Why is it that my husband decided to be nice to me after all the children left our house?

Question

He was physically and mentally abusive. It drove me in the hospital. Then after it is to late he decided to act like a normal human being. My local priest is the one who told me to disolve our marriage. Our marriage lasted 12 years. This really hurts. If he would have just been nice in the beginning then we'd have been in a good place right now.

Answer 1

When he thought he had you trapped he did whatever he wanted. Now that you aren't trapped, he's trying to keep you by being nice. If you ever get trapped again (ie. have another kid) he'll be right back at being abusive.

Answer 2

Lets see - after 12 years of marriage the kids are all gone - either they are exceptionally progressive or they were from a prior union and you husband was not thrilled to have been burdened with them. He just wanted you and he got saddled with them and took out his passive aggression on you.
OR - you have had enough - you no longer need a man around to help you raise your kids and you have the blessing of your priest - this new Independence shows so you once again seem desirable. Some men like the chase better than the long haul. It is your choice - you could approach this as a new relationship and start over or walk away and start over with someone else (or just yourself). But wouldn't it feel good to give him the old "Hi Ho Silver" and away you go? Good luck.

Answer 3

Is he a normal human being without the kids or without this marraige? One of the biggest problems with abusive men is that they are really good at finding someone else to blame for all the problems they create.

Be glad that he isn't stalking you or threatening you and that you can be free of him without police intervention. Don't even think about taking him back or it will happen again unless he gets help.

You can both be at peace and someone else can have the troubles you had with him.

Answer 4

He's probably scared to be alone in the world.

Sounds simple, but I'm sure that he realizes that the kids don't want to have much to do with him and he's driven everyone else away too. Who's left? You. 12 years, you put up with him. Fear is a great motivator.

Don't let it hurt you. You did your bit and now it's time for you to take care of yourself. He's a big boy and can find his way on his own.

Answer 5

All abusers have been abused and consequently, deprived of proper parental love at some point in their lives. And he was envious of the emotional investment and proper motherly love you rightfully gave to your children. Adults should not be as emotionally needy as children, but sounds like his abuse of you was his way of expressing his yearning to be loved. He got jealous, lashed out at you with misplaced anger and tantrums, and caused the demise of your marriage. This man-child you were married to suddenly changed his tune when his "competition" for affection grew up and left the nest. Now the nest is his, and his age-regressed self re-emerged to stake claim to what was emotionally his. He was suppose to go through this critical development stage at age four! Observe carefully - Preschool children always say "MINE! MINE!" when claiming a toy from a playmate. Your former husband never got past this preschool milestone. And no one was around to help him cope with the anxiety and brewing anger - so it lay dormant, until he married. Unfortunately, you were left with a huge burden marrying someone who you had no idea needed proper maternal love.

My sense is that: ITS NOT YOUR FAULT that his mother didn't provide the guidance needed to help him mature to a man. ITS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY either to compensate for her inadequacy. He wouldn't have ever been nice to any woman, because he had unresolved bitterness towards the woman (his mother) who was suppose to help him cope before getting a wife!

Know that I feel that you are exonerated from any responsbility for his actions and the unfortunate consequences (divorce). This really is hard to do, as humans, but we must forgive and release the people that hurt us. Although you alone cannot repair what has been damaged, with the help of God, anything is possible. I am completely compassionate towards your hurt and resentment - I was also there and continue to pray through the Holy Spirit to release my bitterness. I pray that time will heal your wounds and God be your comfort during this time! Please contact me anytime through www.ezraweb.com

Answer 6

Forgiveness is the mainstay of the Christian yet your priest denies the need?

Perhaps your husband was jealous of your attention to the children, I know my dad was, so its got to be pretty common. You could still be in a good place because we men need your aid, besides God works in ways that test our faith, constantly. Don't throw away something that can't be shared with anyone else because of your fears.

Answer 7

So are you out of this relationship? Abusers often act nice to the abused, and try to "make up", and get the other partner back, then turn right around and abuse them again, so if you are out of that relationship, you should probably stay out, get counseling, and try to move on.....

Answer 8

He may have learned, or he may be in the "nice" part of the violence cycle. Your priest was right to urge you to get away from this person. Good luck, and use your head.

Answer 9

Because he probably thought that you wouldn't leave with children in the house. Once they left his security blanket was taken away and he knew he would loose you if he didn't change his behavior. Just a guess.

Answer 10

This is a question that only your husband would know the answer to, for we cannot read his mind about what he thinks. All we can do is speculate, and you need to give us more info to do this.