Mental illness, scars and dating?

Question

I've had social anxiety all my life and depression since I was 13 and I've self harmed for many years. I've never been on the dating scene or even remotely interested in sex due to my illness. Now I'm 21, no longer depressed, and am trying to build a life for myself but for things like dating or relationships I don't know where to start - I've never had any experience so feel at a major disadvantage to everyone else. I'm not looking for 'the one' but a trusting caring sexual relationship is something I desire.

Signs of my past are inescapable due my arms and legs being covered in really obvious scars so from the start in any potentially sexual relationship I don't have the option to lie or omit details of the past. It's bringing down my self esteem.

Any one have positive words of advice about dating and self harm scars/a long history of mental illness?

Answer 1

I don't know if this is the kind of help you might be looking for, but here's my two cents.

After recovering from a very traumatic marraige and subsequent divorce, I decided I was ready for a relationship, but didn't want to fall into the ugly traps that relationships sometimes bring. I didn't have physical scars like you do, but I have some pretty deep emotional scars, as I suspect you might as well. So I went to a marriage and family counselor to help me look at what I wanted from a relationship. After being in counseling for a while and really looking at my vulnerabilities, I found someone who could accept me along with my emotional baggage. I still have no clue how the whole "dating scene" works, but it was extremely helpful for me to really assess what I wanted from myself and what I wanted from a partner before getting involved.

Answer 2

I've never 'dated' anyone, so I'm afraid I can't help you with the 'dating scene', but I'd recommend just having hobbies and such where you can make friends with both males and females, and then one of the friendships could turn into something more over time (not sure whether you're male or female).

I fell through a glass door once when I was 4-5yo and I've got a huge scar on my lower arm because of it. People don't tend to dare to ask about it, most assume that I tried to kill myself I think, they give me pityful looks and such when they first notice it. I'd rather they'd ask obviously, and some do, but most don't.

I stumbled across my husband on a mailing list for my personality type according to the MBTI... it was love at first byte. :) He'd cut himself before years ago, while he was on Wellbutrin, thinking there were demons in his blood. He had a fairly long history of mental problems and he'd done drugs and even dealt some drugs for a little while, but he'd been clean for years when I met him. He was in the military and totally not enjoying it and wanted to get out and actually cut himself some more in order to get out on mental health issues... We met a few months later irl and got engaged pretty much immediately and have been married almost 2.5 years now. So anyway, talking online to each other was a great way to be able to talk about our mental health issues in the past (and present...), because there wasn't any expectation that our relationship would go anywhere (like I said, it was just a mailing list, not a dating site... we weren't expecting to hook up to someone).

Not exactly an answer to your question but I hope it helps anyway...

Answer 3

First, realize that there is much more to you than your past. The past is merely a part of who you are... obviously someone as articulate and thoughtful as yourself has a lot to offer someone; friendship, companionship, love. You have successfully dealt with and overcome extreme hardships; it's a testament to your character and that will shine through to anyone worth your company!

Second, understand that seeking a relationship will not be a cure-all. Speaking from personal experience, emotional difficulties can and will persist even in the best of relationships. However, finding a supportive, patient partner who will allow you to work through whatever it is that needs to be worked through is key. Expecting them to make everything better is the wrong way to proceed.

As for the physical scars, I wouldn't bring it up until someone asks. Because they are so obvious, any interested, kind, and open soul will be curious enough to ask you about them - and willing to listen to your answer. A large part of forming any new relationship is mutual sharing. When the questions come up, be honest. Explain exactly what you have here.

Good luck, and be PROUD of the fact that you're willing to face a new challenge. That alone signifies growth - which in my opinion is what really matters.

Answer 4

Since I was thirteen, I have also been a self-harmer. At sixteen, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. As far as relationships go, the best policy for me has been to always be honest and to take things slowly. The biggest thing for me is knowing when I feel comfortable enough to explain something that was so painful for me at the time. It's not going to be easy but if you see yourself being with someone in the long run, it's always best to get everything out in the open. And even if you don't know if you will be with someone for a long time, if there is a possibility, I would go ahead and have that serious talk with him or her.
Don't let this bring down your self-esteem when you've worked so hard to get where you are. Depression sucks and getting out of it is a huge step in life. Remember where you are now and how great it is to explore new parts of your life that weren't possible before. Take it from someone who is now married and with a child, this is something that will not haunt you for the rest of your life if you don't let it. I remember telling my now husband when we were dating about my scars and my illness. It felt so good to be so open with someone. You can do this! Lastly, remember if someone you are dating is not okay with this part of your past, they are not good enough for you. Good luck!

Answer 5

Okay, deep breath. You have to be prepared for whatever will come and you have to have the strength to "roll with the punches" so to speak. I used to self harm and have visible scars on my arms. I never did really date, but found myself using internet dating sites (specifically match and yahoo) to search interesting guys. I created a profile on match, without the intention of ever meeting someone except maybe a friend. I had fun with creating a profile and putting up wacky photos and thought that no one would notice me. I got an email and starting chatting with this guy online. A while later we met in person. On our third date we were at a park, sitting together. I had a short sleeve shirt on and he commented on my arms. He said "were you really accident prone as a child?" I told him that I self-harmed and that I was trying to stop. It took him a minute to compose himself and then we talked about it. He really wanted to know what made me do it. A few years later we were married and will celebrate our first anniversary this summer. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is take it slow. Don't automatically expect guys to accept your scars, but be honest and true to yourself. Trust your gut and know that if you work at being healthy and true to yourself a good guy will come along and notice you and accept you, flaws and all.

Answer 6

Anyone worth dating or sleeping with will want you regardless. Your scars are just evidence of your past and shouldn't be an issue, as is the mental illness. It may become an issue if you relapse, but don't worry about that now. Now just get out there and enjoy the scene and find someone you can trust with your past.

Answer 7

Congratulations on getting your life back. You may feel a little behind socially but don't give up. You don't have to disclose that information until you really know and trust someone. Then you let them know that you have struggled in your life and that you are at a much better place. Enjoy your transformation

Answer 8

U said "i feel disadvantage to everyone else". I think it's the key. U needn't. In grand scheme we all are equal. Don't give up, u'll find ur 'the one' in any case. Physical scars are nothing compared to ur beautiful inner-self.

Answer 9

it does sound like schizophrenia,which is a chemical imbalance of the brain that distorts reality. it causes the sufferer to see things taht aren't there and hear terrible voices in their head that tell them to do horrible and scary things,such as killing someone or yourself. some sufferers think people are following them,watching them,are in their house and touching them,and think these people will kill them. these same people may think it is the government or aliens trying to hurt them or control them. i would stop drugs and get help from a psychatrist,who will give you medicine,probably lithium. this illness is scary and harmful to you,please get help asap.