father, the only thing that's gonna matter is who raised him, loved him and was there for him. When he does decide to step up to the plate its gonna be to late. He'll have no one to blame but himself