Is it bad that it's gotten to the point that I repulse myself?

Question

See, I haven't been right since I broke up with my boyfriend. I can't stand to look at myself, I pick at my weaknesses, call myself ugly, I think I'm fat. And I mean, people say I'm not. They actually say I'm pretty but I can't believe them. I need help, how do I fix this?

And I deprive myself of good things, people, candy, food, even going to the bathroom. Am I insane? I cut too, I'm not a poser, and not whining, but I need to know if somethings wrong with me...

I didn't like myself when I was with him. But it's been seven months and I find my self gross, I wanna puke when i look at a pic. of me. Most of my photos, I have on a hood and I'm looking away.

Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 22.7, placing the BMI-for-age at the 85th percentile for girls aged 13 years 1 month. This teen is at risk of becoming overweight.

...see I am fat....

Answer 1

I am so sorry you are going through this. From what you've said, you seem very depressed, and that is a remendously difficult situation with which to cope.

You didn't like yourself when you were with your boyfriend, you said, but I am guessing now, you find it unbearable to be without him? If so, then this has nothing to do with him. Did he make you feel inadequate, perhaps?

I am sure you are not inadequate, but when we are made to feel that way by someone we love and trust, we sometimes begin to believe it is true. I wonder if there were times that you liked yourself when you were with him, where he praised you for something, and you evaluated your own self-worth by his assessment of it. If that is the case, then it must be really hard to be without him, because your concept of who you are isn't being supported by the notions of another person anymore; you probably feel very lost (and understandably so).

The cutting, the deprivation from pleasure (and even basic needs like eating and using the bathroom), are your own coping methods for dealing with this. When you are exhibiting these behaviors, you are demonstrating extreme control- control which, perhaps, you don't know how to exert over your emotions, which is the real goal, in this case.

Carrying out these actions most likely brings you a sense of relief, but probably not one that is long-lasting, because you aren't addressing the problem. To remedy this (as per your request), I would recommend the following:

1. Place these feelings of frustration and anger over having lost control into something worthwhile and productive: if you are still in school, put your energy into achieving high marks; if you have a job, try giving your all toward being a stand-out employee; volunteer within your community (I know you are dealing with some very painful and difficult feelings right now, but it might really help you to give of yourself to others who are also truly struggling and need you).

2. Seek healthy means of control- stop holding it in when you need to go to the bathroom, please (you could end up with a horrible kidney and/or bladder infection), and please, please stop cutting yourself (I know you know this, but it's just so dangerous, and your life is much more precious than that momentary comfort cutting brings); look at your diet, and then decide what foods you could introduce or omit that would make your body (thus, the rest of you) feel and function optimally. Along these lines, establishing an exercise schedule might help you gain a healthy sense of control over your body.

3. I want you to really look at yourself. Even if everything is a mess, there is still at least an ounce of who you really are left inside of you (or else you wouldn't be concerned enough to ask for advice/help). Use that little remaining piece of yourself to build yourself back up- don't look in the mirror and think "so and so would think I look ugly/fat/etc."; look in the mirror and find one, single quality about yourself that you like. I am sure if you can do this, you can find two, three, four, and so on parts of you that you are happy with.

4. It's ok for you to want to be alone right now, and to just spend some time with yourself. In fact, it's almost necessary. You relied on someone else to define who you were and how you felt about yourself, and now, it's time to get that back! Let's stop picking at your weaknesses and really focus on your strengths. What do you enjoy doing? Whatever it may be, do it more often! It will help you regain that sense of uniqueness of yourself, and remind you that you are a capable person who won't be made to feel weak or inadequate by anyone.

You're going to come out of this, and you are going to see yourself and be very, very proud, because this is going to be a very difficult process to endure. However, you have to remember what it is worth to get through this: you're going to get yourself back, and not only will you be improved, you will be able to (I'm assuming for the first time) genuinely appreciate the person you are, because you're truly going to know just who that person is.

Please feel free to email me if you need to talk, or if you need help or just to talk about anything...I really do know how hard this can be! : )

Answer 2

Did you like yourself before just because you had a boyfriend? What did you like about yourself before you had a boyfriend?

You need to find something good about yourself -- and you aren't believing other people, so don't bother asking them. Find the answer within yourself.

And if you can't find a single thing you like about yourself, then make up a profile of the Ideal Person. What would she look like? What would she do? What kind of job would she have? Would she help others?

Choose one trait of the Ideal Person, and work towards making yourself match that image. Personally, I think volunteering must be one of the best ways of boosting self-image. You see how tough other people have it, and also you are doing a good deed by helping.

Talking to a counsellor is a good idea, too. S/he can help guide you in your search to be a better person. But don't depend on Things to make you a better person -- they can be stolen, or lost, or destroyed. And don't depend on another person to make you better -- they can leave or die, and you need to be strong enough to stand on your own.

Only you can make yourself a better person. And you CAN do it!

Answer 3

Yes dear, something is wrong. I know how you feel, unfortunately. You just have some issues you need to work through and the best way to do that is counseling, a school counselor if you don't want to involve your parents. Once you talk to someone they can help you determine whether you might want to see a doctor for meds, too. Please do something, though. No one deserves to feel like that.

Answer 4

Sounds like your mending a broken heart. Allow your self to be comforted and learn to love yourself before you allow yourself to become involved with someone else. The right person will love you for that.

Answer 5

there is no man out the to make you go though what you are going through. get over him! how tall are you and how much do you weigh medically I probibly will be able to prove to you that you are not fat!

Answer 6

you should talk to your doctor i am not one so i can not diagnose you but it sounds like you could have BDD body dismorphic disorder google the symptoms. good luck

Answer 7

i think maybe you do..
self image issues it sounds like?

you should have a talk to a counsoller

goodluck and i hope you get better soon! =]