I just found out a friend of mine (who I love) did time for sexual abuse 18 yrs ago,now he tells me?

Question

I met him a year and a half ago. He says IT (touching) happened when He was 14 yrs old, he's now 32 and he says it was an isolated incident. He says it has never happened again. He says he was a kid himself, no one told him different about how to deal with the feelings of puberty. I told him he was old enough to know. Can I forgive him if what he says is true? Children have their natural curiosity, but what kind of questions can I ask to know if he's telling the truth? Are questions worth asking? I am a victim as well from happenings in my childhood, my friend is aware of this. I told him he's on the opposite side of the fence from me. I am a victim, he was an offender. What I do know is that most offenders were abused themselves when they were children. I know I can talk to a counsellor, but I prefer the anonymity in Yahoo. I know my friend loves me, and I love him. He's written apologies to the kids. I question if any answers he gives me will soften this blow. CryingHelp

I don't know yet if he's a registered offender. I told him that he's had all these years to deal with this, I only just found out. He has to give me a chance to deal with this. And I don't even know how this is going to turn out. Should I talk to his mother?

I've also posted this same question in Marriage & Divorce.

I ask for your prayers - PLEASE.

Answer 1

Dear one - Are you both Christians? I can only advise you from my own viewpoint as a Christian. (I have to ask since all different forms are here at Y!A R&S)

First - you need time to be in prayer with God about this. You have deep wounds that effect your ability to trust. God will help you with whether this is a person to remain in contact with or not.

Your past will color all your relationships, if the wounds still scar your soul. Only God can heal wounds so deep. Trust Him, hon. Humans will always fail us - but God never fails.

Second - ask his mom. Ask for transcriptions of the court proceedings... CONFIRM the validity of his accounts for your own peace of mind. Ask about any counseling HE has had. See if he will go to a counselor WITH you. (My own personal "radar" would go off if he refuses...)

Thirdly - there is an amazing resource that can help you identify what kind of offender he is/was... and help with your decision to continue with contact. It is a book called, "Protecting Your Children From Sexual Predators" by Doctor Leigh Baker.

It is an extensive guide that helps with everything from the adult predator to the curiousity of a child.

...Granted... 14 is a little old for simple "curiousity." (I'm 43 - and I remember how the boys talked when I was 14...)

The book is a wonderful guide and will give you a remarkable "blue-print" for intelligent questions of your friend.

I pray you find peace through this, dear one.

Answer 2

Well 14 really is too young to know any better, the consequences of sex is not something he'd have been cognitively aware of at that time... It's easy to be caught in hormones and lost in the moment/excitement. And given how terrible sex education is in this country it's entirely possible that nobody taught him how to deal with the feelings, or even that no means no.

You haven't said specifically what he was supposed to have done, but if he touched/groped or fondled a girl, it's quite a bit more innocent than rape, especially at that age. And if it was an isolated incident than it seems he learned rather quickly about the consequences and the fact that other people's bodies aren't his province.

You're coming to the religion board, so I'd remind you the message behind religions is generally to judge not and to forgive, especially when people are genuinely sorry about it. If he's written apologies to the kids (which kids you haven't said), then that does show a good degree of remorse. Also did he tell you this on his own or did you find out? If he told you then it means he trusts your judgment and finds it important to tell you this.

It sounds like your own previous experience with this sort of thing is spurring an emotional response and great inner conflict. Just from what you've said, I'm guessing what you suffered was probably substantially worse than what he did at a stupid and ignorant age.

I personally think you should forgive him.

Answer 3

In most US jurisdictions, if he "did time" as a juvenile, then the records are sealed unless he was prosecuted as an adult... if he was handled as an adult, then the incident would be probably more than just petting, unless there was also an issue of race involved. Apparently there was more than one child involved, too. Get the facts. Check the "registered offender" web site for your state if you're in the USA.

Fourteen years is a long time - and puberty is a time of enormous change, too. Did he tell you about it? Is it relevant to your current relationship (do you have a child, do you plan to have children?)

Seek counseling if possible. A good Methodist pastor might be a great choice if you're a Christian - you'll have anonymity as well as legal protection.

May God guide you through this difficult time.

Answer 4

18 years is a long time. And we are talking about a 14-year-old child. Teens make stupid mistakes all the time.

If this question were about someone who did this when he was 27, then I would definitely say to be on your guard. Nobody is perfect, and people are less perfect as kids.

I can't say that your friend is free of those feelings. Maybe he isn't. But you shouldn't allow one case as a teenager paint a bigger picture of his whole life.

When I was 14, I shoplifted. I'm not proud of it. It's stupid stuff that I did as a kid (when I thought I was invincible). I don't steal today.

You can be on your guard; I wouldn't suggest trusting him with your own child just yet, but find out first. Check the registries to see if he's been busted on other accounts. Most likely, if he came out with this information, then he's not going out of his way to hide it. That is a good sign. If you had found out through other channels, then I would certainly be suspicious.

While I doubt you've done anything as horrific as sexual abuse, I'm sure you have done some things at age 14 that you are not proud of. Would you want people to shun you for those? Especially if you don't do them anymore?

It sounds like he came out to you as a friend. Be a friend back. Keep your distance at first, in case you're wrong, but you should be able to see his heart after some time.

Answer 5

The pain of both your pasts makes this an unhealthy relationship. You can forgive him for not being upfront in the beginning with you, especially as he knew your past. But, I wonder what other "secrets" he has not told you about? I was a victim of incest myself, and it has had an impact on my whole life. This type of person (pedophiles) do not change nor can they be "cured". If this person served time for sexual abuse, it was not just touching someone inappropriately. How old was the child victim? Did it happen many more times and he just wasn't caught? I would believe that were more likely than he never did it again. If it were me, I would leave this relaitonship immediately. You will always wonder if you can really trust him --especially sexually and especially around children.

There are many men out there who are not "sick" like this person. Find one who will make you feel happy and SAFE.

Answer 6

All I can say is I hope you don't plan on having kids with or near this person....
Like you said, how can you know what's the truth about it?
Personally, I would never be able to trust someone who has done such things. I don't see how you especially would be able to EVER trust such a person - even if it was just his past. Trust is a key ingredient in relationships - without it, there really is nothing there but an acquaintance.
However, I will say that these experiences tend to circle around. Be careful - often the abused becomes the abuser - break the cycle.

Answer 7

The part you said about him writting apologies to the kids????Kid-s, meaning more than one, He said an isolated incident. Well this in its self would be a red flag for me. Kids meaning more than one, doesnot mean an isolated incident. And a year and ahalf isn't a very long time. I would wonder if he told me only because he was afraid I would find out? I would for sure check into it. Find out as much as you can, I am afraid you might find out more than he is telling you, because it sounds like more than just an isolated incident.

Answer 8

I am so sorry that you had to find out this devastating news about your friend. Has your friend sought out psychological help for his problem? Maybe he has been able to move on and regrets his horrible behavior. Has he talked to a member of the clergy about this situation? I know it is difficult for people to change, physical and sexual abusers alike. Unfortunately I know someone like that also. He is married to one of my relatives. I struggle with my feelings also. I would try to convince your friend to get help if he has not already. Even if he acted on these feelings only once, there could be some residual desires lurking deep inside. Maybe you could talk to your clergy also. Please take care. I wish you the best.

Answer 9

The overwhelming evidence is that sexual abuser are repeat offenders. Whether it has been 18 days or 18 years. I think you would be foolish to trust such a individual. The fact that he 'befriended' you says that he is still on the prowl for vulnerable people.

Answer 10

People do change. Talking to his mother won't do anything but stir the pot and upset her. Do you have any children? Thats the only thing that might concern me at this time. Has he ever done anything to make you wonder about him? If he has never done anything suspicious maybe he has changed. Go to the local police, explain the situation and ask them if anyone has filed a complaint against him since that time. Maybe they could tell you.