How do you have a pagan wedding with Christian and Atheist family?

Question

I'm pagan and have been so for a lil while but its very very close to my heart. I'm in love with a wonderful man who happens to be an Aethist, as is much of his immediate family. My mother was raised in a Espicopalean family, and my stepdad is a Church of Christ Christian. My mother knows that I'm pagan as does her sister. My dad knows but doesn't approve of it. I have not told my grandmother because I'm afraid she'll freak out along with some other key members of my family. I want my faith reprented in my wedding but I don't want to upset anybody, but it is my wedding. So I've decided that instead of having a traditional wedding or a handfasting that I want a combination of the two. I'm just not sure how to do it without it looking strange. Any ideas?

Answer 1

As you wrote, it is your wedding--yours and your fiancé's. As long as you and he are satisfied, that's all that matters. If you wish to have two celebrants--one Christian and one pagan--then you need to start making inquiries. Some Christian ministers won't do that. I'd suggest asking a Unitarian Universalist minister to preside over both, since UUs tend to be more open-minded and accepting of such things. Whatever you do, though, make sure you give all your family members (especially your grandmother) a heads-up so they won't be completely bewildered.

I'm sure that this goes without saying, but if your father deeply disapproves of your choice of ceremony, then, of course, he shouldn't be expected to pay for it. That's his right. Hopefully he'll attend, but you should fit the bill for yourselves.

Answer 2

Anything out of the ordinary may seem strange ;-) but you'd be surprised how normal you can make things appear.

Write your vows with your future husband according to what has meaning to you, focusing on the love and commitment between you rather than invoking any deities or saying things you don't mean (like 'obey'). The words 'love, honor, and cherish as long as you both shall live' I think are pretty universal, sit easy on the ear, and are not out of line for a pagan or an atheist.

Wear wedding clothes and jewelry that have meaning for you, but they don't have to be outlandish; pick flowers that speak what you mean (roses are a goddess symbol, that's not outlandish either). Pick some poetry readings about love to fill the place where scripture would normally be. Include a ribbon wrapped around your hands along with the exchange of rings. Maybe a unity candle.

Have the wedding outdoors or in a hotel instead of a church. You can include symbols of the elements in the decor without referring to them or calling attention to them. For example, unity candle for fire; flowers for earth; both drink water from a goblet as a symbol of sharing your life together; make sure the locale is well-ventilated, you're surrounded by air. And love for spirit. Voila.

Relax and think it over. It should be fun. As long as you don't make a huge deal out of the pagan aspects of your rituals, they may be subtle enough to not shock anyone. Good luck and have fun! Congratulations!

Answer 3

Contact the nearest local Ba'hai temple or school. They are very good at co-existing with various and apparently conflicting ideologies and are generally wonderful humans to associate with. They should be able to help you, love is love and when you find it grab it and hold it.
As to weddings, if you do not have a little discord during the marriage rituals there will be no resonance to the harmony between you and your mate. I envision Christ as an ascended hominid who probably has been hanging with the peasant believers of The Old Code of: do unto others as you would have done unto you,
these last two millenia much more than visiting the Popes in Rome, Martin Luthers and Jerry Falwells of this crazy bunch of stuff we choose to call life. As a paganis descended baptised to the service of the balance I am a much better Christian as a Ba'hai than as an insurgent communicant trying to rectify science and what men call religion.
Blessings to you and namaste.

Answer 4

I had friends that had a handfasting last year. For many of the people they work with, this was the first time they found out that my friends were Pagan (Wiccan actually). So, there was a note on the inside of the invitations that said something like "This ceremony will have Wiccan themed content. We don't mean to offend anyone. We hope you will share our special day with us."

Maybe you could draft something like that saying that you will be using materials from many different religions and your intent is not to offend anyone, but to make your day special for you and your fiance. :)

Good luck! :)

Answer 5

I would suggest trying to get a minister from the Unitarian Church to perform the actual ceremony. They will most likely work with you as to the content of the ceremony. Your choice of where to have your wedding, how to decorate for the wedding, your gown and those of your bridesmaids, all of these things can be "arranged" to reflect your beliefs yet still not offend anyone.
If you would like, you could have various things on the Altar that reflect your beliefs, there are a lot of things to choose from that will appear to many as innocuous, but will have meaning for you.
You can also choose to have special readings, read by special friends that reflect your beliefs without actually shoving it in peoples faces. And of course you can incorporate your beliefs into your vows.
Be creative, keep it simple and have fun. Congratulations.

Answer 6

My in-laws don't particularly know my wife and I are Pagan. Not because we didn't have Pagan elements in our wedding - it was pretty blatant - but because they just looked at it, smiled, nodded, and moved on. Apparently, it never really sunk in that the "strange wedding ceremony" that they saw was actually a Pagan wedding ceremony. ::shrugs::

A lot of folks are doing "non-traditional" wedding ceremonies. As long as you don't bring out the "P-word", you might be able to get away with just telling your grandmother that you're doing things a little different. "Kids these days..." ::shrugs::

Answer 7

The book "Handfasting and Wedding Rituals: Inviting Hera's Blessing" has ceremony content graded in terms of overtly Pagan, somewhat Pagan, and not obviously Pagan at all. It might have some good suggestions for elements that you can incorporate "undercover", as it were.

Here's a link to the Amazon.com page:

http://www.amazon.com/Handfasting-Wedding-Rituals-Welcoming-Blessing/dp/0738704709

If you have any further questions, please feel free to email me and I'll try to help you cook something up. I have the book myself and might be able to send you specific passages.

Answer 8

I faced a similar situation with a mixing up of the faiths and my atheist husband and I decided to just go to a judge and get married and after, tell everyone. It worked pretty well. Having not seen it, each person put a mental image of their own on the proceedings and doing that, they were happy...

Answer 9

That is why vows are said at weddings and no one says that you can't use them. I suggest that you and your groom set down and write out your commitment vows and have them said before a pagan priest or priestess or a judge. Good Luck to you.

Answer 10

There are some ideas here
http://www.sacredhearth.com/bos/rituals/ceremonies/handfasting