My disrespectful attitude is hurting my relationship! Help!?

Question

I have had very bad anger and depression problems since I was little.I have been to counseling for 7 years now and feel like I have made little progress. I'm married now and my husband is the most caring respectful man I have ever known. He is the only one that listens and helps me. I'm a very nice person as well. Always helping family and friends. People come to me for advice and to be heard. But I noticed that when I get very stressed out I lash out at the first person who listens to me. And thats usually my husband. I feel like I'm not myself. I try to stop it and I have prayed many times for Gods help and I still continue to make the same mistake. I yell when I argue. I hit things, not him. I hurt myself and I put myself down all the time. I feel like I'm going to lose him. Something I know I will not be able to handle. While this rage is going on inside of me, in my mind I'm thinking I have to stop I dont want to be like this but I continue to be the same way. What could this be?

Answer 1

It could be that you have no idea how to handle your stress and anger in a healthy way. I would suggest continue counseling, or switch to a different counselor that might help you work through some problems. The thing is that you need to start being aware of your behavior in these states (which it sounds like you are starting to do), then gradually change your behavior. I have had to do this myself, although all my anger was turned inward and it took me a few years to finally be able to express it in a healthy way, although I still struggle. You can enlist your husband to help you with this, like I enlisted mine. Have a plan ahead of time so when an outburst comes, you'll both be prepared. Have him talk you through it, suggest things you can do and encourage you to make better choices. He needs to stay strong because you are going to fight this, even though you know it will be for the best in the long run. When I struggle now and I feel in a rage it is like pulling teeth to get me to express my anger in a healthy way, and my husband has to coach me through it. Find things that help you feel better, like exercising to relieve the stress (this really works for me!) or whatever you think will help. Don't be afraid to try different things, it might take a while before you find one that works, but then you have to stick with using it. I made 90% of my progress on my own with the help of my husband, the other 10% was help from my therapist; I believe that my motivation to change (and not lose my husband!) really helped me become healthier, although it is still hard from time to time.

Answer 2

This is a dark place in your life where light must come into to clear things up for you. It is written: I am the light if any man follows me they will not stumble and they will obtain eternal life. The good thing is how you are aware of your situation, but the mere knowledge of it is just the 1st step you must understand that you are devided within yourself, and that struggle is painfull you want to do right but you find yourself doing just the opposite, all you need to do is to reflect on your stress a little more understand it, look at it and change the outcome because your circumstances are dictating how you should behave but rather you being relaxed & collective your judgment is more clear perhaps sleep has left you, that might be a problem as well so do something about your sleep pray for sleep perhaps you have issues with resentment whatever your issue is and I'm trying to take you to the core of the matter so that you may address it and perhaps you can move on and overcome that problem. Be well

Answer 3

I think it might be a good idea to take an anger management class. You might also consider changing your therapist. If you want to stay with that therapist, then ask for specific recommendations about your behavior and concerns, and for what might be good books for you to read.

Talk this over with your husband. He obviously sees the good in you, or he wouldn't be with you. Ask him for some specific behaviors he thinks might work. A good, deep conversation might be just the thing for both of you.

Make sure the children are somewhere else for the entire day and night. Put the phone on message, and make sure neither of you answer it. If either of you is on-call, take a day of vacation for this so you can truly have the time for both of you.

Prepare a list ahead of time about what sets you off, and other things that probably need discussion. Have him do the same thing. Make a rule that you will discuss just one point at a time. That no matter who is talking, the other person listens until the first person is done with that point. Perhaps you could make your meals ahead of time, so no time is spent on meal preparation for this day. Or, order take out.

This process can turn out to be a great way to stay connected to each other on a regular basis, say monthly. People who do this often find a deepening of their relationships with everyone.

Answer 4

Those of us who are SO often the sounding board for others, at the service of others, helping others, GIVING to others, very often lose contact with the fact that we ourselves have to vent our own crap or it just builds up within. And you know quite deeply that those who are closest to you have the strength, usually, to withstand your rage when it surfaces. It would be a superb idea to explain this concept, as long as you agree with it, to those closest to you whom you feel you have lashed out against. But find a way to express it with the message that you don't feel it's OK for you to be doing it, that you appreciate their patience and know that we all have limits, and that you are seeking ways to diffuse your own personal stresses more effectively, so that when YOU feel stress, you can trust that others want to help you as well.

Many of us who help others often feel we are raised to a status where we'd not dare ask for help ourselves, because then we will be less trusted for advice. There is a very gratifying and deeply loving feeling to answering the holy call to be of service to your fellow man, but understand that like many "highs", it can be very addicting.

Recognize that you CAN trust a select few for your own counsel, and USE that knowledge to be effective about it.

Find a NEW therapist, especially if you haven't even heard these concepts here, because your therapist is not serving you best.

MEDITATE on what YOU want, and trust all of Creation to deliver it, and feel GOOD in knowing it!

Best to you... :)

Answer 5

What about taking a break and getting your feelings out by yourself. Not towards him or anyone but go into a room a lone and yell and hollor and screem but talk to your husband before you do this so he knows that you are trying something knew. Get it out of your system. Did you ever try this before.
I deal with this all the time and it has seemed that I have ruined one relationship that I care about and Im hoping that it doesnt ruin yours. I cant ever really find anywhere to be alone.

Answer 6

um... rhymes with
CRAZY!
but, hey, that's just a poke in the ribs
only because i've been there before, myself
(i hope you understand that humor is often the best medicine)
therapy may be your best bet
and if it's not working for you
try another counselor
keep spending time with yourself
it may sound foolish
but meditation within your own mind
can bring about a clarity that cannot be 'told' to you
if you want to make changes
i believe we are all very capable of doing so

good luck to you
i believe!

Answer 7

Anger is usually something learned and the way you react to things is something that takes time to get under control but you can do it. The moment you open your mouth or go to hit something.... stop yourself and cool down. Make yourself aware of what you are doing and rethink the situation before reacting to it. You trained yourself to lash out and you trained yourself to hit things so retrain yourself to not do them... and be patient as you relearn. I know it can be done ~ I used to have an awful temper, too, but through prayer and working it out inside myself, I was able to change. Prayer is a wonderful thing but God still expects you to do your part. Find a counselor at church and let them guide you through this. Will keep you in prayer but know you can do this.