My family and I moved into a new area last summer and promptly had difficulty with a child who stomped his foot on my 5 year olds arm. His mothers reaction was to coddle him and ask 'why did you do that hon?', I was furious and said it didnt matter why but that it was unacceptable regardless. This started a year long ordeal with my kids being called names, yelled at, cursed at and generally made to feel scared and uncomfortable in their own home. I really want to stop all of this once and for all. Do you think it would be helpful if I were to mail a letter to the mother asking her for her help in solving the situation with our kids (not that they need to be friends but just so they leave each other alone and dont talk about each other negatively)? If so, what should I ask her? ie how do I word it so it does not sound like I am putting her down? If not, what should I do instead? I cant live like this anymore.
2007-05-04 06:07:50 · 11 answers · asked by Aurora 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Anita, unless you know your neighbor well enough to be sure that she isn't mentally unbalanced in some way, I wouldn't send her a letter-- that might just escalate the situation.
I know nobody likes to think in terms of mental illness, emotional instability or possible substance abuse when they contemplate a neighbor, but it's out there. Somewhere around 5-10% of the population has mental illness issues. Your neighbor does not sound like someone who is behaving rationally, which is a clue that she might have mental illness problems. If that's the case, she will not respond rationally to your letter.
I assume there are other neighbors; if you haven't already, you might make an effort to find out from them what they know about this neighbor, and whether any of them have any insight into what seems like wildly inappropriate behavior. If any of them have had problems with her (likely, if this woman is as irrational and touchy as she seems), you might ask them how they've dealt with her.
You say you "can't live like this anymore." I think that you need to investigate and find out a little more about your neighbor before deciding on a course of action. If you find out that she's not completely rational, then it might be worthwhile to ask the police or someone in a community mental health office how to deal with her.
It's also possible, unfortunately, that if she has mental problems, there may be nothing you can do except keep yourself and your kids away from her, and use her as a "teachable moment" for your kids to understand that not everyone they encounter is going to behave like normal people do.
Good luck.
2007-05-04 06:23:05 · answer #1 · answered by Karin C 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is a problem with letters as a way to resolve conflicts -- you have to be very careful about how you express yourself, and there is still a chance that you will be misunderstood. In a direct conversation, you can immediately correct or explain yourself if you perceive that the other person has misunderstood you. You cannot do this with a letter.
The second problem is that if the situation should escalate further and become a legal issue, the letter could become evidence. Some people find letters threatening.
Is the situation too difficult for you to have a face to face discussion with your neighbor, without the presence of her kids or yours? Are there any other families in the neighborhood that are having issues with your neighbor? Is there an older person who lives in the neighborhood and who is neutral who could mediate a discussion between you and your neighbor?
In any event, if you approach your neighbor and set the conversation in the framework of "Our kids are not getting along with each other and are making each other unhappy. What can we as parents do to keep them out of each other's hair?", this will avoid putting your neighbor on the defensive about her kids' behavior. You may feel that the neighbor's kids are to blame and yours are the victims, but you should not express this. See if you can agree to rules of behavior that will be applied by both sets of parents to both sets of kids.
2007-05-04 06:26:56 · answer #2 · answered by Sandy G 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well, let me say somethin': you'll NEVER finish that kind of stuff netween kids. i'm not trying to bother u. i just want you to know that nothing that parents do can really stop children from that kind of behavior (i was a kid a few years ago, believe me) but if you think it could help, talk with that person so you could share opinions about it and try to find a way to solve it. i think talking is always better that writing and a very wise way to talk is the "i". In this way you will say : I feel, I think, I have a doubt. I wanna know if I could do anythin'... you know, that kind of taking the conversation to you so the other person dont feel offended. Also, i think kids should solve their own problems, just guide them in the way to do it. Good luck!
2007-05-04 06:22:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes. Write a letter to her. One suggestion is as follows:
Dear Marylou,
It disturbs me that our two families are at odds and have been that way since I moved in. Our children may have instigated this alienation between us, but that doesn't mean the parents must remain ostracized, and by remaining so, set a bad example for others.
How can I help mend our differences? I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Karin's reply above is certainly one to take into consideration. I hadn't thought of the mental issues.
2007-05-04 06:23:10 · answer #4 · answered by Guitarpicker 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Don't do it. This shows weakness and will solve nothing. Find out if the mother knows about the teasing. Tell your kids to go out and play with other children. If the kid is still teasing yell at him. If your children have friends, they will have protection.
2007-05-04 06:19:34 · answer #5 · answered by mad_mike_j 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't. These people sound like they have some real issues. Anything you do is just going to tick her off more. Get your kids involved in other things and playgroups. If the kids are really bad, get a restraining order.
2007-05-04 06:20:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
seriously, I would meet in person, not send a letter - letters, like email, can be taken wrong, and people can latch onto one word, and flip out on you... and it is in print.
I would go see her with an attitude of friendliness... stay calm... be patient, do not let her upset you...
"I just wanted to come over and tell you that I really hate the way things are between our families... I would like things to change.. what can we do to better get along? (don't blame her,that will only put her on the defense... ask what can be done to change it...best of luck!
2007-05-04 06:21:59 · answer #7 · answered by Laura S 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Go talk to her face to face like adults and explain that you are neighbors and between the two of you, there needs to be a resolution.
2007-05-04 06:16:33 · answer #8 · answered by msnwaves 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Let her know you're pissed in the letter so that she doesn't walk all over you. You don't have to be rude or curse, but lay down the law and tell her you won't take this crap anymore. Tell her that if she isn't going to keep her childeren under control; then....threaten her with something. idk. i wish i could be more help! sorry.
2007-05-04 06:20:45 · answer #9 · answered by Jo-Ann H 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You don't owe anybody anything.
FInd new friends from the kindergarten class.
2007-05-04 06:18:45 · answer #10 · answered by ♫ Melody 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋