For 22 years I've gone to family weddings with my partner and we've always given gifts and enjoyed ourselves.

Question

I feel lucky in that regard. Now that my state is offering civil union we're considering doing something to make it official. Now keep in mind before we even brought it up to family the family and friends have all brought it up to us, that they look forward to a good party. Now the conundrum, at the present time we are trying really hard to get a business off the ground and its killing me financially. I've been supporting him for over a year and the business in just barely maybe starting to make a profit. I was the the chief financial contributor to getting it started and no one knows that except the two of us. I'm concerned that throwing a party at this point would put me back substantially. But they keep pushing us to do it. I wanted to when it was just us, but now I'm getting really ticked off that they expect so much, and, get this, true stuff, since we've been together so long they even have it planned with no gifts. Am I'm in the twighlight zone? Gay couple, I'm 44, he's 50.

You're all just so wonderful. Thanks for confirming it's not me that is a bit off base.

Answer 1

Dude civil ceremony, wedding it's all the same thing. The couple gets to make the decisions and just like I tell every other couple - you don't hurt yourself financially just to get married. It's very rude of your family to try and plan your wedding and to decide that you don't need gifts. It was good enough for you to give to them all through the years. Personally, I would register somewhere and let people know if they ask. Don't have your big reception until you can afford it. You can have the ceremony whenever it suits you. 22 years, way to go.

Answer 2

Perhaps you should scrimp and save, then go to Hawaii where it is also legal.

Anyone who wants to come can get themselves a ticket and a room, and for the rest of them......

Well wouldn't it just be so nice if they threw you 2 an after party!

This has most likely been a really stressful year and if you plan this trip for '08 or '09 you'll be on your feet and deserving of a rest by then.

Here is a link to my website with some sample ceremonies.

http://www.churchofancientways.org/commitment.html

If you follow the link towards the end of the page there's a picture of a couple Kavita and Letticia, Kavita's family was invited but never showed up. No surprise there, yet it was a dull spot in an otherwise bright and shiny day. Although a little over zealous at least you know you are loved and accepted for who you are and for who you are not.

Answer 3

First off don't let your family push you into having this party if you don't want it. Or if you don't have the money to do it now.

If you do want to go ahead with the party what i'd suggest you do is register. Send out the invites to the part with registry cards for a few places that you've picked out some things that you would like. This way they get the hit and realize that they should get you a gift.
If you check out invitationsbydawn.com they have some invitations that you can get for really cheap and you could have them made up just like you would for a wedding. Mail them out just like a straight couple getting married would, with the registry cards all inside.

Anyone that has the least bit of etiquette will know that it's not proper to show up at a party, that you're not contributing money to fund, without a gift of some sort.

Good Luck and Congratulations!

Answer 4

I know this is SOOOOOOOO tacky, but they were tacky first darn it!!! Put those little notes you get when you register somewhere in your invites. Maybe your family will get the hint.

As for the wedding/civil union....When you are good and ready to make it official and have the whole party thing, do it. Wait until you can do it the way you want it because you most likely won't be having this kind of party again.

Good luck!

PS Next time some one makes a comment about when the two of you are going to get unionized, ask them when they are going to....have a baby, loose weight, or something else that is extremely personal. They should get the point.

Answer 5

You are not in the twilight zone, your friends and family are.

Let me see if I have this right: they expect you to throw a wedding party like a "real" wedding, but since you are a "different" type couple and have been together a while, they have made the decision not to give gifts.

Since things are rough money wise right now. I would just let everyone else know that you are not throwing any sort of party but if your friends and family want to give you two a reception you would not be against that idea.

BTW, congratulations and best wishes.

Answer 6

Sounds like you are under a lot of stress and your wedding should not be stressful. Your family and friends should understand why you cannot afford to ahve an eleobrate party right now. Just because he can't have one right now, doens't mean you won't have one later down the road when things are brighter. That no gift thing doesn'tt seem right either. Personally, I think you should get married and have a BBQ in your back yard and let EVERYONE you invite know where you are registered for gifts. That should be enough of a hint.Good luck.

Answer 7

Have any of the family weddings you and your partner have gone to been weddings of couples who lived together before they got married? And you still got them a present, right? So what if you've been together 22 years, you still can use new sheets and towels and glasses that match right? I hate it when families and friends expect that a wedding should include all the free food and booze they feel like shoveling in their faces. Weddings are about uniting a couple in love, not a huge party. Make it official for the two of you, and I vote for the BBQ party/reception if you want to do something. Congratulations.

Answer 8

Wow ... I completely understand the position you're coming from with the corporate and how a lot of a monetary dedication it quite is. you comprehend, both of you would possibly want to get a civil union to make each little thing authentic with out having a social gathering (yet!). That way both of you've some extra protections in position. as far as a social gathering, in basic terms tell your spouse and youngsters that when both of you come back to a decision to have one, they are going to be the first to understand. Kinda sucks about the presents, yet, once you do come to a decision to have a social gathering in a while at the same time as it truly is extra helpful for you financially, i might want to turn it round on them and say something like "in lieu of presents, please make a donation to our famous charity/organization". in basic terms stay centred on your relationship and your new company and something else will exercising consultation ...

Answer 9

I think you should not go to the expense of a ceremony if it is going to put a financial strain on you. You should just tell them you are not financially ready to put together a ceremony and that you want it to be nice so you've decided to wait. As far as them not intending on giving gifts that is just rudeness. I think once you decide to do the ceremony you should register somewhere and let everyone know where you have registered. Good Luck and Congrats.

Answer 10

They probably are just really wanting to show their love and support and are happy that your state will let you do it finally (Yay!) But I don't get the "no gifts" thing though - what the hell is that about? Hell, you two have waited a long time for the chance to do it - they ought to be good for a freakin toaster. Do what you can afford & want, when you want.
best of luck with the biz & ceremony