extremely rude child?

Question

I live with my boyfriend, and his 7 year old son stays with us every other week. Problem is, he's always seemed to be lacking in manners and it just seems to be getting worse as we get older. We go out to a Mexican restaurant and he screams "these chips are DISGUSTING!" If someone gives him a gift that he doesn't like he'll roll his eyes, make a face, and drop it on the floor. The other day, his father tells him he needs a moment to speak with me, and he walks out of the room saying "I HATE her, she ruins everything!" It's really starting to piss me off. If I'm eating something he wants, he'll grab it or demand it, and if his father tells him no, he screams that I "never share" (not true, I actually buy most of the food for the house). The father tries to coo at him into behaving, but he never listens and is never disciplined. I'm going crazy and just might snap at him myself soon. Help!!

He (the child) and I usually get along together very well, so I'm not taking it personally (besides, it's not just me he's being rude too). He just blows things out of proportion and doesn't express himself in a calm polite, way. Lots of great advice, thanks!

To clarify, since people are asking, here's the parent's situation. Never married, dated for several years, Mom ended the relationship about 6 months after he was born, and they have not lived together since. Dad did not date for first 6 years until we met. We've been together for a year and a half, lived together for 5 months.

Answer 1

This would be a deal-breaker for me. Control your child, or I'm out of here. Period.

Answer 2

You are in a nasty spot. Unless your boyfriend starts to stand up and address these behavior issues, and informs his son that you can address them as well (in pre-agreed upon ways that under no circumstance should include you being allowed to spank, wash his mouth out or any other punishment that requires physical contact) than nothing is going to change. A lot of this would be considered "normal" behavior for a child when a parent is in a fairly new, serious relationship. I am sure much of the behavior towards you is to try and "show you up". He wants his Dad to side with him over you as a way to know his Dad still loves him "best". It does sound like there may be more than just this going on...anger towards his Dad at the end of the relationship with his Mom, parents who have become lenient out of guilt, possibly little discipline while with Mom..but the end result is all the same. Talk with your boyfriend. Be honest about your feelings about how the son acts towards you and his behavior in general. offer to help him come up with ways to discipline the child. If this could be a make or break for the relationship, you need to say that too without making it a "him or me" statement. If possible, ask if family therapy might be an option for all of you. After that, the rest is up to him..and to you. Only you can decided if this is a relationship you want to stay in if this situation never changes.

Answer 3

Okay. I'm not gonna get all 'Preachy' but there are a few things I have to say.

Your boyfriend is not setting a good example. The kid probably learned a bit of his behaviour from his Father. Does he ever belittle you or snap at you in front of the child? If so, then that might be the problem. The kid thinks it's okay.

But also, he's probably angry not only because his Dad has a girlfriend, but because suddenly he's living with her before he even knows her. Think of the example you're setting for the kid. When he grows up, he might just treat girls like interchangeable dolls. Bad road.

Talk to your boyfriend. Explain that a 'NO' every once in a while is only gonna help him. At this rate, he's headed for serious issues. Don't keep it to yourself, or you will snap and start screaming. Trust me.

But the kid sounds like he comes from a broken home. Where's his Mom? He might be coping the only way he knows how. Children can be smarter than adults think. Maybe he's getting teased at school because of your relationship. It might be hard for him to except that two unwed people, one of them his own FATHER, for the love of Kami-san, is 'living in sin' with a woman he isn't married to. Is the place he comes from religious? If so, then that might be part of the problem.

But think about it. The kid is confused and upset. Daddy doesn't care, and he's got his new girlfriend. Jealousy is natural.

But like I said, think of the example you're setting and how the way you live your life effects him drastically.

Answer 4

Extremely rude answerers, too! well, just a few. You may have personal or religious convictions regarding people living "out of wedlock", but if that's the case, you don't have to answer. People get divorced, people live together before marriage. Do you really think that means everyone should throw up their hands and accept that that equals a child that doesn't have to learn how to ask for things nicely and behave with decorum? And who exactly will that help? Certainly not the child. Seems some of you are more interested in preaching and finger wagging than helping anyone.

I've had a similar problem. Talking to my partner helped alot Sometimes parents become immune to their kid's rude behavior, and need to be reminded of what it looks like to an outside source.

Answer 5

I think that this child doesn't hate YOU at all, he just may not like the situation of being shuttled between parents and his parents being divorced (am assuming that unless they weren't married). A kid that age doesn't have an intellectual conversation with his parents, he acts out. Being shuttled around between parents is tough for some kids.

I suggest a few things. Your boyfriend needs to (and you need to allow) one of those days on the weekends when you have the son to allow them to have a day for just the two of them. The son only gets to see the father every so often and little boys crave and need the undivided attention of their dads. If he lived with him fulltime, he would get that here and there. It has nothing to do with him accepting you or not, but unfortunately he is taking it out on you. So go do something on your own that day or stay behind at home. And just meet up with them for dinner.. The little boy is not accepting you as much as you would like right now because he may feel he is competing with you for the attention of his father. (even though obviously its a completely different relationship but as a 7 year old he doesn't care about that) Show him its okay for them to just do guy stuff and I think he will slowly come around. (even if they are just doing something mundane like working around the yard or watching tv) He will understand that you are part of his dad's life, but that you have no desire to take away his dad. Little kids just have a different thought process.

He will gradually come around. And that might make a difference after awhile on how he behaves alla round.

Another thing is that sometimes when parents are divorced, or if the parents never married and one parent has custody,
the parent who sees them every other weekend may try to overcompensate and not discipline the child like they would if they were with them everyday. They want visits to be more like fun times and they don't keep up with the "house rules." Or even if they are not trying to be the "fun parent" they feel they are competing with the other parent and don't want a bad report to get back to them. So your boyfriend also has to put his foot down and stand up to the child.

So I say its a combo of things.

Answer 6

Well to start you guys are making huge mistake living together without being married. You are teaching this kid to take relationships lightly, just as you are. As for his behavior, that's learned behavior, and his father, not you so much, have a VERY short window of opportunity to fix his head. His father needs to sit him down, have a SERIOUS talk, and set the expectations for him. No rudeness, no backtalk, NO NOTHING of that sort. He needs to decide the punishment whether it's spanking or losing stuff, whatever he thinks would work best. And then he has to consistently implement this system of punishment in return for poor behavior. He's been treated with kit gloves so far, and he's at the age where his mind is almost "fixed" into a way of thinking about the world around him, but it is solvable if it's done right NOW. If dad isn't willing, you might as well just pack your stuff unless you like living like that, because what you are experiencing now is nothing compared to what an undisciplined kid can do to you in a few years.

Answer 7

no doubt he's confused or pissed off about the situation but, that is no reason for his severe behavior or his father's unwillingness or inability to disipline him. could your husband be of the thought that he needs to coddle him b/c he doesn't see him everyday and he doesn't want to be the bad guy? has his ex threatened to not allow visitation? does he do this at his mom's house? we all know, kids need rules and such but, it's getting your husband to adhere to them that's the problem. i'm sure you've talked to your husband but i think you need to do it again. i'll bet he's fed up with it too but doesn't know what to do. sit down and make a plan with him. certain discipline for certain actions.have your husband tell his son the rules and what is expected.he has to be the one to carry it out at first. when he does a good job or acts the way he's expected, praise him. give it time. nothing is going to happen overnight and don't be surprised if when he does something right, he'll turn and do something wrong to test you two. best of luck to you.

Answer 8

Good luck, he obviously has never been disciplined and once you let a kid go like that they are very hard to turn around unless the Dad gets serious, which it sounds like he's not. I garuantee if I acted like that when I was little I would have been spanked or put in time out. He's also probably acting out due to the divorce of his parents assuming that they were married

Answer 9

You need to discuss this with your boyfriend who needs to discuss this with the boys mother. BOTH his parents need to work on his manners and make him show respect and appologise when he's rude. Suggest to your boyfriend that they start by writing house rules, then post them and have a consequence when he breaks a rule. (Time out, clean up, no TV, no movie,...etc... It's not your job to teach him but once the rules are set you should help to see that they are followed. Good Luck!

Answer 10

Ever see the Helen Keller story?

Here's the thing. When kids act like that not only are they making YOU miserable, they're making other people miserable too and eventually, they wind up miserable because no one wants to be around them.

You may not say it to him, but the fact is that people don't like hanging out with anyone who acts like a jerk. When he acts like a jerk, it's not a surprise that it bugs you.

You're in a tough spot as the girlfriend but the child is staying in YOUR home, so you should have a say in things.

We use Parenting with Love and Logic where there are natural consequences for everything. We love it because it really puts us on the same side as our kids and we have NO power struggles EVER. LOVE that!

A consequence of saying, "these chips are DISGUSTING" might be that when he's over, you all don't take him out. And if that's just the point - he doesn't like to go out - you might make something he doesn't like to eat at home. And that's dinner. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to eat it. He'll throw a fit, to be sure, but it might help him get the point.

And if he does throw a fit and you don't want to be around it, he needs to go to his room. Or, maybe you get a sitter who is miserable to be around to watch him while you and his dad go out to eat. Make it a late night.

This isn't about "getting back" at him at all. It's about the natural consequence. When you act like a jerk, people don't like to be around you. Dad and gf don't want to deal with you, nice baby sitters don't want to deal with you...so, you sit at home with a grouchy sitter while dad and gf go out to get a break! AND when you CAN behave yourself in a way that people want to be around, then we'll all enjoy time together.

I'm sorry you're in this position and I don't know if you can suggest it, but perhaps you two (you and your bf) could read the book together or you can see if they have classes in your town. Take them together so you're on the same page. It'd be great if mom would take the classes too, but even if she doesn't at least this child will know the rules at your house.

Check the ClineFay website for classes in your area.

Good luck.

Answer 11

You should not be living with a man not your husband. Your b.f. is rebellious to the word of God so he in turn has a rebellious son. As for you--this is your home? you make all the rules for YOUR OWN HOUSE -this kid should be disciplined by his dad as he will only get much worse as he reaches 10, 11, 12- After you put on 30 pounds due to stress, get a few grey hairs and need tranquilizers--mabey then you will acquire the wisdom to get rid of them both. From the kid's point of view--he needs his dad to himself he does not need you in the picture. His dad is coping out.