Help with daughter & her dads issues?

Question

OK heres the deal. I have a 12 year old daughter who is the light of my life(besdies when she is a brat LOL).. I was with dad for 4 years found out I was prego at 17, dad was 23, decided he was not ready to be a dad,took him to court when she was 2 for child support, he took me to court for full custody, We agreed on joint custody & other stuff, Everything was great he had her every other weekend called every week to see how things were going with her etc.Well about 2 years ago when she was 10 he decided he did not want to be a dad again, Just stopped coming to get her, calling etc. Popped up on her 11th b-day gave her 15 dollars said he was sorry he was going thru some things had her in tears.Last time his family saw her was x-mas 2005 as well. Well her 11th bday was the last time she seen him or heard from him, She blames herself for him not being in her life,We have tried explaing that she did nothing wrong that it is all him.I know this is killing her & I cant do anything to take away the pain.He is telling everyone that we know jointly that I am not allowing him to see her,even though I tell them he has a court order all he has to do is bring the cops including his family,Who tells me he has tried calling & that Catlyn should call them,HELLO she is 12 not her job to call you.Anyway She is having some medical problems & I need his history I e-mailed him & asked for them he said there was none & asked what was wrong I told him it was none of his business. Was I wrong in doing this ?& More importantly What can I do to help my daughter thru this ?

It has been over with us since I found out I was preggers with her, I am married with 2 other kids now I AM WAY OVER HIM

Answer 1

This sounds just like my dad. He did almost the exact same thing. He didn't want to pay child support and I wouldn't let him spend all of his time with me telling me how sick and twisted my mother was and how it was her fault he had all the affairs. Finally, he just abandoned all of us (there were 6 kids total). He also told his family that it was because my mother refused to let him see us and even went as far as telling them that he paid child support every month faithfully. Weren't they shocked when the state threatened to throw him in jail for not paying for over 10 years. His family even did the "we should be calling" them crap and my grandmother stopped sending birthday and christmas gifts to us to get at us.

I often felt it was my fault. I was also 12 when it started. It didn't help that he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I wish I could give you and her a quick solution that would solve everything and heal all wounds, but unfortunately, there aren't any. Time really does heal all wounds though. She is never going to understand why her father doesn't love her, but the best thing for her will be knowing that no matter what, you always will. As she gets older, she will understand that sometimes people do really stupid and selfish things. She will come to understand that it was never her, it was him. I can honestly say that when I think of him now, I do so with pity rather than hatred. As far as you are concerned. I can only imagine how painful this is for you. But take to heart that you are probably better off without his constant influence on her and you. Where your mutual friends are concerned, if they will believe him over you, I don't know that they are really your friends. Perhaps if the means and opportunity are available, a move to another state or further location would be good for both of you. My mother finally moved us 1300 miles away when I was 16. It was the best move we ever made. We were able to start over without the hateful influence of him and his family and life has been great for all of us ever since. Good luck to you, and tell you daughter she is not alone. She will get through it and be stronger for it.

Answer 2

well anytime he breaks the court order (when he doesnt come to get her,etc.) go to your local police department and file a report, the will either issue him a ticket for non compliance or contempt of court, and everytime you do this this is a strike against him and his responsibility, he is just trying to hurt you for his ignorant ways he doesnt want to take fault for his actions so what better way than to blame it on you,although you should of told him about medical problems even though you dont exactly have to,it is your word over his, you could actually use that against his case. if you have a good relationship with his family at all go that route otherwise just sit back and let him keep screwing up because what comes around goes around, good luck and God bless

Answer 3

Okay, first...why is there a court order keeping him from seeing her? If she wants to see him, and he (theoretically) wants to see her, why are you keeping this from happening? IMO, you really should disregard the court order, and at least allow supervised visits...And he shouldn't have to come with the police in tail, just to see his own daughter.

And I would say that yes, it was wrong of you to tell him it was none of his business. It seems to me that it IS his business, considering this is his daughter we're talking about...Not to mention that you are more likely to get the info you need from him if you're being honest and upfront with him.

The best way to help your daughter through this is to show her that YOU care about her...And from where I'm sitting, this would involve working hard to be sure she and her father can see each other. She may figure out on her own that he's not worth keeping around, but she will need to learn that on her own. Keeping them separated from each other will only continue the unfortunate situation, and may end up causing her to be angry with you, later in life.

Best of luck!!

Answer 4

I can understand why you angry with him an, just want to break free of him. He screwed up big time, but since your daughters health is a risk and that it could be family related, he kind of does have a right to know what is going on. He may not know of anything that he would think would be important, but if you know what is wrong you could tell him and maybe he could be of some help to that.

It probably would be good to get your daughter some consoling. And it might be even better to get her dad involved in that too, but that would be up to you.

Answer 5

I think it would be best for everyone if you got sole custody and an order for child support. This guy will do nothing but repeat past behavior. Take your daughter to a few sessions with a counselor or therapist to help her understand she is worthy and worthwhile, despite her so-called father's invalidation of her. It's his messup, not hers. I sense you might not be ready to let go of him.

Answer 6

All I have to say is, what a bastard (pardon my french). Just tell him what's wrong to get his medical history. Catlyn may need counseling to help her through this, and he needs a kick in the rear to straighten him out. I'm sorry for you're daughter and tell her we'll be praying for her and you.
God bless,
Jack B.

Answer 7

Lots of reassurance and just be there to give her hugs. She will realise it is his problem and not hers. I don't think you were wrong not to tell him. You should have asked what he cares as he hasn't done for so long so why bother now. Ask her if she would like to phone his family then at least she will know that it is not you that is keeping him away from her.

Answer 8

Please tell him. even if he hasn't been there he's her father. just be there for her and pray for her and tell her everything will be in God's hands. she needs support from BOTH parents.