For children of alcoholics: as a child, was it better to have alcoholic living with you or away?

Question

My husband gradually became a bad alcholic over the years. We've been separated 6 months & he asks to come home. I asked him to leave if he wouldn't give up drinking & he chose to leave.
Here is my question: We have a 3 1/2 yr old son who adores his daddy. My husband is very good with him, BUT can't be trusted to not drink while caring for him. I have to supervise when hubby interacts with our son.
Part of me wants to let him come home & be in my son's life, but I think this could be bad for my son. I don't want him growing up in an alcoholic home. My husband's mother was a disgusting drunk & he really resents that his father never kicked her out!
If you have an alcoholic parent, are you glad this parent lived with you (or didn't live with you) & which would have been best for you in the long run? I want to know how my son might feel about my decision to refuse to let my husband come home.
Hubby is verbally abusive to me, but not physically abusive. He's NEVER mean to our son.

I guess I should have added this part: I have been in Alanon for 6 months and I have a family therapist I see every week. These are very helpful, but I wanted to know how adult children feel looking back on their lives with alcoholics parents.
My husband left because I told him to get into AA or another program and commit to recovery or get out of the house. He said he isn't an alcoholic, won't go into a program and he left.
I don't really want him back after all I've been through, but I will work through this if it will be best for my son.

Answer 1

hi hon... sometimes you need to think of it this way ....

"what is best for ME?"

consider YOU. if you are living in an alcoholic home (quite a miserable and destructive way of life) are you going to be content or happy?

if your husband chooses to go to rehab, get sober and stay that way, then you might want to reconsider.

i think you will find very sound and reasonable advice through Alanon meetings. Alanon is a support group for those who have been affected by alcoholism -- either a family member or friend...

i've posted a link to get you started.

take care of YOU... sometimes we need to do what is best, healthiest and safest for ourselves.

Answer 2

My concern is for what you are not saying: what is it that Alanon has shown you?
I'd prefer, even in a bad marriage (bad right now, maybe it's won't always be bad) to have my husband in the home so I can supervise what goes on.
I assume your husband has a job.
If you two divorce, I'm guessing you would have to prove he is an alcoholic. He would want shared custody, for instance, and that would be times that you could NOT supervise his behavior with your son.
Think about it that way and also think about perhaps backing off of the alcholic/non-alcoholic debate you have with him and perhaps persuade him to go to marital counseling with you. Then perhaps the alcohol issue could be handled with a therpist's guiding hand, not in an argumentative way.

Answer 3

No, if he is definitely not a threat and no cause for concern. Although I wouldn't want a child living with an alcoholic father, I would not take them away from a perfectly nice mother and a harmless father who drinks if he did not hurt them. I have a grandfather who drinks and is perfectly nice when he is not drinking, and never hurts us or gets at all violent when he does (in fact, he has always stayed away from his kids/grankids when he does, I would never see him drunk and never have to.) My mother and aunt are well-adjusted, successful women who have the highest regard of him. If he does become a threat however, then the services have full reason to. Best wishes, best hopes for a peaceful and well-adjusted family.

Answer 4

Sorry,but its not in yours-or your sons best interest to let his daddy back into your home,its known as "Tough love" YOU have to be tough- for ALL your sakes,it is never good for a child to live with alcohol abuse,nor is it safe-for you,or your son,and children need to be in a safe,secure ,loving environment-which at the moment-your husband Cant supply. Please don't feel guilty- none of it is your doing- he made a wrong choice "Booze" ,and until he realizes this himself- lam afraid you can not help him. Carry on letting your son have "supervised contact" but at the moment-he can not be entrusted with your sons precious life,Alcoholism is an illness, but until he realizes this,and gets the help he needs,your sons life,health, and well being-are entrusted to you,so you must choose what is best for him. L wish your husband love and Gods help, mean while, you carry on-you are doing a great job- believe in yourself and God will help you too. l wish you all love and happiness-and a settled future. x x x

Answer 5

I don't think there's a winning situation for this but I think it's better for the alcoholic to be out of the home. My parents divorced when I was 10 and we went to live with my mom. I guess my mother had had drinking problems all her life but it became really bad after the divorce. She would drink a lot and take prescription pills. She was a nurse and got fired over missing pills. She would do crazy things like call my dad drunk and threaten to kidnap us and take us to Florida so he'd come and take us out of school. She'd pass out on the couch and we couldn't wake her up. I'd ask her something, get permission, then get in trouble because she didn't remember me asking. She used to take us out to bars to pick up men to bring back home. She told us lies that my father would beat her and didn't want to see us when she really was just not taking us to see him when she was supposed to. I went from an outgoing child in the gifted and talented program to a child who sat in her room all day crying and eating all day and failing fifth grade. It makes me angry to think of what I might have done with my life if my childhood wasn't so interrupted.
That being said when I was 12 she called up my dad, told him to come and pick us up and she didn't want custody anymore. I saw her once when I was 13 and the last time I talked to her I was 14 and my parents had made me call her because I was so sullen and angry. I alternatly hate her and am grateful that she left my life. I don't think she did it for her kids; I think she did it so she could hide and not have to pay child support.
The lasting effects are that until about a year ago, I couldn't have a normal relationship. I let people walk all over me because I felt there was something wrong with me (my mother left me and that was my proof!). I couldn't get close to my fiancee until about a year ago because I hate feeling vulnerable and we actually broke up over it for a while. I have been to therapists. I went to one when I was 11 and told her whatever she wanted so she'd leave me alone. I never think I'm worth anything.
I think you should make sure that your husband has no contact alone with your son until he stops drinking. It changes you as a person to go through that.
Sorry this is so long. Hope this helps. I'm 24 now BTW.

Edit: Be careful. My mother had me sign stuff when I was 11 so she could steal money from my bank account. She also used child support money to go out with friends and buy new clothes for herself while my brothers and I didn't have coats, hats, or gloves in Buffalo winter. She was a really good mom when I was younger. She and I were friends and we'd go shopping and hang out together. Just be careful with your son. Do you want your son growing up thinking it's ok to disrespect you and other women? How do you know he isn't abusing your son? I'd get a lawyer to help make sure your husband has supervised visits. Keep lists of dates and times that your husband is abusive to you and drunk. It sucks to have to be that way but it'll be better in the end.

Answer 6

He has to go to AA and help himself. I came from an alcoholic family and believe me, my father was never violent with us but seeing him be verbally abusive to my mom is just as much as if he did it to me. There are emotional scars from that. As does my mom. Scars from verbal are much more painful than physical ones. Wounds heal but you don't forget. And when you think ur son doesn't see it, trust me, he can feel the tension or hear it. I didn't hate my mom for asking my father to get help. I was actually very proud of my mom. Tell him to get help. If he gets the help now, ur son can have happier memories w/o thinking his dad had been drinking beforehand. Do it for him and yourself. Good luck!

Answer 7

He may not abuse your son in front of you but it may still be occurring. Drunks are not capable of prejudging their words. Tell him once he has 90 meetings and 90 days you and he can discuss the possibility. He has to be sober for all your sakes. He may not "mean to be mean" but drinking is only his camouflage, you need family counseling and that can only occur if he is sober. Your son loves his dad because he is the dad - that can change in a heartbeat though as he gets older and sees his dad being cruel to his mom. IF your husband is ready to get better he needs to first get sober then you all need family help. Good Luck!

Answer 8

Children learn by example so good luck