My boyfriend was cheated on, If she didn't cheat on him - could he still be with her?

Question

My bf had a long term (5year) relationship with this chick. She cheated on him once, he forgave her. She cheated on him again, so he dumped her.

I asked him the other day if that was the reason he dumped her and he said yes but got all weird that I was asking this question (bringing up the past) I'm the sort of person that needs to get into peoples heads to figure them out and to understand them.

In my head i'm thinking, If she didn't cheat on him, they'd still be together - so i'm now thinking that - i'm second best. People always have a love that they will never forget - what if she's his and he will always think of her but has to settle for me.

Tell me i'm being ridiculous!! Can anyone relate?

I'm not rebound because it happened a few years ago, and he had another gf inbetween then.

My goodness i've never had so many good answers before :) thanks all!!

Answer 1

Don't worry, I had a girl that cheated on me when I found out she was cheating on me for the second time I dumped her too. basically the first time is forgiven but after the second your whole veiw of the person changes, and then I found my girlfriend I have now she is the top of my list and there will never be another girl that will be above her. trust me you are the top of his list, just when you brought up the cheating he started getting afraid. I don't know if my girlfriend will be reading this or not but, when she brings up my ex or brings up her ex's it kinda scares me, I normaly let it slide because I do the same with her but again she never got cheated on but its just scary bringing up the past. As long as you stay loyal to him and don't show any signs of cheating for example getting naked around other guys or getting drunk and walking around naked or something like that you don't have to worry.

if you want to know anything else about his point of veiw of the situation just IM me,

[e-mail]

Answer 2

If I were you, I'd put that FIRST question entirely out of my head. "If she didn't cheat on him--could he still be with her?" Well, he isn't, & he might not be able to answer that question himself. Does something that seems impossible to answer really matter?

I, also, like to "get into peoples heads" to better understand them. But only when it's appropriate, necessary. If you're in a good relationship with him, "bringing up the past" adds nothing to it, & CAN make some holes! If he "got all weird" this doesn't mean he has anything to hide; if may be just the opposite. He's with you, the past is over, let it be over.
If you're feeling insecure, talking about his past won't help a bit, & I can see how he'd not want to, if it's something no longer a part of him.

Sweetie, don't under-estimate yourself. (If you do, others may mirror your self image.) People may have loves they will never "forget" but they move on, & thinking you're "second best" isn't going to strengthen your self worth, OR relationship with this guy.

I don't think you're being "ridiculous," but don't seek out little green demons that may not be there at all.

There are some relationships I'll never "foget," (I don't think of any of them as a "true" love, & think of them more & more infrequently). My investment is in the NOW.

Try this, just for kicks: Is moving on "second best" or is it to someone "BETTER?"

Answer 3

The idea that people always have a love that will never forget is not true. Everybody forgets!! That's the way the brain works! So, don't buy that.

Second, he wouldn't be with her even if she hadn't cheated. Why, because before a person cheats, the relationship is already deteriorating. Cheating is the result of a bad relationship, cheating is the result, not the cause. So, even if she hadn't cheated, that relationship was falling apart already.

Finally, stop your mind. Why do you convince yourself you are the second best?? That doesn't make sense at all!! Who cares??!!
The fact is that you are the person he is with right here right now! And you should spend your energy making this relationship here and now fun and enjoyable. STOP putting your energy where it is not needed. Use your energy to make yourself and your relationship grow, don't waste it creating misery in your mind. Exercise, cook for him, make love, anything! Why to create misery where it doesn't exist????
Control your mind!

Answer 4

I had a relationship once that was great but I went and cheated on him and got pregnant. When he found out he turned his love into hate and thought I was the worst person in the world and probably still does. I hurt him really bad but I can tell you that when he's with his new girlfriend or wife I'm the last person that he thinks about and I may have been the best thing that had happened to him at one point but now I'm just a piece of sh*t. So, I wouldn't worry about whether or not your man thinks about his ex cuz when he does he probably just fills with hatred at the thought of her.

Answer 5

I do think that u r being ridiculous...
even if u boyfriend's ex didn't cheat maybe she would have done something else to make him dump her
and she does cheat...if ur boyfriend really love her than no matter how many times she cheated he would look pass that and still be with her cuz he loves her that much to forgive her again and again

dont' look at urself as the second best because u r with someone or u choose to be with that person cuz u KNOW that person is perfect for u..ur boyfriend is with u because he knows he loves you and u r the best one for him..u r NOT like his ex which he DUMPED

Answer 6

That's a very rational concern to have, but I think you need to look beyond just the act of cheating. She violated his trust and exploited his forgiving nature. This probably gave him insight into a significant part of her which he did not want to be with.

So when you ask, if she didn't cheat on him, could he still be with her? Maybe so, but that's also asking if she were a different person, which she isn't.

A large part of how people get together is circumstance, timing, and luck. When the leaves are blowing your way, I don't think it does much to argue with the wind.

Answer 7

I know what you mean. I'm engaged now, but before I got together with my fiance, he liked my best friend. The only reason he started dating me was because she told him she didn't think of him like that and that he should get to know me better. This bugged me for a while because I felt like he was just settling for me, so I finally talked to him about it. He said that he did have feelings for her at one time, but that he was in love with me and that's what matters. If he really loves you, any past relationships don't matter. The fact is that she did cheat on him and so he chose you over the other girl. That's what really matters.

Answer 8

I was in an 8 year relationship with my HS sweetheart and we broke up because I found out he was cheating on me. Although I have been happilly married (with two beautiful children) to the man I am now with for the past 10 years, I have to admitt that if it weren't fo my ex's cheating, I'd have married HIM.......BUT ......I thank God every day that he did cheat, as it turned out to be a blessing in disguise... although he was my first love (and yes I will always look at him that way) he certainly was NOT deserving of my love and I thank God I found out about his cheating before I married him (that would have been a nightmare if I found out later after marrying and having kids with him). So, to put your mind at ease, if your boyfriend thinks he is settling for you only because he broke up with his ex due to cheating, then you can do better I say! He is a fool if he does not see what he now HAS as opposed to the ungreatful, cheating liar his was with before! Lots of luck to you and God Bless You Always!

Answer 9

Man, I'm dealing with the same mess! My bf's ex chated on him and then I came along. But this is about you, so I think he wouldnt be with you if he still cared abt her. And no, he wont always think of her. She might have been his first love but that love was a waste cuz she cheated on him. You have been loyal to him, so he should be lucky he found someone as loyal as you. But then again I need help myself on this issue so my answer might sound a bit retarded.

Answer 10

Your being rediculous. There is a reason why people cheat, often illogical reason but still. even if you remove the cheating there is still the underlying problem.

Your boyfriend is thinking (well if i remove the cheating then hell yeah everythings fine and dandy) but while the problems are still there then it aint going to work. He is thinking of the positive side of her and forgetting that whore cheated on him 2 times :)