Need help in how to approach explaining death to my 2 year old. My father is dying from cancer...what do I say

Question

My daughter will know something is different when she goes to my parents house and "Papa" isn't there. This is the hardest thing I've ever faced in my life. I want to honestly help her understand what has happened at the level she's at, but I do not want to overwhelm her or scare her. I'd like advice from others- have any of you had to face this before?

Answer 1

My father in law passed away almost exactly a year ago. Our son was 2.5 years old at the time. We live about 500 miles away, so we don't get down there too often, but when he went into the hospital we were there the entire time. He was in the hospital for a week before he died.

We only took our son back to the intensive care unit a couple of times, and even during those visits we didn't know that he was going to die. We were like you and didn't want to overwhelm him, so we didn't spend to much time discussing why he was in the hospital (basically a lot of he's really sick and the doctors are trying to make him better).

After he passed away we told our son that he'd gone to live with God and we wouldn't be able to see him anymore. At the funeral our son sat with my parents and really didn't know that it was much different than a regular church service. We didn't explain to him that his grandfather was in the casket.

It's been a year but its really surprising how much he still remembers. When we went to visit my mother in law last month our son remembered them having lambs in the living room (abandoned lambs to keep them warm and feed them regularly) and feeding the lambs with his grandfather. He likes to look at pictures of him, and will just tell us out of the blue that his grandpa is living with God.

I think that you will know what your daughter can handle best. It's probably best to explain being sick, but more sick than she is when she gets a cold, and that the doctors are trying very hard to make him better, but that sometimes they can't. Don't be afraid to cry with her and let her know how sad you are. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.

Answer 2

Try to keep your explanations very, very simple and don't attach his death to anything that she can personally relate to as a little child.

Don't tell her he "went to sleep" because that'll make her fearful of going to bed. Don't tell her he "got really sick" because again, if you announce you feel sick, she will fear that you will leave her, too.

Give her a simple explanation, that his body wasn't able to keep working anymore, and that he is dead. Explain that being dead means someone is gone, and we can't talk to them or see them anymore. That makes us all feel sad, but also it's not something to be afraid of because it doesn't happen all the time. If you're a person of faith, you might also mention your beliefs -- that you think you'll be together in heaven, or what is particular to your religion.

My children were older when my grandmother died. They were 5 and 7.5 years old. They have memories of her, of when she was sick with cancer, and her funeral. They were sad, but not to the same depths that I was, or my mother. The one thing that struck me later was that since we saw her quite often during her illness, and also we went to see her near the end, knowing full well it would be the last time we saw her alive, they had an amazing sense of her passing not being a scary thing. They asked my mother if their Mimi's ghost was in the bedroom where she died, and were terribly disappointed when she said no -- they really wanted to believe that a part of her was still there, and they were hoping for a friendly sort of guardian angel of a ghost. Kids just have a much different perspective than adults, so don't be surprised if it ends up that your daughter is the one comforting you instead of the other way around.

And, I am sorry for your loss, which I know you're already feeling.

Answer 3

I have a just turned three year old girl as well, and what I would tell her would depend on how much has been shared with her already about her Papa's situation. If she knows that Papa is "sick", I would sit her on your lap or on the couch and explain that Papa has a sickness named cancer. If you believe in a higher being, such as God and Heaven, I would then say to her that Papa is going to Heaven soon to be with God, but we are not sure when. Make sure she understands that Heaven is a wonderful place where Papa won't feel sick anymore. I would make it a point to mention to her that not all people who get sick go to Heaven, some do get better and stay here on Earth. I would also offer some age appropriate outlets for any emotions she may be feeling about her Papa and his sickness, such as offering to draw a picture with her to give Papa, or draw a picture of what she thinks Heaven or God looks like, or a picture of Papa in Heaven doing something he loves that right now he can't do. Teach her how to pray, if that is something you believe in, so she has that outlet to "talk" to her Papa when the time comes. Maybe she could "dictate" a letter to Papa or God to you for you to write, and you could possibly "mail" it. Is she able to see her Papa where he is now? I would definitely let her visit him...I think children can handle more than we give them credit for and children this age are very outspoken. If she is wondering about something, I am sure she would ask someone about it. Good luck with this, and my heart goes out to you.

Answer 4

Wow, a lot of long answeres. Here's mine. If she asks you questions, explain in a very simple way what is happening with grandpa. Let her absorb the information you give her. If she wants to know more, she will ask. She is 2. Things will be different when her "Papa" is gone and she may ask where he went. Like other's here have said, if you are religious, say, Papa had to go stay with Jesus because he was sick and Jesus didn't want him sick anymore. Again, she will ask more questions if she wants to know more. Kids are pretty smart and intuitive. She knows something is different now, even if she doesn't seem to understand what that something different is.

Answer 5

I am sorry to hear that. I can only hope the best for your family during this difficult time. I've never had the experience, but I have some tips.

Died means the person is not alive anymore. Their body has stopped working.
Died means they cannot talk, breathe, walk, move, eat or do any of the things that they could when they were alive.
Discuss your own beliefs and spirituality with the child. You can also share your beliefs in an afterlife — if you believe in one.
Remembering is important for children. It may be helpful to share memories and talk about the person who died.

Here are some tips that can help your child through the grieving process and help him/her deal with death appropriately:


Tell the truth. Children need competent guidance and satisfactory answers to their questions.

Be subtle and tactful in your answers. You do not need to include details that may frighten your child. The development and age of the child needs to be borne in mind.

Avoid using euphemisms and clichés when explaining death, such as the person went on a 'journey' or is 'going to be asleep forever.' Younger children may take these explanations literally and be afraid to go on a trip or journey or go to sleep themselves because they will associate those things with dying.

Express your feelings and allow your child to express her feelings so that they aren't expressed in other, unhealthy ways.

Comfort your child. Help your child deal with difficult emotions-including anger, guilt, shame, or confusion.

Answer 6

If you believe in heaven tell her he is going to heaven, you won't be able to see him anymore, but he will always be with you. Answer her questions honestly, or at least as honestly as you can with a 2 year old, and tell her if she ever wants to talk to him he'll always be there whether she can see him or not. I know this thought sucks but it can also be comforting at the same time, she is young enough that she probably won't remember him too well, if at all. Kids this age adjust pretty easily to things. After a week or two of him being gone she may not even think about it any more. Good luck and God bless. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Answer 7

I have faced this when my grandma passed away in November 2006 and that was very hard on me, I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, my 2 year old di not know much because at that age they really don't understand nut to explain it to my 6 year old was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and to even think about myself having to deal with that tragic loss but it hurts me more as a mother to have to explain it to him. It will not be easy and I send to you my sympathy's and I'm sorry to hear about what your going through, but follow your instincts and do what you think is best for your child.

Answer 8

I've very sorry to hear this. My father died as well, right around the time my oldest son, Nicky, was 3 years old. He was sick for a while and had some heart complications. My son was very attached him. Right before my father passed away I sat my son down and told him that Grandpa hasn't felt right in a very long time and that pretty soon, he might leave and go somewhere else so he could feel better. I said it simply to see how much Nick would accept and to let him think of his own questions. He then asked me "Where's Grandpa going? Will I see him again? Can I visit him?" I told him Grandpa was going to heaven and he wouldn't be able to see him for a long time, but Grandpa could see him and hear him. He could talk to him and think of him when he's sleeping and when it rains, because Grandpa will help everyone in Heaven do all kind of things. It actually helped Nick get over the fear of thunderstorms because he believed Grandpa was banging pans, bowling and playing with the light switch up in Heaven. I put a picture of my parents in his room and we started to say a bed time prayer every night so my son could tell my father everything he did that day. He was very accepting of the situation and of Heaven being a good place to go.
After I found out my father passed away, I was crying in the kitchen and Nick saw me. THAT was the biggest mistake I made, crying in front of him. He in turn began to cry just because he saw me. I know a lot of people end up crying for a while right after a death to get all their feelings out. I wouldn’t recommend letting your daughter see. This could make her upset or scared because you’re no in the “Mommy Mode” she sees everyday.
I would tell her what's happening very simply. Let her come up with her own questions and answer them to the best of your ability. Do not say things that she can do like "he went to sleep for a long time" or "he's hiding." Children her age like to be able to have analogies: wind blowing is someone breathing, thunder is someone bowling etc. It gives them a comfort feeling knowing that the lost person is still around. You’d be surprised at how they end up remembering the comparisons. Nick is now 9 and I have to other boys who are 7 and 3. In my house, Grandpa is in charge of thunderstorms and I find myself thinking of him every time it rains.
I wish you all the best. Stay strong and once again I'm very sorry about your father. We’ll keep you in mind, Best wishes =]

Answer 9

Is Religion a part of your life? If so, or if not, it may be a good time to talk to your child about God's role in our lives. Maybe explain to your daughter that Papa is sick, and that God needs him in heaven, so that he can be healthy again, and help him do his work there. Tell her that she will see him again one day, but for now, God needs Papa more. Never easy, especially at 2, but if you put it in a positive light, it may make more sense to her.

The other option of course is to just tell the truth. Tell her how sick he is. Again, may be scary for her, she may think as she grows up that everyone who is sick will die, so it's up to you to assure her as she grows up the differences between colds, and terminal illness. Again, hard to do! However, I think that you'll know what to say when the time comes, and try and remain positive.....God will never give us more than we can handle.....

Answer 10

I am very sorry that you are going through this terrible time right now.
You must remember that when you are doing, saying, experiencing anything, your daughter is a very interested and surprisingly perceptive audience. First of all, you must give yourself a big compliment for being such an insightful parent and your willingness to address this issue. Children are extremely sensitive to any emotional changes in their world so your eagerness to share with her the events taking place is an awesome step forward in maintaining your child's emotional health.
When you tell your daughter what is happening, try to make it as straight forward as possible. Don't try to describe it by using euphemisms. Telling your daughter that he is in a deep sleep that he can not be awoken from is a terrifying and inappropriate explanation for your father's imminent death. Unfortunately, this explaination given by many well intended parents can cause their child to become extremely upset when bedtime comes for themselves or others. The best approach is to 'tell it like it is'.
Explain to her that your father has lived a long time (I hope) and his body is no longer young and that with old age (time), the human body will no longer be able to function after a period of time and a person dies. Let her know that this is natural (even if it includes a disease causing his death). Let her know that you and her are fine but Grandpa's time has come. Tell her that you and Grandma and other family members will be sad sometimes and that it is okay to mourn someone that has died.Tell her that it is also important to remember the good memories and that this is how you keep Grandpa alive in your mind and heart. Let her know that it is okay to cry and feel sad. Let her know that you won't always be this sad and time will help you to feel a little better.
Remember when you do feel upset, don't try to hide your feeling from your daughter. You are beginning to set the stage for her. You have to teach her how to deal with tragedy
and expressing your feeling openningly is the best way to prepare her to deal with trauma in her life. If you try to conceal you feelings, you will be unintentionally teaching your daughter to 'bury' her feelings and we know thanks to research that this is an extremely unhealthy way to deal with emotions. Besides, children can feel/sense tension and unhappiness in the house, and it's up to you to address the upset and allow her to know what is going on - most of the time. Being open provides the grounds for a very healthy relationship of trust between you and your daughter.
God bless you at this time and I hope your father is released from his pain. Let your father know that you will be okay and this sometimes, comforts the dying so that they can pass quickly and mentally at ease. Show your daughter a positive journey (filled with whatever expressions of grief that may arise) and that it is possible to go on and find happiness again.
Good luck and know that you are a brave, caring and intelligent parent for addressing this issue so thoughtfully.