Is This Rude??

Question

My boyfriend has family in another state. They live in a beautiful waterfront (ocean) home w/ a large guest suite, a pool, hot tub, tennis court. They have been inviting us to come and visit them for about 2 years (we have been dating 3). Our stay would be completely free, we would only need to rent a car, buy our plane tickets and buy our own food at restuarants and our own souviners/activies. Any food/alcohol we consume in their home, would be their treat.

I've met these relatives once and we hit it off well. I take to them on the phone occasionally when they call. This summer we have decided to take a vacation together-our first. Due to our crazy schedules, this is the first time we have been able to do this. We are going to stay w/ these relatives.

My boyfriend isn't too organized and dates and such aren't important. He hasn't decided on a date he wants to take a vacation. However, I want him too. How can I urge him to decided on a week for us to visit.

I don't want to do it myself b/c these aren't my relatives. I feel I have no right to be planning the week we are going to be visiting them.

However, I friend of mine told me to go ahead and just make the plans, buy the tickets.

I think this is sort of rude. I've been taught that you should never invite yourself over to someone else's home. I kind of see this as a variation of that.

How do I get my bf to pick a week? And how to I do it w/ out seeming rude, ungrateful or demanding?

Answer 1

I would call them and say, I wondered if you really meant that offer, because we are thinking of planning a vacation....

If they are receptive, then do it.... you'll know by the way they act when you say it....

Answer 2

YOu need to find out why he' s dragging his feet. maybe he really does not want to go?

If he does this a lot, I would seriously reconsider this relationship. This kind of behavior will become a big problem later on . What he is saying with his behavior is that he has NO consideration for other people's time. He acts as if only HIS time is important.

Even more importantly, failing to plan ahead is going to end up costing more money. If you wait too long, flights will go up. And the more notice you have , the more likely you will be able to find better flights.

Take it from an old married lady, if this guy doesn't change his habits soon, you are in for a really miserable time if you get married.

It's not your family, it's up to him to do it. Until he does it, consider the vacation cancelled.

Answer 3

You aren't inviting yourself. For two years, they've been inviting the both of you, so to make arrangements of WHEN to take them up on a standing invitation isn't the same thing as inviting yourself.

The best situation would be if they brought it up either to you, or to the two of you, and you could say "You know, we really should take you up on that. When would be a good time?"

If you hadn't dated for long, this would be different, but I'm thinking about most couples I know who have either dated for a long time, or are married. It's pretty standard for the female to make the arrangements when actual details are required. Many guys will have the "Yeah, we should totally do that" attitude, but never take it past that. I have two sisters, and when it comes to family gatherings, we make the details, which is normal. But with my husband's family gatherings, my mother-in-law bypasses her sons completely. My sister-in-law (my husband's brother's wife) and I make the plans with my mother-in-law, because if we left it to her sons, no final decisions would ever be made. If you're to the point where at Christmas he doesn't actually know what he's giving his family and friends as gifts, or you remind him of his family and friends' birthdays and stuff, you're involved enough to make the plans.

If you're worried about the fact that you don't think it's your place, as the girlfriend instead of as a family member, to make the plans, that's one thing. But try to put out of your mind the notion that you're inviting yourself. They've been inviting you for a long time.

If the main problem is that you feel it's not your place, and that your fiance won't just pick a week, he can generally accept the standing invitation ("we were thinking it would be a good time to take you up on your offer, if you're still interested") then he can let them know that he's not really much for dates and making plans, then hand the phone over to you to discuss details.

Have fun!

Answer 4

I agree with you. He should be the one to contact his family.

I suggest that you pick 3 diffent weeks or weekends or however long your vacation will be--show him the dates and ask which of these time slots would work for him. Once he decides, have him contact his family. You're right, this is proper. Then you can start making defenite plans.

I wonder--I hope that you are each paying your own airfare.
Don't pay for his or put on your credit card.

If he still resists confirming an exact vacation time to visit his relatives, I think that maybe he is just "all talk" about this vacation and has no intentions of going on a vacation with you to see his family.

Answer 5

It sounds like they invited you. Set a date and make the plans, if you stay with this guy that'll probably be the way it gets done forever. (in my family, there are in-laws who are more like family than blood relatives)

Don't give him an ultimatum, just a future date. When the time comes, go--even if he can't. (obviously if you're still together) It sounds like a good time and he's not going to want to miss it although he wants you to take the responsibility for it.

Answer 6

i would assume you both have jobs and whatnot. just tell him you need to know in advance when he can take off so you can schedule accordingly with your workplace. Once that is settled, have him talk to his relatives. It is rude to invite yourself over even if they have already offered. Just have him ask them when is it convenient for ya'll to visit. If they say anytime, then tell your boyfriend to pick a week so you can make arrangements.
Since he is bad at making a decision, check out the area online and see if they have any interesting events happening and maybe plan around that :D
i hope i helped. enjoy your trip :D

Answer 7

Hi, Its me again. Sorry about before, I got the wrong impression. Surelly if they are your boyfriends relations you need to talk to him about your very reasonable need to book ahead for leave, and then get him to contact his relatives (who he knows a lot better than you) to politelly sound them out about a week that would suit everyones schedules. Sounds like you will have a great time.

Answer 8

Since they're your boyfriend's relatives, he should make the contact with them about the dates. Let him know how important this is to you and see if you can get him to do it while you are there.

Answer 9

You should get a week scheduled so you aren't popping in at the last minute, or they may have made plans that week.

Say "hon, see if they are busy this week **dates**, if they are good for that week we'll get tickets then"...