my sister's wedding and my son with autism?

Question

Okay, One of my older sisters is getting married. She is 35 years old and I am 31. She is actually getting married in the same place that I did. My son is 7 and has autism. One day when my sister and her fiancé’ were at my parents house, I was there also. When I left the room he told my parents that it was not going to be a good idea for my son to came to their wedding. He said that he would not be invited to come and I needed to figure out what I was going to do with him. First of all I know that it is their wedding and they can invite anyone they want to. However my son is immediate family and he would be hurt by this. He would be excluded from pictures and everything. All my other nieces and nephews are invited to come. Also the way my sisters fiancé is around my son is strange. He yells at my son and acts very uncomfortable around him. My son is very affectionate and has tried to hug and kiss this guy but he acts so strange about it. I can understand to a point and have tried to understand this behavior but it is just cruel. I have to put up with a lot on a daily basis. Having a child who does not “fit into society” (I hate that kind of talk) is so hard. He will miss out on a lot of stuff that other kids will get to do. I am so upset about this and it ended causing me to get into an argument with my sister. First they lied and said that nothing like that was said to my parents, but my mom and dad are not liars. Secondly I felt like he should have came to me and said this. I am the mother. The way it was done behind my back was so disrespectful. I was there in the house. He could have had this conversation with me. I felt like that was a wimpy way of doing it. Anyway I told my sister that if my son was not invited then I was not coming. There are also other issues going on with my sister as well that I have no room to put in here. Anyway she sent me hateful e-mails cussing me out and calling me names. My whole family says that I need to patch things up with her but I feel like I need to stand up for my son. He does not deserve this. Should I stick to my guns and not go to her wedding

Thanks to all of you for your answers. Most of you understand what I am going through. The worst part about all of this is that I don't want my son's feelings hurt. I do not even want to tell him any of this. He is my son and I love him so much. I love my sister to but I have got to stand up for my son. If I don't no one else will. I am accountable for that. I hope when she has her own children one day that she will understand what she did here. I have not bad talked my sister or done anything to harm her wedding. I am trying to be as peacful as I can about it but I have also got to do what is right for my precious son.

Answer 1

Not knowing your other issues with your sister I can only help with what you have relayed. So........most likely the reason your future brother in law is acting the way he is , is because of ignorance. He doesn't know much about autism and therefore it is scary or weird to him. Alot of people faced with something scary or weird get defensive and very weird themselves. One thing you can do is lovingly and kindly help him understand the disease. Find some good websites, books or magazines for him. If your son likes the zoo or park have him (brother in law) go with your family and see your son in his element. It may take a bit of time and coaching but you're going to have to come up with a way they can get along as he will be part of the family. Ok, now to the wedding part.... If you don't go to your sisters wedding, I'm afraid 5 or 10 years from now, you will be upset that you missed her day and it will probably cause a huge rift between you forever. However, if you do not stand up for your son, you will feel guitly forever and possibly lose his respect and possibly your friends or even family. I know a bit about children as I work with children with mild degrees of autism. If your son is relatively calm and doesn't have random outbursts maybe you could come up with a compromise.Why don't you try this. Have your son be at the ceremony(as long as he is quiet) have him stay long enough to be in the pictures, then have a sitter take him out to eat (or order in) and watch a movie or something he enjoys doing. Regardless of the autism a 7 year old boy gets very bored very quickly during the reception. This is the time that your sister & hubby will notice him if he gets cranky....they will be very self absorbed during the ceremony. It will also allow you to feel free to mingle with guest and enjoy your sisters day with out being nervous over your son. I did this at my own sisters wedding. My son remembers the fancy wedding and that he got to see "Lion King" in a hotel! I hope things work out for you.

Answer 2

I prob would do the same thing. The issue of your son should have never come up. Best is to talk to her. Explain to her that she can talk to about anything. And if there was or wasn't a problem with you son, I would have liked to hear it from you. And that it hurts me too what is going on and I would like to enjoy this special time. And ask if she has anything to say. And then you and your son will gladly accept your invitation and everything else that's gone on is now sqashed. If she already know how u feel, then there is not much you can do. Yes, you should stick to your guns. They want you, they also want ur son, no way around it. I've had relatives who tried to exclude my nieces and we just showed up anyways. If they want us to come, the nieces come with us. It's a family package. Good luck!
Ps. sounds liek the fiance is a jerk!

Answer 3

You are right, your son does not deserve this. Do not put him in the middle with all the fighting. You are forcing him to be someplace he is not wanted. You love him, and is he really going to know that he will not be in the wedding pictures? Your sister's wedding is being ruined because of yours, and her fiance's refusal to be able to be the better person here. If he is uncomfortable being around your son, you cannot force him to want to be around your son. He is already yelling at him. What next? Hitting him? Do not put your son in the middle by trying to force your point across of accepting your son. Either have someone to take care of him that day and go yourself so your sister will know you love her and wish her the best. Or, stay home with your son who will not really know any difference, and let your sister down. You love your son, and I know this will be a hard decision. But he deserves your protection from situations and people like this. Too da mn bad if you sister and her fiance's should be blessed with a child with autism. Hugs to you and your son.

Answer 4

Her fiancee sounds like a horse's ***. If she's making the choice to marry someone who doesn't respect her family, and if your son is the only child not invited, I would ask myself this: would it be more painful to go and have to answer the questions from your son, or not go and answer the questions from your sister?

The fact that he's so affectionate sounds like he's very high-functioning on the autism spectrum, which is really good. Even though it must be so difficult to face these decisions, it really is a blessing that he is so affectionate, since so many children with autism can't even comprehend the idea of affection. Good luck to you and your son.

Answer 5

First off, you need to put an immediate stop to your sister's fiance yelling at your son for ANY reason. Who does he think he is? Someone needs to put him in his place, and if your sister won't do it, then that someone is you. It sounds like your future brother-in-law is uncomfortable and does not know how to behave around your son. Perhaps you and other family members can help him with this (it's not an uncommon issue).

Secondly, there is far too much gossip and innuendo going on in your family. This is not 2nd grade. It is time to start dealing with these issues out in the open and as adults unless nasty emails, back-stabbing, and lying is how your family wants to continue as a family unit.

Perhaps your sister and her husband, or perhaps your parents, feel your son will be bored at the wedding (what young child wouldn't), and think he might "act out." How about compromising and allowing him to attend the reception afterwards if there is one? Then he can enjoy himself without becoming bored and you can leave when he is ready, without causing any commotion.

God bless your son and your family.

Answer 6

Think this through before you make any decision. It sounds as though your sister is about to marry a manipulative man and doesn't care because she feels time is running out. She has chosen him over you. She likely would choose him over any family member. She's wrong, but really doesn't care.

This is a very important decision. It is one that might create tension among other family members, but that is not a reason to give in. It appears there is more than one reason to not support your sister in this marriage. If you decide you do not support her that is more than enough reason not to attend. Don’t let anyone guilt you into “doing it their way.”

To exclude one child among many is inconsiderate. I’m sure you would be attentive to keep your child from being disruptive just as all parents should. But in the long term, not being in the pictures is not a good reason to want to go.

Another thing to ponder is why your parents did not insist they speak directly to you. Make peace with your decision and don’t allow yourself to be coerced. Then decide to be cordial to everyone and not make waves when family functions come along. You can choose your friends but not your family. What you can choose is how to react to any situation.

Answer 7

first off if she is family, thats her nephew she should of not asked u 2 not bring ur son. I think that was wrong of her entirely. I would try and talk to her. MAybe go out 2 lunch with her one day and just sit down without any of the other family there just u and her, and talk about it. Tell her how u feel. Basically tell her what u asked all of us in the question that u posted. And go from there. If she still says she doesn't want him there then i wouldn't go myself personally.

Answer 8

Your sister is being very selfish. If my child had autism and he was purposefully left out, then I would not attend, sister or not. Her behavior is unacceptable and should not be tolerated. It should be up to you if you want him to attend or if you think he would be bored. I would just plan something special for the two of you and go see a movie during the wedding. You have to stick up for your son, because you are his mother. She will learn when she has children of her own, unless she chooses not to have any.

Answer 9

Its a tough call.

Firstly, at least in this situation, you need not reciprocate hateful feelings to your sister. Very respectfully decline the invitation and, in brief, give your reasons. You are not standing up for your son, but standing by him.

Hopefully she will take a big step on her own part and try to accomodate your son, who is also her nephew. If not, you will never regret your decision.

Answer 10

I would put it simply - if they are inviting the other nieces and nephews, your son must also be invited. Period. It has to be fair across the board and you are justified in your anger. But you also have to be the big person here...don't participate in name calling and screaming matches. It sounds as if your son is wonderful and if your sister can't set her fiance straight now, she's in for it in their marriage. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds like she's marrying a biased pig.