Trouble with stepdaughter of suicide mom?

Question

My stepdaughter is the daughter of a mom who commited suicide when her daughter was 6. I married her dad when she was 11, having known her for 3 years prior. She has been endulged since her mom's death as her dad overcompensated for the loss. This has created a child who speaks her mind no matter what, has a total loss of respect for anyone older than her, doesn't know her place in the family, acts disruptive and is extremely arguementative. I am acting in the role of her mom because her birth mom is dead. I cannot cope. I am on medication and off work because of the extreme stress she has caused in our home on a daily basis. I am in therapy. This child is not on medication, nor in therapy. She just goes about her day trying to get he own way every day no matter what anyone even her dad says differently. There is always a scene. I feel such a sense of hopelessness that I do not know how I am going to cope for the remaining years she lives with us. Any suggestions 4 me?

Answer 1

I bet you didn't plan out for these things before you fell for taht guy and married him.

Anyways, what you can do now is forget that girl as your step daughter, and forget yourself as a step mother. Just think of her as girl, without proper family support. Try being friends with her. Convince her that yo uare always there for her. Create a bond. Although it has to be mutual, but if the other person doesn't take a step towards you, you have to put an efort and take 2 steps towards the person. that's the way it goes. At some instance of time, the other would realize what it needs to do and contribute accordingly. Till then, be strong and be wise.

All the best...

:-)

Answer 2

Lets get this straight right off the hop YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER! Nor will she let be. You are the woman in the way. You are the woman who is stealing her father away from her. After her losing so much at such a young age she feels your taking the only thing she has left to hold onto hence the acting out disrespectful nature. She needs help some sort of therapy to realize what she needs from you and to deal with all the emotions she has never dealt with or was to young to. She's also entering the changing years and that's difficult for without her mom. Just be there for her get her help and if necessary leave the situation until your able to handle it. I wish you all the luck in the world I was that child once.

Answer 3

I think ur stepdaughter needs to understand that u r not trying to act as a stepmother.She has to learn that u r her mother and she can open up to u and u r always there to listen to her.I think u and ur husband need to spend more time with her.Especially u need to spend more time with her.May be at first she may neglect or reject for ur company,but give 4-5 tries,may be like u and ur stepdaughter join swimming classes or aerobic or painting etc.etc.especially in things which she is interested in,and after few days when she starts showing signs that she no problem with ur company,u offer her for a tea or coffee at a pub nearby and ask her how is her school going on which subject she finds tough,whether she needs tuition's to do better in that subject,what extra-curricular activities she has been indulging at school etc.etc.On her birthday organise a party ask her to call her friends home.After few days ask her whether she can come along with u for shopping.Buy her something.Later ask her whether she can help u out in the kitchen.Tell her ur childhood stories-funny ones.I know all this would take months but once u gain her trust in u.Then the rest of ur life with her would be the best.

Answer 4

You knew Dad overindulged Daughter before you married him. What were you expecting?

Sorry to be a wet blanket but here's the approval you need.

Get out of this sham of a marriage now, while you still have enough strength and health to put your life back together.

It's not that you don't love him - or her, for that matter - but it's killing you. And he's standing by allowing it to happen

So how much does he love you?

No. You'll never compete with Princess - so get out now. Don't look back. Get some good therapy and meds, get a job and get your life back.

Wish I could be more encouraging but there's nothing that can be done/said to save this marriage. It was a sham from the start.

Answer 5

Didn't u get any other person in the world? Y did u have to choose to marry her Dad? She is just out of senses b'coz of this incident. I sympathise with u. May be u should make her feel that u love her equally as ur own kids &she is no different from them. U should have brought this into her mind when she was younger, now I think she is grown up & became more stubborn.

Answer 6

You had married her father, not her. You need to take a stand and speak up for your rights. If your husband do not respond to it in a nice way, the conclusion is that he married you to take care of his house and daughter. Nothing else. If that is the case, why ruin your life? Divorce him. If that brat is over 18, kick her out of your house. Don't feel pity on her because her mom committed suicide. Did you ever tried to find why she committed suicide? You may find your answer by digging deep into this subject. Stand up for your right. Since you said you are off work, that means you are able to support yourself. You don't need this headache in your life. The girl need to learn respect is a two way street. One has to earn it.
Forget about replacing her mom. Is it also possible that she may have a theory how and why her mom has committed suicide? She might be angry at whole family. Before you go crazy, you need to find both sides or forget about all of them. Including her father.

Answer 7

Her father needs to stop overindulging her and giving her guidance and discipline. She needs to hear the word "NO" from him and she needs to learn that she is not the center of the universe and that there are consequences for bad behavior. I have an 11 year old stepson whose mother gives him whatever he wants and allows him to do whatever he wants instead of spending any time with him. I could not stand to be around him. He would never eat what I cooked and his dad would order him food. He came and went as he pleased and dictated where we went and it always included a trip to the mall so he could get what ever he felt like getting that day. He started making up lies about me and every time I tried to talk to my husband, he would just say that he could not go against his mother. I almost left my marriage because of this child as I was miserable and could not stand it anymore. My husband finally stepped up to the plate and started acting like his father instead of his best friend.

Answer 8

you know you can't replace her mom but you can act like on e and be supprotive and by the way your talking you sound like you are so that's good maybe one day when she seems fine you and her should go out do something fun together and talk about the situition about her and her birth mom and maybe she might get a real good understanding of what she's doing and everything because with out a mom it's hard to go thorough life and not know what it would be like to have a mom so be understanding and caring then maybe things will work out for you and her and the rest of the family!!

Answer 9

It's her hormones. Continue therapy. Perhaps get he to one or join you at yours. Always smile, stand your ground, try to act as things don't phase you. Like you don't hear her. Always be pleasant & offer to spend time w/ her. Use this line" you heard what I said", then maybe walk away until she calms down. Threaten juvenille hall / jail.

Answer 10

Ask her teachers to get together with you and your hubby, maybe the meeting will make him see what is really going on. And get her the help she should of been getting this whole time!! Good luck