How should I deal with this problem with my parents?

Question

When I was 14 I got and messed up. For some months I gave my parents a hard time. I wasn't being myself. They decided to punish me harshly. I truly regretted and decided to change, but they were unforgiving. I lost their trust, so I got devastated, asked for forgiveness but they didn't accept. For 4 months I suffered a alot, did my best to regain their trust, but nothing. My gradeds dropped, I got into a deep depression. My grandma helped me and my parents agreed I spend some time with her. She gave me love and trust, what I needed most and y life changed completely! I was happy w/ her,never got in any trouble, volunteered for social activities, found myself again. Today I'm 20, graduating in Medicine. My grandma passed away, but left me an apartment and assets. I'm doing great and haven't seen my parents for 2 years. Now they desperately want me back. But they were so cruel, couldn't understand a 14 yo girl, tortured me emotionally that I simply cant see them.

After what happened, I could never see my parents as a source o love again. Talking to them made me sad, depressed, all those bad memories, those bad days would get back. This can never be changed

The question is, how do I deal with this? Should I talk with them? Rebuild our relationship? I guess I can't and anyway they didn't help me become what I am today

Answer 1

The professionals in forgiveness research say you need to replace the emotion of anger with the emotion of empathy every time you think of those bad days. That means you have to do the very thing you wanted them to do when you were 14. If you can't do it, you are experiencing the very same thing they experienced when you did what you did.

They had trouble forgiving you. You have trouble forgiving them. Maybe you now know how they feel and why they couldn't forgive. You have to decide whether you can do what you hate them for not being able to do. It's up to you.

There's no law that you have to forgive. But if you have a need to forgive -- and you truly want to forgive, you have the capability to forgive. Of course, this is a very complicated subject and you may have to read up on it or get counseling.

You might take this book out of your library:

Answer 2

That's up to you. We don't know what you did and what they did. It sounds like they were excessively harsh, but that's just based on what you're telling us. We don't know what other side of the story (if any) there is. Still, your feelings are real, regardless of the source. If you do choose to approach them, perhaps you could do so with someone you trust to support you and back you up (but not get drawn into any battles). Maybe you could try some counseling to help you deal with your stored-up pain before you see them. They are your parents, for all their faults, and like all of us, they were trying to figure out how to raise their children the best way. Giving them another chance would presumably help both them and you - our old grudges poison a lot of our interactions with anybody else.
In the end, though, it's your call. Good luck!

Answer 3

It is understandable how dealing with your parents can dig out all the old feeling and hurt from your past.

You were fortunate to be able to find someone who was able to work with you and provide you with the environment that you needed to grow and prosper. However, there really is no point in running from your past on this one...this thing really will chase you and wear you down.

Soooo...the question is what do you want to do. Is forgiveness in the cards? Is more space necessary? Are you trying to seek out revenge for them hurting you?

All of us are human and in difficult situations, we can make some bad decisions. If you think the reason why they treated you the way they did to be malicious, then...well...they are out to ruin your life. What can you do but stay away from them.

However, if they were simply trying to do what was best (even if their choices were bad), then forgive them that. Consider letting them know how what they did has hurt you. Finally, decide on what terms that your parents can be involved in your life. If they are going to continue to pour poison in your life, then cut them off and know that it was what was necessary for you to keep your sanity.

But if you can open your heart, know that they will make mistakes (even now) and be willing to rebuild the relationship from the beginning, I think you will find that life is easier and happier in the long run.

It is your decision to make.

Answer 4

Well you are right the past cannot be changed however your are still there. The info reads my grandma was my savior and I gave my parents a hard time...it must of been pretty hard because you ended up at grandmas. With the present attitude of making the decision to not own the past behavior - only when it's convenient- I really wish you luck because as you can see time does not heal all pain only when it comes to death and please consider that any of us could go today.

In order to get the past behind you things have to occur - what are they because out of all fairness we on yahoo were not there.

Answer 5

You don't have to force yourself to have a parent/child relationship with them, but you do need to let go of the hurt and anger that you still carry. If you continue to carry this hurt and anger you will be discounting all the love your grandma gave you (hurt and anger grow and can take over the good aspects of your life if not let go). Your grandma gave you plenty of love and you need to hang onto that for the rest of your life. Make a list of all the times your parents let you down or really hurt you on a piece of paper, next place that piece of paper in an ashtray or other fire resistant object and light it on fire. As the paper turns to ash and the smoke rises to the sky let your anger and hurt go with it, you will feel like a new person. And you can chant, I turned out okay, I am a good person, I love myself. Then call your parents and tell them that although they weren't there for you when you needed them most if they wish to have a relationship it will have to be on your terms. Maybe a lunch date at a local restaurant or dinner, but not over each other's houses where you would feel out of place and uncomfortable. Maybe over time the relationship will mend on its own or grow stronger (maybe your parents were going through some issues of their own and didn't know how to handle your situation and their own at the same time - parents are human you know and we have our own failings and do make mistakes). Good luck to you and God's Blessings.

Answer 6

u need to forgive & forget. 1st thing to do is tell them how they made u feel- let it all out & give them another try whatever punisgment they used on u they probabkly thought was appropiate 4 what u did. They're ur parents after all. It will take time but- it will be better. Good luck & keep me posted on what u decide 2 do.

Answer 7

My advice for you is, that no matter what u think, they would still be your parents, and what they did when u were 14, is what made u a successful human being now, if they didnt do what they did you would have probably been some useless no one now, be reasonable, and i am sure u know better,one day when u become a mother u would understand what they did and why they did it. Good luck.

Answer 8

Honeslty, it sounds like the only way to purge yourself of these bad memories and feelings is to rebuild a relationship with them.

Do it slowly. Do it on your terms. This way you know they are committed to rebuilding what was destroyed.

Answer 9

Where in this picture is God, in your life. I hate to tell you this, but at the end you will only have family, their to help you. Forgive them, we ALL make mistakes.

Answer 10

Give them a second chance. If they ruin it this time cut your losses.