is it wise to not let my daughters father know that she was molested by his stepgrandfather and his mother kne

Question

My daughters father and i are divorced. My daughter asked me not to tell her dad, because it would make him upset.

i left out that my daughters grand dad has died. That is when i found out. One day i ask her if she missed her grand dad. they were very close, or so i thought. I asked her all throughout her childhood if he has ever done anything to her sexually: reason being for my questioning her was because from infancy until 11 yrs old she visited and slept between them in there bed. i told her many times that she should always feel comfortable to tell me if anything like that is now or ever does happen to her. her answer to me that day was a bursting out of tears and saying no i hate him, over and over; and then she told me why she hated him and why she never told me or her dad or anybody else. She said it is because she did not want to hurt anybody. and please do not tell daddy. This man can not pay for this crime on this earth!!!! does that change some answers? I really need some opinions about wether to tell her dad or not.

Answer 1

Potentially you should try and get her to tell him herself - when she's ready. But he should be in the loop at some stage, the sooner the better.

Answer 2

be glad that her stepfather is dead and can't do this to anyone again.

Take her to see professional help in dealing with this. Don't try and deal with it yourself, she didn't come to you when it was happening, so she won't tell you about it all now. SHe needs proper professional help otherwise it will haunt her in the future. And you know as well as everyone else in here knows, the father has to know, this has to be dealt with as a united support system, with professionals. Don'ts weep it under the carpet.
Sorry to sound like a B*tch in a time of need, but if you suspected something which you obviously did or you wouldn't have kept asking her, why did you let her keep sleeping in the same bed as him? Its your daughter that is important now, not you're fear of telling your ex what has happened to your daughter, take your responsibility as a mother, and take her for professional help and see your ex and tell him what has happened. The question you've posed makes it seem as though you're still worried about what will happen to you, you should really be worried about your daughter now. Was your mother in the bed whilst your daughter was getting molested? This is terrible, i hope your daughter recieves the support she needs, all the best to her.

Answer 3

First, how old is your daughter now? Second, if the molester is dead, pressing charges won't work-but if the grandmother knew, she needs to be confronted; and pressing charges might be an option. Thirdly, and most important: Get help for your daughter. There are many good counselors who have experience in this area. As far as telling her dad-depending on her age, you should respect her wishes. While, I think it's important for her dad to know-to be able to help her-it's also up to her to tell him or not. I would sit down with my daughter and tell her of her options and suggest she tell her father and get professional help. There are support groups for survivors of sexual abuse. They can be very helpful to her. Just to know that she's not alone-and that it's not her fault-may help her a great deal.

Answer 4

I would listen to your daughters wishes. Sure her father probably should know, but if she doesnt' want him to know, it is her choice. If you tell, she could hate you for telling. She might have problems trusting you with anything in confidence for a very long time. Most likely, when she is ready, she will let her father know. Let her grow up, a bit. Perhaps later in life she will want to tell her father. Please leave it up to her. I say this, from the standpoint, of being molested when I was a child as well. She needs time to deal with this issue. Perhaps send her to counsiling to help her get through it. The more she has worked out, the more comfortable she might feel telling her father. However, taking her to counsiling is not about getting her to tell her father, but about helping her. If she never decides to tell her father, it is still up to her. You need to respect that to keep your family's emotional ties as heathly as possible.

Answer 5

its a tough one is this and how hard it must have been for your little girl to keep that a secret all that time. i hope she has been checked out by a doctor to make sure shes ok and maybe she could do with seeing a councellor to talk about it if not now when shes a bit older.
i would personally tell her dad because that man has been in his life too and he needs to know what a scum bag he really was,and if the grandma knew too she is just as bad

Answer 6

Tell her father if he can be trusted not to do anything drastic. Like kill his mother or something.
Do not make her tell him.
Do not put her though that she has been through enough and if you don't take her to a mental health professional of some kind that is truely crazy. They can advise you better about the law in your area.In fact you can get the appointment and go yourself first and spare your child the impact it will make on another adult.

Answer 7

I know what it is like to be molested. My mothers boyfriend molested me at age 7. I told her 7 years later and it broke her heart... she kept asking me why I didn't tell her sooner. He does have I right to know but sit down with your daughter and explain why it is important... he might be hurt but he would be hurt more not to know. All three of you need to have a serious conversastion. Please tell your daughter for me that my heart goes out to her and I know what she has been through. You said his mother knew about all this... what kind of mother could just keep her son in the dark about something as important as this?

Answer 8

i think u should tell him,as my father done the same to my siblings and it all came out about 4 years ago i am 27 now and it tore my hole family apart that it was hidden 4 so long,i have not seen or heard from him since and now it is out every body can get on with there lives without the big secret hanging over them

Answer 9

I am so sorry to hear about this! My heart goes out to you and your daughter!

I agree with Lorraine.

You need to have your daughter sent to therapy or counseling in order to get help ASAP. She has suffered for so long already, keeping all this pain inside her...! Don't think it doesn't affect her because it does, and unless she learns how to unburden and how to deal with her feelings she may be scarred for life.
Reinforce her just how much you love her and help her through the healing process, which will be long and very hard....

You will both be in my prayers, starting tonight. Good luck and God bless you!

Answer 10

You need to get this out in the open and get matters sorted. In the long run it will do more damage to your daughter - she will need to speak with professionals to help her overcome this terrible ordeal, and you will need the support of your ex when the police etc get involved.

I am really sorry that you are in this position, and however hard it is going to be for you it will be worse for your daughter, but honestly, all the answerers are correct you need to get this sorted.

Your daughter has asked you not to tell, because she thinks its her fault! She is confused and distressed and needs expert help.

Your daughter is the VICTIM in all of this and that beast needs dealing with through the criminal system. This will empower your daughter in the long run as she will that she has overcome the worst ordeal anyone could ever come through, and also for you, you will always have that feeling of failure to protect, so please, please, please get the authorities involved and get this sort of man out of children's midsts.

I am begging you as a mother, to help your daughter, yourself and your future relationship.

All the best

L

Answer 11

BLESS YOUR DAUGHTER SYMPATHIES GO OUT TO YOU AND HER, but shes got a point but its not strong enough, hes her father he has a right to know, i appreciate there's two forms of trusts, the trust of your little girl but also the trust of your ex, and your the adult you make the decisions i think you should tell the father, perhaps ask him to handle it in a discreet way so that your daughter doesn't get upset

my heart goes out to you i really hope you it works out for you