My friend is cutting herself..?

Question

I know that i need to talk to her, let her know that im there and am worried about her..
would it be wrong to talk to her about it over the internet or phone? its difficult to get together because she goes to a different school now.

she's also taken up smoking pot and cigarettes. i dont think i'll be able to stop that..but i feel like i need to do something about the cutting. her mom knows, and i think im going to talk to her mom about getting her counseling. her life has been really tough this past year, and she needs help.
i just feel so overwhelmed right now because i just found out about this a few hours ago. i was stunned. i havent seen her in a while, but we do talk.

so would it be wrong to talk with her over the internet or phone? i just need to know if it would be inappropriate.

Answer 1

First off, major kudos on your reaction, especially this early on in the game. I myself am a cutter, and believe me, my friends have never acted the way you are acting now, so I just want to say major, major kudos for wanting to help your friend and actually taking steps to help her (you'd be suprised how many ppl just get mad or ignore it and act like nothing is going on).

Now, I personally don't think it is wrong or inappropriate to talk about it over the phone or internet. I myself find it much easier to express myself in a way that is less personal that face to face, so these ways of communication could be very essential. I would suggest that you use the phone over the internet though, as it allows you to pick up on cues you might miss on the net, and it is not as confrontational as face to face but more than on the net.

But when you are going into this, don't keep yourself in the idea that you can take on all of this yourself, or that you will be able to just come in and everything will clear up. I'm not trying to discourage you or make you upset, you just need to be careful, because if you come in thinking that you will be able to save her and things will be smooth from now on, you will be sorely dissapointed. You don't want this because of course, you don't want to end up feeling like you failed, but also because if you did start that way you might start to withdraw from helping your friend, if that situation starts to represent your percieved inability to help your friend. I'm sorry, did that make sense? I'm just saying, approach this situation realisticly, and realize that it will not be easy for any party involved, and it will not be instantaneous. If you want to help your friend, it will not be over night, it will take alot of time and work. And you have to be prepared for what your friend might do or say, she is likely very emotionally confused and in great turmoil, and she might lash out at you, so you need to prepared and not take it to personally. Counseling is a great idea though, I personally am in counseling now and I defintely suggest it. Your friend may very well resent this or fight this for a while, but she will thank you later.

When you are helping your friend there are some things you shouldn't do. One is belittling or invalidating her feelings, something that you feel is insignificant or not that big of a deal may be a huge deal to her, and if she feels you don't care or don't understand, she may withdraw more. Don't take away the items she uses to hurt herself, she will just find other ways, and those ways could actually be way worse (for example, if you take away a pair of scissors from her, she may turn to a rusty pair, which is way more dangerous). I would suggest that you look at her wounds if possible, but don't force her to, just ask her, if she is willing to show then that's good, but likely (especially at first) she will be to ashamed or scared, etc... If you do get to see her wounds you should evaluate them to see how serious her wounds are, if they seem life threatening you should report it. If you see her wounds don't seem suprised, try not to like disgusted or scared or anything. But don't just look at them and act like they are nothing either. You have to be very careful. Since you are probably new to this sort of thing, I would suggest that you go to recoveryourlife.com it has info for loved ones of a self harmer, and can help you help your friend. I also suggest that you check out or buy a copy of a book called Cutting (pretty straight forward). It contains alot of info so you can better understand cutting and how you can help your friend. You should give these two things a try. If you have any questions or anything, email me at [e-mail]. Hope things work out for you and your friend.

Answer 2

If it's your only option the phone would be best. Just know that unless she is doing it for attention she will probably dismiss it and act like everything is okay. You should remember that if they don't want help there is really nothing you can do because they think that it isn't a big deal. If she is cutting herself you could call a hospital or rehab center and she can be involunterily administered but keep in mind that she will be very pissed and you will most likely lose her as a friend. If she goes to a psychologist and she makes comments about cutting herself and how she doesn't see the point of life or anything to that effect they will recommend that she is immediately put into a psychiatic unit. So be careful but make sure she knows you are there to talk if she needs you but don't judge her or lecture her; that will just make things worse. (I come from experience in both matters)

Answer 3

Honestly? The phone would be the better choice, but finding a way to see her in person would be best. It's a very delicate situation. Suggesting therapy is a wonderful thing, but your friend has to want it. Otherwise it doesn't work. Tell her you care about her no matter what, that you are there for her. Never judge, she's already judging herself.

It's okay to feel overwhelmed. You have every right to be stunned, scared, or anything else. Self injury can be a scary thing. Just remember, she's the same person she always was. It's what she does, not who she is.

This is a wonderful site with lots of good info for anyone who self injures, or knows someone who does. http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

Answer 4

Okay first let me say this is coming from a person who has self destruction issues and is only 17. Be careful on what you say! I know when people tell me flat out that I need help that I tend to feel over whelmed and slightly crazy. Give her tips to stop. Don't throw on her that you think she seriously needs help. Lightly suggest it. Tips include: using an ice cube and holding it to the skin for a while. You get the stinging sensation and the red mark. Using a dull knife,such as a butter knife, it gives her the satisfaction and not the horrible bleeding and scars. Also tell her that keeping her hands busy helps. Shuffling cards, using a yo-yo, typing, and playing with bouncy balls all helped me.


yes it should be fine to talk to her over the phone or the internet.

Answer 5

Hi. Im 18 and I know a lot about cutting. The reason for this is because I used to cut myself and just recently learned to control it. I began doing this in the 7th grade. It became a way to cope for me. I was going to therapy, had my family convinced that I had stopped cutting, but was still cutting. The one thing that has made me stop is that I have a wonderful person in my life that loves me for who I am. Even the part of me that cuts. Most of the time, people cut to feel that they have some form of control of their lives. The only thing that I can tell you is to tell her that you are here for her and care about her. Most important, LISTEN to her if she needs to talk. I wont tell you that cutting is an easy thing to stop doing because the urge is going to be there all of the time. Hopefuly she will learn to control it. I hope that this has been at least a little helpful and I wish you both the best of luck.

Answer 6

Your friend could be experiencing stress or depending on her company of friends, probably peer pressure. Its not exactly wrong to talk to her over the internet or phone, but i guess if you're looking for an effective way, it'll be good to talk to her in person. It adds that personal touch and gives people the feel that this person talking to me is truly concern.
People change during different stages of the life, be it for the better or worse. Try to talk to her and influence her in a good way. Hope she'll feel your sincerity. All the best.

Answer 7

FIrst its so nice and caring of you to worry about your friend.
Id think her mother would be the one to talk to her and i hope!!
get her to some counceling... sounds like she has some kind of chemicle imblance or severe stress problems
im told "cuttings" is a way of letting the emotional pain out.

She could get help with smoking pot & cigs with a councleor i hope she sees one soon seems shes trying hide from what ever is bothering her.
You didnt say if your friend told you about her 'cutting" or her mom.
If her Mom then id think it would be ok to talk on internet or the phone about it to her.(perhaps saying her mom told you?
But if her mom didnt and you found out by someone other than your friend.Id talke to her Mom first and take it from there.prayers for you and your friend and her mom.

Answer 8

http://search2.google.cit.nih.gov/search?q=suicidal+thoughts&site=NIMH&client=NIMH_frontend&proxystylesheet=NIMH_frontend&output=xml_no_dtd&filter=0&getfields=*&btnG.x=13&btnG.y=8

http://www.prisonersfamilieshelpline.org.uk/php/bin/readarticle.php?articlecode=9256

how old is she?
if she is a kid

Useful Resources

www.safe-alternatives.com
A Cut Above, The Practice of Self-Mutilation By Carma Haley Shoemaker http://teenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/mutilate.htm
Self-Mutilation http://wso.williams.edu/~atimofey/self_mutilation/.html
Teen Health – Cutting http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/cutting.html
If you need help dealing with any of these issues, call the Kids' Helpline for support at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1-877-KIDS-400.

Answer 9

I think it's fine to speak with her either via the phone or the Internet. Which way will it be easier for her to talk to you? I think it's better to speak with her over the phone because you can feel better about how she's feeling and she will be able to feel your care and concern better. If she has a problem with speak out about her problems, then the Internet will be a better option. Let her know that you are very concerned about her and will be there for her. She's lucky to have someone caring for her.
Good luck!

Answer 10

There is advice and many resources/links in the section on self harm at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris on page 4. You could check out this website first, then either go to and print the relevant sections, and post them to her mother, or refer your friend directly, if you are close, but it may be a good idea if you phoned her and said that you heard she had been going through a hard time, and how was she managing to cope?, then she may mention it, and you could take it from there.