my 12 year old daughter went to live with her father?

Question

Hi, I found out that my 12 year old daughter kissed a 12 year old boy, I was upset when she confesed me, I set rules then she decided to go and live with her father, he is not a nice man or father, on top of that he is an alcoholic. She left three days ago and missed her dearly, my heart breakes when I look at her pictures in the house. Should I tell her to come back home or let her find out what kind of man he is. I realy want on honest asnwer from a heart broken mother. Thanks and I appriciate your answers.

Answer 1

1. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HER???? i mean seriousley when your daughter confesses to you you need to suck it up!!
2. HE COULD HURT HER!! beg her to come back, she might not know now but things can get worse.
3. if your daughter EVER tells you anything about her life (wich i doubt she will) then dont blow up in her face again. because trust me it hurt her the first time.

Answer 2

I think you had every right to be upset and set some ground rules for her. If its a kiss now, kissing can lead to something else she's not ready for, only peer pressure kicks in and she gives in. Too many pre-teens walking around with babies. I know its hard, but sometimes we got to let our kids bump there head in order for them to find out that life is not easy. I think you should let her stay there for a for a week or so. If he is not a nice father, he won't allow her to do anything that she allowed to do at home with you. She will get upset and come back willing to listen and obey the rules you've set up. Oh yeah, that running back and fourth between mom and dad when she gets mad...a no go! She's gotta learn that you don't have the option of leaving every time the going gets tough. You sound like a good mom who is trying to do what is best for your daughter. Stay firm and stick to the rules you create. She will learn as she gets older that there are rules for everything; at home, school, on jobs even rules that tell you how to drive! She might not understand now but she will eventually appreciate the fact that you are teaching her to follow rules.

Answer 3

You're a mother, your daughter doesn't know the real world yet and I would think that it's ok that she explores around her teenage years and maybe a little peck is alright. But only once, and make it straight that if she does any more of those kisses and has anything further than that, that you will ground her or try taking away something important to her. And im dead serious, kids dont know much yet. So what I think you should do is be a strict mother once in awhile, loving though, but tough because the teenage yrs are the toughest for you and for your daughter, you should command her to come back home without any excuses and you should tell her about your ex?
You're the boss and you really have to make it clear for her because if you can't be so caring all the time, you have to be strict sometimes. Especially with stuff like this.

Good luck! =D

Answer 4

I think your daughter also posted a question here a few pages back, if you are the mother, here is what you do.

You have rules. YOU must stick by them. The second you let up, give in, etc., she will see that you are not "authentic" and may not take any future rules seriously. Let her live with her dad. Allow her to realize that she may not have had it so bad with you. If you can find her question, and in fact, it is her, she already is realizing "the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence" as I stated in my answer to her.

Good luck, but discipline is very important. At 12, kissing is not a big deal. What happens past that however, is up to you to monitor.

Answer 5

Well I'm a mother, but only to a 2 year old. I agree that you might have been a little harsh on her when she decided to tell you, but then again I don't know what the conversation entailed. Feel lucky that she did tell you. Nothing wrong with having rules though and good for you to stick with them. Children need guidance and rules. Don't let the fact that she got upset steer you away from that.

I would talk to her about her father. Talk to her as a mother and a friend. She might think you are just trying to talk bad about him to get her back with you. Let her know that you are only concerned about her well being and that you love her. She might have to find out the hard way what kind of person he is, but then she will know and be able to trust you more. I would just keep in close contact with her and check on her regularly.

I remember the day I apologized to my mom for everything I did and also thanked her for everything she did. My parents were strict, but I know they did it out of love. I'm 25 now btw.
Keep your head up and I'm sure everything will work out for the best.

Answer 6

Stand your ground. Do not be swayed to compromise on your rules because of fear that your daughter will choose her father over you. In the end she will see that being with you is much better than being with a man who is not nice and an alcoholic. It will be hard and you will be heartbroken for a while but what you did was right. Children confiding in us is great, but that doesn't mean they can do whatever they want. We as parents must try to control our children. People don't you know that sex starts out with a kiss. She is only 12 and has no business kissing boys. She should be concentrating on school and obeying her mother. Let her find out what kind of man he is and she will gladly come back to you and be open minded towards the rules. You are called to protect her and be her mother not her peer or buddy. So many messed up parents try to take the role of buddy instead of parent and lead their children into so many problems and things they will regret. Because she chose to leave, it shows she does not respect you enough to obey and to follow simple rules. Of course we have special relationships with our kids where they can confide in us, joke with us and play around with us, but that doesn't mean they don't need discipline. Kids can be selfish and forget who feeds them, clothes them, puts a roof over their head, takes care of them when they are sick and loves them enough to die for them.

Answer 7

It's extremely unlikely you'll get the court to order him to pay any past expenses/child support. You may have some success at this late date in getting a child support order going forward, and support towards college. Whatever the decision reached, it'll probably cost you $2,000 or more to adjudicate this. Your best bet is to try and find a good local lawyer (ask around), and get a consult. Consults are usually free, but may cost a nominal amount like $50.

Answer 8

Well, your mistake was to get upset when she told you something that really was pretty mild. Your next mistake was that you let her run to her dad as soon as she didn't like something you did. You should have a custody agreement with him, worked out with the court. I think a parenting class will help you learn to set limits that are reasonable but which still allow you to listen to your daughter. A book by Stephen Covey might help, too: The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People. He talks about listening to his son and how he had to learn to do it. I think you should tell her that she is welcome back if she will follow the rules, but you should accept that she will draw her own conclusions about what kind of man he is.

Answer 9

It's up to you in the long run. I don't think I would allow my child to live with their alcoholic father....Not even an option! I would get her back to be totally honest with you! I know one downside to getting her back would be the fact that she can feel like she can walk all over you. But give her some tough love...don't send her away. i wouldn't judge you, you obviously feel horrible about your decision, but you really need to get her back. She could end up doing a lot worse than kissing a boy while in her father's care. Most alcoholics don't care at all about what their children do. She could end up down a pretty hard path...Good Luck!

Answer 10

her running to your ex is nothing to worry about, when she starts digging in to his pocket and he realises that he has to be home more and more responsible, he will send her back.. he will have to lay down rules..she is mad at you and will be home soon...
You have to try not to be so hard on her, you have the worse yet to come and you will have to have trust on both sides, she will need your guidance...kissing isn't the issue here really, she was being a bit older then you wanted her to be, your little girl is growing up.. you were very lucky that it was someone her own age and she could tell you, there is going to be a lot more of this and other stuff so it is important you can relate to one another.

Answer 11

you set a rule & she made a choice. i would keep a very close eye on what's going on with her but it will do you know good to tell her what kind of man he is. in fact it might push her farther away. the hardest part of parenting for me has always been letting them find their own way & make their own mistakes but the will feel better about themselves when the realization hits them that have figured it out. my kiddos are 24 & 19 - most of the time they ain't half bad!!