Normal for babysitter to give back rubs?

Question

Hello everyone,
Just the other day I had a high school student (18) babysit my son while I was out for the night. He's a very nice kid and I've had him babysit on several occasions, however one thing concerns me that was brought to my attention.

One day my son (age 8) mentioned some of the things they did while I was gone - (my babysitter actually plays with him, unlike most sitters) but I found out he gave my son a back rub before he went to sleep.

I try not to stress over little things like this but I can't help but worry. Before I make any rash decisions, I wanted to get a general consensus from other parents/sitters.

Do you think it's inappropriate for babysitters to give back rubs? If so, what should be my next plan of action?

PS: Please don't give me the male/sex-abuse statistical mantra - I'm well aware of that. I just want advice on this individual situation.

Thank you so much for your input so far.

To answer some of your questions:
I talked to my son this morning before he went to school and he said the babysitter checked in on him some time after he tucked him in - and when he found he was still awake, that's why he offered the back rub.

My son says it wasn't a "weird back rub", and assured me that nothing else has happened.

Do you still think this could still be a sign of "grooming"? What do I make of this?

Answer 1

Talk to your son about other people touching his privates etc. see how he responds. Do you trust your son to be honest with you. If you have to have an informative conversation with your son about child molestion, then do it, he needs to know. Some teenage boys truly enjoy going back in their youth and playing with and entertaining younger kids. So don't jump the gun. The back rub thing is a little weird tho. Most importantly talk to and trust your son to tell you when he feels uncomfortable with this sitter.

Answer 2

well I have a question to answer your question, does your son have sleeping problems that you are or are not aware of? Some time kids feel better about talking to either sitters or strangers about things rather then talking to their parents. I have been baby sitting for almost 14 years. To be honest with you allot of the children that I have baby sat has come to me with their prob. instead of going to their mom or dad because they didn't know how they would act. If you are uncomfortable with your sitter giving your son/children a back rub then you have every right to ask questions on why they do that. But you do not need to be so harsh and maybe it would be good to talk to others about him or her and get a little back ground on him. Ask him if he has ever baby sat before and if soo if you could get a hold of them and see what they think about him/her. If he is to start asking questions just play it off as like well I was thinking about hiring you to baby sit more often when I need you and pay you more and see what he does then. Some times they do give in to that.

Answer 3

I think it might actually depend on the backrub. Could you have your son show you how the babysitter did it? If you think your son could fairly accurately represent what the backrub was like, then you could see what you thought then. If it seems like it really was an attempt to be soothing, then I don't think I'd worry. My husband is a preschool teacher, and they are encouraged to gently rub the kids' backs as they are laying down for naps. But if it seems like it was a really intense, awkward backrub, I don't think I'd have the babysitter over again. You don't have to explain yourself, just don't have him sit for you again. You could always get some kind of nanny-cam going, if you do feel comfortable giving the babysitter another chance. If you feel like he needs to be turned in somehow, then you probably need to at least hear his side of the story before proceeding with any formal complaints. But overall, never ever underestimate your mommy instincts. If you don't feel comfortable about any backrub, then that's that. You are the mom. It's YOUR son. Period. Good luck~

What's with all the suggestions about finding a female babysitter- they could also be possible abusers... don't be so naive...




After your addition of saying that you talked to your son about the backrub, and you still feel uncomfortable, I think you'll have to either find a way to let it go, and have the babysitter over with a nanny cam or something, and/or have a talk with the babysitter about your rules, or you'll just have to stop using the babysitter. I think you need to trust your son, but even after he said it was nothing, you're wondering if the backrub is "grooming", so I think that you just won't be able to use this babysitter anymore. So get a new babysitter, and before they ever babysit, lay down some ground rules of what you are & aren't comfortable with, so that they know ahead of time. And learn to trust your son. I know eight is young, but it's not to young to be able to tell you if something funny's going on. Good luck~

Answer 4

Things to look for when you think your child may be sexually abused, really the only thing is, is when the child wants a new sitter, or asks if he can go with you. or says, "i just don't like him", the child becomes shelled up and skittish. in this case i don't think there is a problem. many babysitters do this to comfort the child and help him fall asleep faster and better. I'm thinking this is the flat hand rubbing in circles on the back as the child lays on his belly on the bed. this is fine, i babysit and when the child doesn't want to sleep because mom and dad ain't home yet, rubbing their back soothes them. My baby sitter rubbed my back when i was little, and i often came to expect it from new sitters as a form of trust. i think this is very appropriate for the sitter to do, some sitters actually like the job and enjoy playing with the kids. it's when the sitters don't play with the kids is when i get worried, because they aren't focused on the child. I think you have yourself a wonderful sitter, and I wouldn't fire him.
Ask your son if the babysitter says anything to him while he gives him a back rub, or touches anywhere else but his back. if he quickly and happily replies no, then don't worry, but if he seems to be holding back and doesn't know quite what to say, comfort him and tell him it's okay to tell, because you are daddy and that he shouldn't listen to everything the babysitter says.
Next talk to your sitter, casually the next time he comes to babysit, ask him why he gives your son a back rub before bed. ask him not to anymore because you want your son to grow up and be a big boy and not have to depend on things like that to get to sleep. play it up a little, and make it seem like the reason you don't want him touching him is because you don't want your boy to be a sissy.

Answer 5

Sounds like you really like this babysitter. I would suggest the next time you have him come over to babysit sit down with him alone and explain that you don't feel comfortable with him giving your son a backrub and while you're sure he was not trying to harm him that it would just make you feel better if he no longer did it. Most teenage babysitters are learning as they go and if you don't address the mistakes how will they know that they made a mistake, it happens in any job.

Answer 6

How often does he do this and maybe you should ask your son what else they do and try to get a feel on it...I personally wouldnt worry if it was just a one time thing but if he always did it then maybe you shoudl ask questions to your son and see what else happens behind closed doors and then go from there but i would definitly ask before i did anything like explode...ask him things like does he touch you (here and point ) or here or here and things like that and ask him if (babysitters name) has ever hurt him and how and where..and maybe you should talk about the "bad parts " noone is allowed to touch and if someone does to let you know right away and tell him he wont be in trouble if someone does but you want to know....GOOD LUCK

Answer 7

Personallly I wouldn't be concerned as long as it is only a back rub and your son isn't unconfortable with it. Massage is a theraputic relaxation technique and if your kid tends to get wound up before bed, it might help him sleep.

Different families have different physical boundries. While for me to holding hands/hugging/kissing (on the cheek) parents and siblings is not atypical, I understand that it is wierd for many other people.

If you are concerned about it, you should discuss it with the babysitter and let him know what the physical boundries with your family are.

Answer 8

That's a tough question. I used to work in a daycare and at naptime for the preschoolers we used to pat their backs or rub their backs. It helped the kids get to sleep. I don't know though. how did your son feel about it? If he was uncomfortable, then definitely talk to the babysitter about it. If it's something that continues to bother you, then just tell him to stop and that you aren't really comfortable with it.

Answer 9

i know i have done the same thing.. in some cases when its hard to get a kid to sleep.. you put them on there belly and rub there back (i always did it with one hand and going from the lower back to shoulders in a circuler motion) we use to do it in daycares too.. i really dont see no big thing about it.. but i sounds like your kid talks to you and at that age they dont know what to tell or hide they just tell all so if something happens they would probably tell you..

i also want to add that i didnt pay attention to the age of your child.. i was thinking like 2 or 3 but your kid is 8.. i would ask your kids what kind of back rub was it..and knowing that your kid is that age i wouldnt feel comfy with it either..and just so you guys reading this know.. i dont give 8 year olds back rubs..they dont do it in daycares either..

Answer 10

as a stay at home dad of two boys (16month old and 2 1/2 year old) i would tell you there isn't a night that i don't put my sons to bed without a head and back rub.
they enjoy it as would anyone else and it helps them to relax and go to bed.
it might be a little odd for a babysitter to do it but as long as its only a "back" rub and not "other" areas i would let it go.
unless of course your son doesn't feel comfortable.