What should I do with a clingy friend?

Question

We have been friends for ten years, since freshman year in college. We have not lived in the same city since. We are both artists. She has been "interested" in me before but I am not, but we still stay friends. She sends me an email at least once every other day and calls every four or five days or so. That is too much for me. I am a recluse. If I don't respond she says I am being a bad friend. I don't want to ditch her, but how can I be polite and create some distance?

To make this R&S compliant, she was an atheist and my discussions with her led to her conversion to Christianity ten years ago. So there.

Sho-Nuff: I only "brainwashed" her during a few discussions. I've not had much to say since. In fact, she tells me I should be going to church because I generally don't and she does.

Answer 1

I like Phoenix's answer. You've probably tried this before since you've known her for 10 years and thats when she kicks in with "You're not a good friend". When she does that you might consider being a little more confrontational. An email that goes like:

Dear Friend:

I've known you for 10 years and you know how I value our friendship. One thing that keeps coming up for us is that I am a bit of a recluse and you like to stay in touch with me more often than I feel comfortable with. This isn't about you, it's about me and my recluseness. If I ask for a little more space from you, it's because of who I am. NOT because I don't value your friendship. Obviously I think a great deal of our friendship or it wouldn't have taken me this long to say anything. If I didn't care about our friendship, I wouldn't write this letter to you now - I'd just let the friendship fade away.

Everybody has different affiliation needs. Mine and yours are different. It doesn't make either of us a 'bad friend.' What would make a 'bad friend' is someone who doesnt' respect the others needs, even if we don't understand it. I'm asking that we create a little more distance. I do love to hear how you're doing, but please know, when I don't respond right way, it's just because I'm "being me." A phone call once a month, an email once a week is enough to keep me in touch with my friends. It gives me enough time to focus on my work and enough "alone time" to give me balance.

Hope you understand.

Dog Sneeze

Answer 2

Start off by not responding. When you get the accusation that you're not being a good friend, just tell her, "Look, it's not that I don't want to be friends with you, and it's not that I'm a bad friend. I just don't really have that much to talk about every other day. I would do much better if I could go some time between talking. To be honest, a conversation once a month is more than enough for me. I'm sorry if that makes you feel bad or if it makes you feel like I don't care about you, because I do. I just prefer to keep to myself for a while. Can you please understand and respect that?"

Answer 3

When that dynamic comes up with friends, the only thing that's worked for me is to hang up the phone and pray. If you try and talk to her endlessly, it will probably go nowhere, and leave you feeling drained and her feeling frustrated.

Sometimes spiritual dryness comes off to friends as "neediness." People cling, and try to satisfy that "thirst" with friendships, but it doesn't work, and it leaves the other person feeling drained. If that's the case, she needs the "quenching" that the outpouring of the Holy Spirit brings, and that will come powerfully through prayer for her, praise and worship from her, and her willingness to let Him in.

I would simply intercede in prayer for a decent amount of time to start - maybe pray based on Isaiah 61 and Acts 2 about what happens when the Holy Spirit shows up. You may even want to take a day (morning until dinner) fasting for her. If you do that, I guarantee the next time you talk to her it will be different. She'll either reject the Holy Spirit and will be even worse and possibly mean to you or she'll be renewed and joyous like she never thought possible!

Answer 4

If she's a friend, give her the truth, but softly. Tell her that it's important to you to stay in touch but not to be offended if you only e-mail or phone her once a week. Suggest a discussion group that might interest her and take up some of the slack.

Answer 5

Tough call. Speaking from experience, she's still hanging on for you to change your mind. Just keep taking a few more days to respond. Don't answer the phone once in a while and call her back a couple days later. You really do just have to drop her just a little bit. She will keep holding on, but eventually will back off to your pace.

Answer 6

I think you might be asking the wrong question. You sound like you're going to end up very lonely if you don't overcome this whole recluse thing. Have you considered talking to a psychologist?

You might be passing up something wonderful that you'll regret later.

Answer 7

Well... I AM a clingy friend when I'm not on medication. Does she have anxiety? Maybe you could gently suggest that she get meds? I must say, I would not have reacted well, but I'm much happier now that every waking minute isn't filled with wondering if the people I care about are angry with me!

Answer 8

Say hey now, ya can't be calling me a bad friend if I don't like talking as much as you do. I care, know that I do, and that I'm just hanging out. You can be a friend too, by respecting that about me. I am not a phone person, I'm not even all that social, it's not a bad thing, it's just my thing! Please don't judge me because I don't socialize as much as you, it's not a crime. Peace?
Pray before you tell her, it'll come to you.

Answer 9

tell her once a month is enough for you Write the 1st of ea month
you all dont sound too compatable

Answer 10

Have sex with her. (???) She will either cling to you more, or never talk to you again. Either way you win. WORD UP. Since when is a girl who cares for you a problem?