a smoking in-law problem?

Question

i live with my inlaws currently, and will do until my baby's 3 months old so i'll have support 24/7 as babys dad left me. ANYWAY, the problem is my father in law smokes. ALOT. me and my mother in law hav spoke to him about what he'll do when Lilly's here, but he thinks he'll b fine to smoke in the house still. his arguement was "i only smoke rollies, they're fine" which...well aware they're not!! anyway, i was wondering if anyone had any tips on how we can get him to smoke outside? or in a room with a closed door like the conservtory? he's been smoking since he was about 11 and he's now 58, theres no chance he'l stop.


and b4 any wise @rse says move out, i NEED the support they're giving me badly! i hav pre natel depression now and i've been told will change to post natel depression

Answer 1

Oh my god!! That Sylvia who answers your question!! IS She selfish for wanting to protect her child from smoke????. What plannet are you on!!! Yes its his home and it doesnt take much to pop outside to have a ***, and at the same time keep a newborn babys lungs pure!! Its only for a few months. NO you tell him girl, he should understand that your not being ungrateful, just protecting your child from his discusting habit!!!!

Answer 2

Personally I can't stand smoking and anyone that takes it up especially around kids needs there head examined, however....

1. He has smoked many years
2. He is probably thinking it didn't harm my kids so what's the problem.
3. It is his house.

In his eyes all is OK. To give up smoking needs real willpower and you don't tend to get that just because someone tells you to.

My suggestion would be to explain (as I guess you have) the dangers to him and even go as far as making him aware that if he insists on smoking in the house then you will have to keep baby apart from him. Ask the midwife if she can have a word. She has most likel;y come across this problem, many times and might have a way with words.

But do ask yourself ify you really need to be living here. I know you need the help but if you got a place of your own could not you mum in law come to you? Put the suggestion to FIL and maybe the thought of not having baby around might be enough to get him to agree to at least smoke outside.

Don't assume you will have PND after. Hormnone changes at birth can often make a big difference. And even if it continues you WILL get support.

You say you only need the support for 3 months? Not sure why but ask yourself if coping for 3 months on your own (not that you would be) would be a much better risk than the lifetime health of your child. Even now your baby is at risk.

If you do feel your only option is to stay though then just hope that the sight of his little grandchild and their delicate lungs will persuade your father in law otherwise.

Just the one fact from the article below scares me....maybe you can print it off and pass it on.

A baby who is exposed to the smoke of 20 or more cigarettes a day is eight times more likely to be a victim of cot death.


All the best to you both.

Answer 3

He should not be so stubborn about it. I know and understand that quitting is not an option, but he should consider stepping out onto the porch. I was a smoker (still am, but not as heavy) who had a child. She was healthy and still is, even at 3 yrs old. But I never smoked in the house and I washed my hands afterwards. I do not smoke in my car when she is in there, and I have actually gotten offended at people who dragged their kids to smoking areas to light up (while I move away from the kids as far as I can to ensure my smoke is not in their breathing space). Grandpa should be considerate of the grandbaby. But at the same time, I kind of understand it from another point. They are nice enough to let you stay in their home......I guess I do not really know what to say since I know both sides of the fence, honey.

Answer 4

I don't envy you this one. I was lucky. When we first married, my husbands parents both smoked and when they came over to visit us, I banished them to the garden, so I'd already established ground rules. (I've never smoked and refused to put up with anyone else's smoke - which didn't go down a bundle back then I'll tell you!!!) Anyway, five years later, by the time my boys were born, they simply gave up smoking because I refused to take my twins into a smoke filled environment. They could come to us and smoke outside, but I refused to take them there. Like I said, I was very lucky.

You have a dreadful problem because you NEED the housing and will be living under their roof. I would try and get the mother-in-law on your side and get her to twist his arm about smoking only outside. A lot of gentle niggles, rather than a huge row.

If it doesn't work and he continues to smoke, you could:

1. Ban him from the room when the baby is around and try to establish a couple of rooms around the same area where he simply isn't allowed to smoke.
Or,

2. If he refuses to go outside try giving him a room (just one) which is his smoking area (hasn't he got a garden shed?) and try to keep the door firmly closed.

It never ceases to amaze me how selfish smokers are! And this is for his grandchild's health .... Unbelievable.

I wish you every success, I really do.

Answer 5

Why would you leave your child with a woman who uses drugs? What do you think her reaction time is going to be when something is wrong? Pot doesn't make you a good person to take care of children. It makes you stupid and high. It is also illegal. Should someone turn her in to CPS, she will be tested and she will lose her children until she can complete a drug program and they will test her regularly after that. If your brain is not clear, you do not make good decisions. And your parenting sucks. If you are not going to do the right thing and turn her in, at least protect your own child and stop sending your child over there. Would you allow your husband to hand off your child to a stranger who is stoned? I highly doubt it. Your job is to protect your child. If your husband places your child in danger, you need to protect that child. Even at the cost of your marriage. Your child is innocent and helpless. Your husband is not. Your obligation is first to that innocent child.

Answer 6

When the baby is born, or maybe even before, get him to the pediatrician with the baby, and ask that the pediatrician explain to him just how dangerous second-hand smoke can be for a child.

It is one of the risk factors for SIDS, it can cause or worsen asthma and allergies, and second-hand smoke can cause lung cancer and other smoking-related illnesses.

If not the pediatrician, ask that your father-in-law discuss the risks of smoking indoors with an infant with his own physician.

Answer 7

i think that talking him to him about it is pretty much the only thing that you can do.
youre stuck between a rock and a hard place, because its not your house, its his.
you can encourage him to stay in one side of the house, and have the baby in another...but even then the smoke will travel through air vents, etc.
just do the best with what you have
and im sure your baby will be fine!

Answer 8

Oh boy, tough one. I guess your best course of action might just be to let him know how important this issue is to you, and that since its only for 3 months you'd be sooo appreciative if he would alter his behavior. Don't try to convince him on the health issues, its not going to work.

Try to find a neutral time to bring it up to him when there are few interruptions and he's not smoking. Play the "nervous first time mother" card if you have to (i.e. "Maybe I'm just being overly paranoid, but it would mean so much to me as a first time mom to not have anyone smoking directly around the baby").

Good luck, your lucky to have them supporting you, even if circumstances aren't 100% ideal.

Answer 9

Get him to come with you to one of your ante natal visits, bring your mum in law too; and arrange for the any of the nursing staff or medical staff to have general chat about confining his smoking to one room. I guess it is his house, and in theory, he can do what he likes; but if he is not willing to make any compromises, you may have to insist on having one room of the house completely smoke-free for the baby.

My daughter had the same problem; she had to live with her in-laws for a few months until their own house was ready, and her father-in-law smokes; and also did not see what harm he could be doing to anyone "I've smoked all me life, it hasn't hurt me". In the end, his wife insisted on him confining his smoking to one room of the house; she bought him his own telly, and he sits in the kitchen and smokes; and the baby was well away from it.

You are so right though, because ALL smoking is harmful; it is not fair to a tiny baby to have her lungs try to cope with all those toxins in cigarettes. Get your father-in-law involved in the baby preparations, make him feel important. The other thing is, he might listen to one of his own friends before anyone else. Can you get any of his mates onside?

I think you might succeed though, if you and your mum in law keep pushing the message home. Best of luck!

Answer 10

I am afraid you will need to be tough with him on this one. Both you and your mum in law will need to lay down the law about his smoking.

Maybe make the conservatory (temporarily) into a room he will really want to spend time in. Put a tv in there and a couple of 'boy things' and then he wont moan about spending time in there.

Good luck xx your in laws sound lovely and supportive (unlike your bum of an ex) and I hope everything works out for you ok