What should I do about my sons father and the fact that he has never been around ?

Question

My son is almost 8 years old now. We haven't seen his father in nearly 4 years. He was always in and out of the relationship cheating on me and staying out all night. He used to hit me and I let it go on far too long. Now things are great. I have remarried and had another child. My son calls my husband daddy mostly because this is all he has ever really known. Now My ex is due to get out of jail. He had to sit the last 6 months in county lock up for not paying child support. He has never really helped me out at all and I know he will just end up back there cause he never learns.

I guess my question has to do with waht should I do if he tries to get into my sons life? I think he is going to feel that he is owed because he just sat time and is going to try to take him from me. His family lives out of state and I'm afraid he will leave with my son. He is not a good man and has never grown up so I don't think my son being around him is a good idea. We have a good family here

He has visitation but it says in the papers reasonable amout of time with reasonable amount of notice. Does that mean it's all up to me?

When my husband and I got married we offered him the easy out where he would not have to pay child support ever again. He wanted money from us to give up his rights. We told him off and said hope you like jail. When he finally got picked up 2 years later he asked if he could give up his rights then so he could get out of jail time. This guy is the lowest of all dead beat dads.

Answer 1

First, let me tell you that my heart goes out to you. I can imagine this is a tough situation you're getting ready to face. Next, there are a lot of questions that you and your husband must sort through. Let your son have a say. Does he remember his father? Are the memories good enough memories for him to want to have a relationship with him? I know you probably don't want to hear this but fathers have rights too. Sucks, yes! I understand. Contact the Friend of the Court and see what your options are. File for full physical custody. Don't be paranoid with thinking that he's going to take your son out of state, but be careful. Get supervised visits. Cover all your bases. Try not to concentrate on what he used to do, or how things used to be, concentrate on your good life now and be determined that things are not going to change, unless they are for the better. Forgive him if you can. Pray loud and hard. God Bless you.

Answer 2

This is not an easy situation to deal with one way or another. There is no easy or exact remedy either. First, the truth of the matter is that legally if this man hasn't done anything to harm the child you cannot keep him from seeing him. Now, this doesn't mean that you have to allow him to take your child out of your presence but you may have to agree to let him see him. If you think that he will cause your child harm or if you are worried about him taking him away then apply for full custody through the courts to cover yourself. No, just because he lives and has lived with you all these years don't give you custody. His father can come and take him away and it won't be considered kidnapping. Secondly, whether this man is good or bad the fact remains that he is still your childs biological father. What this means is that you have to establish an open dialogue with your son about the whole situation. Don't worry, your son is old enough to express how he feels. You should not try to influence him one way or the other, you should just be supportive and help him understand about relationships. Maybe have your soon write him a letter asking questions that he wants answers to. Don't ever make your son feel as though he has to choose between his biological and his current family either. Just asure him that you and his "dad" love him and want what's best. I have experienced this and am glad that I handled the situation like this because although my sons biological is still a knuckle head my son is able to open up about his feelings and know that he has a loving family at home no matter what, what's his name does.(smile)

Answer 3

I would talk to social services if he decides that he wants to see your child. They will set up supervised visits. The bad thing is he has the right to see his child. I would tell social services about the abuse you suffered and they will make him have supervised visits. He can not run off with your child that way. If he starts harassing you then you can get a restraining order. I know how you feel because I have a child who did not see his father for 5 years and then all of the sudden he wanted to become a part of his life. His father was in and out of prison and never came around. His Father also has a drug addiction. His father has changed and now he sees him every week. People do change but to start let social services handle the situation.

Answer 4

I've been in the same boat with my father since I was seven; he was never around, and still isn't. I would let him in your son's life because it will help him grow as a person, but if he's NOT a good person I would let him go. Your son can have a strong bond with his stepfather, if the real father is not in the picture. I would include your son in the decision-making process, and if he wants to see his father you should at least let him try-maybe have him talk to his father on the phone first, or something like that, and see how it goes. Either way, he needs to have a strong male figure in his life. I would talk it over with your husband, and then your son in a way that he can understand.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Hi I'm in the same situation my son is 5yrs and calls my boyfriend dad, Hes never bothered about my son he was also violent to me, he gets out of jail on Friday and I'm worried, what can we do thore we cant refuse them contact cause there a parent as well I'm sure your son is old enough to make is own mind up . Go and get some information. get supervised visits if your worried there lots of things out there that can help. I live in the UK so it might be different. Good luck

Answer 6

If he has not been in your sons life and has not given you child support and went 2 jail do you think he is a good influence on your son, just because he gave sperm does not make him a good daddy. Allow your new husband 2 adopt him and teach him how 2 be a man.
Your baby father should not be allowed 2 run in and out your babies life.
No court would award him custody with the abuse of you and all.
Go get FULL custody of your son before he takes him.

Answer 7

I have had a nearly identical situation with my ex. My ex beat me too- bad. Tried to kill me. Nearly killed a cop to get to me. Hurt my little girl and still has visitation rights. I tell you this to let you know that I know what you're going through, and that it is possible to do what I suggest.

Get a restraining order. If you are clean (I assume you are), have good food in your home, are sure your child is obtaining an education, and he is not being hurt, there is not much your ex can do. Most abusers are all huff and puff and no blow, after you realize you have worth and don't have to take his s***.

My daughter calls my husband Daddy too. My ex is called by his first name. I don't let him talk to my little one, and he doesn't know our address, either. If your ex is threatening towards you or your child, high, drunk, or otherwise unable to care for your son, it is likely that your state will allow you to deny him access. And, unless he can show you are an unfit mother, it is highly unlikely that he would be able to get a judge to reverse a previous custody order-- So don't fall into the trap of terror abusers love to use on us.

If your ex shows up threatening you or your son, or in any condition mentioned above, CALL THE COPS! He has beaten you before, he'll do it again. If he talks about removing your son from your custody, call the police. Threatening to kidnap is against the law.

Write down everything your ex says. I cannot emphasize that enough- write, write write. Date, time, number he called from, length of the call, and topics of discussion. If you can afford it, get a recorder for your phone. (There are recording devices that cost less than $50 that you attach to the outside of your handset, and they are removable) You may or may not be required to tell him you will be recording the call, that depends on your state. Call the DA's office, or the police department and ask them. Then, record every word he says. Just remember, it records you too.

As to his seeing your son, if there is anyway possible, I would take him back to court. Let the judge see the information you have about his calls, the way he treats your son, etc.. Ask the judge for supervised visitation, especially if your ex has ever made comments about taking your son. Express your concerns, but be cool, calm and collected on the outside, no matter how you feel inside. State facts, not feelings. Let the judge know that your ex has asked to have his rights reduced or terminated to get out of paying child support.

Then, try to have his rights terminated. I know that is a drastic step, but if all else fails, that is an option. You would not, (if you are a good mother, and I assume you are), allow a drunkard or druggie access to your child at all. If, however, you were forced too, you would at the very least supervise the visit. You have the right to request that same consideration from the courts. Even if he is not using, he is still abusive. Don't give up. Fight for your child's right to be safe. Fight for his right to be cared for. Stand up for yourself, make sure your husband is involved. Show your ex you are not afraid, you have support, and you are not backing down. At the end of the day any little boy who feels the need to beat a woman to feel better about himself is a coward. When confronted with confidence, calm, and assertiveness, they crumble.

And for goodness sake, make sure you have a will. If something were to happen to you, you want to be sure your ex doesn't teach your son to be a woman beating low-life.

Pray for wisdom every time you have to have any contact with your ex, and pray for favor in the courts. God is gracious to those who trust in Him. God bless. I hope I've helped.

Answer 8

i understand exactly what your going through .if and when your sons father contact you tell him that you would like to meet with him to discuss whats best for your son. tell him that your son has a stable living arrangement with you and your new husband and that if he's mot going to be committed to being a good father to your son then he might as well give up his parental rights and let you and your husband raise him. tell him that you have been the one taking care of him and that you don't want him to mess up the security that you have given him. if he fights you on this tell him to take you to court for a custody hear ,witch he probably won't want to do because they have records of him not even wanting to pay support

Answer 9

You should discuss this with your husband as to whether the child's father would be even welcome in the house. You might need a restraining order if the man tries to force himself on the family. You certainly should not allow him to be alone with your son at any time. Only a judge can rule on access

Answer 10

Does he have legal visitation? If he doesn't than he has no rights. If he does, take him back to court. I believe that your son can refuse to see him without you getting involved. In other words, all you have to do is make him available. At 7 or 8 though, I am not sure. Call legal aid.