What would you do if this was your father?

Question

I could really use an outsiders perspective...
I'm having a dilemma with my real father, so if you are interested, read on, and bear with me while I give some back story.

My mom got prego with me at 18. She and my dad had been together for 4 years and were planning a wedding. Before I was even born, he left her and married the woman he had been cheating on my mom with in the navy.

Well, to make a long story short, my mom spent years trying to
convince him to at least see me, or at the very least pay child
support, but he acted like we didnt exist. He was happy with his wife who didnt want to have children.

When I turned 18, he called me out of the blue. Weird, since I had never spoken to the man in my entire life. So, we decided to try and be friends. Then I had my daughter at 19. It should have been the perfect 2nd chance for him. Since he had missed out on me, at least he could be there for my daughter. Well, every time I talked to him on the phone or something, he acted

like I was the one who should be calling him, and thats why I hadnt heard from him. Am I crazy to feel like he should be the one putting out some extra effort to get to know me? Anyhoo... I havent heard from him since december. He
left the wife who was happy with not having kids, for a woman who has
5 kids by all different dads. The irony... a man who spends much of
his life running from being a father runs out and gets himself 5
kids... Anyhooo...

I tried calling him about Brooklyn's bday in march three times. Didnt even get a return phone call, let alone a card. Its now may, still havent heard a peep from him. I'm wondering if I should just
cut all ties and let him have his life with his new family, and not waste his time calling me once a year. Trouble is, his family is really great. I love my grandparents and aunts and all. But I dont want my daughter to have this pseudo-grandpa in her life. Kinda
confused.

If you've taken the time to read this, thanks. Please

share your thoughts and what you think you would do in this situation. I think it would help to have the opinion of an un-biased outside party. Thanks

Yes, I am married to the father of my daughter and only man I have ever been with. I know that in general, girls with daddy issues end up being promiscous, but thankfully, I have a wonderful stepdad who has always loved me like his own and taught me not to settle.

David-
My mother has always stayed out of it and left us free to form whatever relationship we want to. Also, my daddy (stepfather) is a wonderful grandfather, as is my father in law. My daughter also has great grandparents, so its not like she is lacking for a grandpa. I'm concerned that him being in her life would do more harm than good.

Answer 1

I dunno what I would do if it were me. I mean feelings and family ties make things much harder to deal with.

As an outsider I would say cut the ties because it looks like he is leading your around and all that you are getting out of the relationships is hurt and pain. It seems like he is happy without you in his immediate life so I think it would be best for you and your well being (and your little girl) if you left it that way. I am glad his family is cares for you and you have them in your life. I say let him go his way. I think the relationship should be an 'acquaintance' relationship. Friendly and cordial when you see each other but nothing more.

Answer 2

Yes I Do Believe You Should Cut All Ties With Him, He Didn't Care About you And Your Mom When He Left Both Of You For Another Woman With no Kids(Tells Me Something Right There), Doesn't Even Help Support You Making It That Much Harder For Your Mother To Support You(Again Tells Me Something), Then You Make A Really Great Effort To Make Amends And Try To Get To Know Him To Have A Relationship With Him, And Your Doing All The Work And He Isn't Taking No Effort For You And Your Daughter(Again Tells Me Something), He Is Going To End Up Hurting His Grand Daughter Like He Did You If You Don't Let Him Go. Oviously He Is Uncaring And Will Waste Yours And Your Daughters Life. And It Was Funny To Me Too He Called You Out Of The Blue Pretending To Start A Relationship With You, Since You Had Been Old Enough Not To Get Child Support Money From Him. He Seems To Be A CheapScate As Well. And That Other Woman With The Five Kids From Different Men, She Probably Gets Child Support From Their Daddy's, To Where You Dad Doesn't Have To Worry About Supporting Them,(Another Thing That Tells Me Something About Him).

Answer 3

He seems like a loser, or at least terribly inconsistent. Your stepdad seems like a much better father. I suggest you go with the most supportive and normal family members for your child to know and grow up with. If your birth dad has nice relatives, there is no reason to keep them away. As your daughter grows up, just explain that he was not able to be a grandfather like you had hoped. On the other hand, it's always nice to have lots of loving family around, so cultivate relationships with all those you feel would enjoy being close and that your child would love.

Answer 4

Since he waited until you were eighteen this suggests that he had problems with your mother. Remember there are two sides to every story but you do not want to know them!

You have to view your relationship with him in isolation and not have your mother involved. That may well be the problem he has.

Just try and gently get along with you and your child and him and his wife. You may all get something from it.

Consider also that your child could get a grandfather out of it which may be invaluable.

There are real problems with linking the past with the future. Take it as it comes now and leave the past behind.

Answer 5

You didn't mention if your Daughter's Father is in the picture , I'm kind of curious . I'll check back for further details ....thanks for the added information , and glad to hear it. as for your natural Dad unfortunately some fathers fail miserably in their responsibility to raising children . sometimes at one point they try to make amends .sometimes a father can become re-associated with his adult children , but never can he gain back all that he lost , his children may even forgive him for not being there for them , but still never regain all the times they missed out . Your blessed that you had a good man as a step father and it's great that your daughter has a good father as well , those are the relationships you should nurture and cherish . As for your natural father you'll just have to let him go his own way .

Answer 6

For your peace of mind I would not bother this man who donated the sperm that created you. He apparently has his own issues and motives and is not truly interested in having a relationship with either your or your child, his grandchild. You are better off to leave him alone, enjoy the man who raised you and is acting like a Dad and Grandfather. You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

Answer 7

take care of YOU.

this situation has probably been stressful for you... and your father seems like he isn't very well grounded....

he has issues of some sort and seems to abandon people.

it's not your fault.

if it were me, i wouldn't make the effort to call him. if he calls once a year, well, then i suppose you can talk. if your daughter meets him and only sees or hears from him once a year, it's not going to ruin her life. YOU are the most important person in your daughter's life, and i'm sure you will do everything to see she has the best childhood you can provide.

that's my best answer, hon. hugz

Answer 8

This is a hard one...I just read four other responses...i'm number five...first of all read all of your responses very carefully...My personal opinion is...honestly...You opened your Heart to this man & he didn't respond the way he should of...you don''t really know him...he doesn't really know you...maybe keep in touch with his family if your close to them...but I would forget about him...he has another new life now...he doesn't care about your life....I'm sure you did just fine without him...you'll probably do better now...your lucky you have alittle girl & a nice family...All the best to you & yours...
Sea ya
Daytripper

Answer 9

Sounds like you answered your own question Honey, you and your children have wonderful parents, grandparents and extended family. He's the only one missing out, so leave him there, out...
Your married to a great guy and you sound like an awesome Mom, your kids have tons of family who love them.. They will not suffer because of his absence in their lives...
If he wants any kind of a relationship with you, well if you wish to, try...
But leave your kids out of it until you know for sure he's serious...
I wouldn't allow him to enter their lives until I knew for sure he was going to stay in their lives, that will confuse them to have "grandpa" in and then gone....
But if he's not in their lives, well as I said, no loss, they have no lack of love in their lives, nor do you...
Perhaps just tell him straight up, your in or your out, but your not half way in and not half way out....
These are your kids, your life and your decision...So make it...