Is this cheating? My girlfriend claims a friend she knew from college is taking her out...?

Question

and said 'don't worry nothing would happen' without me asking. I didn't stop her. Now I feel she's slept with him and I want to dump her for that cos I can't share a girl with someone else. Is it ok for a girl to do that while she's in a relationship?

Answer 1

Just tell her something like (in a calm, composed voice tone):

"Listen, the other night when you went out with your college friend really messed with my head. Yeah, I know what you said, but I have to figure out for myself how I'm going to approach this because I'm not the type of guy who is going to let his girlfriend run out with other guys whenever they come to town."
At this point, expect her to get mad and extremely defensive for not trusting her and about having the right to go out with her friends whether they are male or female.

Don't argue back, don't start accusing her, don't raise your voice, let her say whatever she wants. But when it comes to the point where she says (and believe me, she will say this) that if your the type of guy who isn't going to let her go out with her old friends because you don't trust her or your jealous, then she doesnt' want to be with you.

This is all women's ace in the hole, which amounts to: "You either let me get my way, or you lose me."

And your reaction HAS to be:

"So go, then, because my point of view on this is never going to change. Ever."

Say it in a calm manner, without any signs that your willing to argue.

What happened here is that she played her best card, and she lost. If she is indeed serious about your relationship, she won't leave you. If she isn't serious, and wants to run around, she will indeed leave, and your better off without someone like that anyway.

If you give in and agree that you were an irrational, jealous, jerk for even thinking that she would cheat on you, you just lost all control of the relationship. And from then on, she will know that she has the dominance in the relationship.

But you will still have her, right? Wrong. Women who get dominance in a relationship typically lose interest in the guy in terms of attraction. The reason why is because women aren't attracted to men with lower social status, and by giving in, you show you have lower social status. Women are attracted to men with a higher social status than them (which is why fame, riches, and power attract), and when a woman can not dominate a man, she sees him as having higher social status.
So thats why you don't give in. Thats why you stick to your guns on your view that any girlfriends you have arent going to run around with other guys. Doing it in a calm voice shows that you mean it, and that you have control over your feelings. By getting into argument mode and starting to raise your voice when saying these things, that shows your speaking from an emotional point of view. But by being calm, it says your speaking from your own personal stance. She may believe she can manipulate your emotions, but its hard to change someone's personal stance on things.

But relationship-wise, you do need to address this somehow. If you don't at all, she will feel that she can do it at anytime. Because if you don't say anything, next time she does it and you do say something, she's going to say "Well, you were ok with it last time!"

To put up with it, or not put up with it. Its your decision.

Answer 2

Oh dear, you sound very desperate. Lets see the facts. She kissed another one. She was a bit drunk. She woke up and called you. She told you the truth. You receive the phone called and feel she cheats you. I don't know what you answered on the phone. But, she was honest. And I think if you can go along without turning this incident in a shadow that will be following you the rest of your lifes, without any bad feelings and accepting that she only want you to know the truth because she felt so guilty, well be thanks that she was really honest with you. She could remain without saying a word about what happened and you'll never know it. Just go on, tell her about your feelings and how you'll not like to feel that again, but also tell her that you appreciate very much her honesty and that is why you still love her. Good luck!

Answer 3

There is too much speculation in your subject matter. Whatever happened to simple and honest sit-down conversations with one another? If you have trust issues with your girlfriend based upon her going out with someone else, your issues are not just rising to the surface. You have doubts about her anyway. Your level of communication should have been evident whereby she could come to you, tell you about this friend and then ask how you felt about her going out - why not include you also? You have a right not to share her, but before you jump the gun, 'ask her' about her date. Then let her know that you have concerns about this. See what she says. Personally, I believe that when you are in a relationship, you do NOTHING that will compromise the foundation of that relationship and it is all in the communicating. I have a friend that I have to pick up from another city in a couple of weeks- it is a male whom I used to date - but believe me - I presented the situation to my boyfriend and 'asked' him if he thought this was out of line? I even suggested that I would take another friend with me - in addition - I asked him if "he" wanted to go. I do not want him to have any concerns about my fidelity. On the other hand, you don't want to appear to be 'insecure' either - insecurity can also ruin a relationship.

Answer 4

What, she can't have guy friends?

As long as it doesn't become romantic, it's fine. It only becomes cheating if she begins doing things with her guy friends that she wouldn't do with her own brother. When she said what she said, she probably just wanted to reassure you since she probably already sensed that you have jealousy issues.

It doesn't really sound like you have any real basis for believing that she's cheated on you, at least not on anything you've given in your post. You're just being territorial and paranoid.

Truth be known, I think she'd be better off if you did dump her.

Answer 5

You have every right to dump her. She's basically acting like she has no commitment to you. Some girls just want to run around and not have a steady boyfriend. If that's not okay with you, say so. Stand up for what you want and don't put up with less than that. Find somebody that doesn't want to run around. I wouldn't trust her because she's not acting like she cares what you think about it as long as she gets what she wants.

Answer 6

I dont think thats cheating. Unless you know for a fact that she cheated, then i would say talk to her. She'll probably deny it, but i think you should look into it. Because if you just dump her, then you'll never know if she really cheated. Although, i dont really think she should've gone out with him just because. She's ur girl friend and you shouldve let her know that you werent comfortable with her going out with him. I think you should look into it, and if she cheated, then dump her for sure!! good lucK!

Answer 7

Well, you should tell her how you feel... tell her that it's o.k. to visit with some old friends once and a while... but you should be invited too.. what ever went on between them in the past is over now.. and if you feel uncomfortable you need to let BOTH of them know that.

Answer 8

Well she probably said it because she probably thought that is exactly what you were thinking. If you trust her and she trusts you there should be no problem, but maybe she should have talked things over before assuming it was no big deal. Just try being honest with how you're feeling and tell her to put herself in your shoes.

Answer 9

Well, it depends on if they look serious or not. If we is taking her out to eat I wouls say not, but if she is making the fanciest meal ever (that is romantic) she might be. The next time you see her see if you can tell if she is still interested in you. If she slept with him I would say "it's over". But if you truly love her you will fight out the hard times. Good luck! :)

Answer 10

Cheating is never okay. From your description it's not clear that she actually did cheat.

However, it seems that the two of you trust each other very little, so yes, it would probably be best to move on.