Should a parent accept that his/her son/daughter is gay?

Question

My boyfriend is facing a tough decision - whether or not to come out to his old-fashioned father! We want to get married (Civil Partnership) but we know that Nick's dad will flip! The ceremony will be in the UK but his dad lives in Nigeria. Should Nick just keep quiet about it all and allow his dad to be ignorant of the relationship that Nick and I have?

Many thanks to all the constructive answers - I have added those people who have given the best to my friends contacts. Mike xx

Answer 1

his dad probably knows he's gay but is not gonna mention it to him, just because he's old fashioned does not mean he's blind....i have 3 sons and if any of mine came and told me they were gay then i would accept it... love my kids so being gay would not be a big issue....he should be honest with his dad (like it or not) his dad should give him his blessings....he will find out sooner or later that you have both tied the knot, you cannot keep it a secret forever...congratulations on your up coming ceremony...and good luck....x

Answer 2

I think it would be great if his dad could be a apart of the happiness that his son shares but it is quite a tricky situation.

What is the worst thing that Nick's father could do? He could go as far as to say that he will disown him but that feeling will not last.

Are there any other of Nick's relations that could give him advice as to how his father could react?
If not then I would suggest telling him outright because he will thank you in the end. With him being old fashioned, he would believe in trust. No matter what the news, his father will obviously be shocked and possible go through the classic stages:
~Shock
~Denial
~Anger
~Acceptance

I am sure that in the end, he will be glad that Nick felt comfortable enough to tell him.

I would NOT recommend keeping quiet as this may make the situation worse because he lied about the entire thing.

I hope this has helped you a bit, and I really do hope things work out for the best for you both.

Answer 3

Give the father the choice.

Chances are, if they are close, then the father probably has an idea anyway.

Probably best to do it in a letter - get the message across without the chance of it turning into a confromtation / argument. He'll read the whole story, how he feels and how happy he is with you and this will all have a chance to sink in before he calls.

Make sure he understands it is not a reflection on his 'masculinity' or his fatherhood, it's just the way you were made. Also be sure to let him know you need to tell him as you would not want such a large secret to damage your relationship with him and you want him to be a part of your life, and your new relationship.

Good luck, I sincerely hope all goes well.

Answer 4

Better to bring it all out in the open before it's too late. But yeah, there's a huge possibility Nick's dad will flip. Nigerians of the older generation are old-fashioned and even though he loves his son, there's also the "what will his friends think if they find out his son is gay?" scenario so he might not be so accepting but at least by telling him, he'll be getting things off his chest and not hiding stuff. Keeping things from your folks can be so unhealthy... When things get tough, you'll need 'em for a lotta things like good advice, support, etc. However, if I was a parent, I'm not sure I'd be so accepting because it goes against my religion but I wouldn't reject or shut my kid out just because of that, I'd still love him/her nevertheless and try to find a way to work things out.

Answer 5

O just ignore the stupid people comments

If he feels it important to tell his dad, if it's important enough to have an effect on him emotionally if he doesn't tell dad, then I think he has to tell him. He has to weigh up the pros and cons. I think you need to be supportive and understanding in whatever choice he makes, this clearly means a lot to him and he is going to need your patience

When it comes down to it, whether his dad accepts him or not, it's not going to change your opinion of eachother. Dad's reaction may suprise you both, Nick is still his son after all and most parents will accepting because they love their children.

I really think perhaps you could benefit from talking to other people who have been through a similar experience, for moral support if nothing else. Try the Gay and Lesbian switchboard, they may be able to give you some advice or put you in touch with a support group.

S
x

Answer 6

It's a tough one I'll give you that. I would say discuss it with the father first to get him used to the idea.

If it were me I'd do that and let the dust settle for a bit and see what events happen next. If he's totally against it and doesn't want to be involved with the partnership then go ahead regardless. If he does then all the better.

Good luck, you may need it.

Answer 7

My mother and my sister had that "funkiness" for a while too. When I came out my mother couldn't even look at me... and I was thinking all the way "well, eff you!" and then tried to "convince me" to not be gay... (Yep, I know...) The thing is it'll take them a while. I'd advise you to read... A LOT. Always have scientific information to back up your position. Like the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Psychiatry) and the UN doesn't have homosexuality as "a psyche condition". That in over 1500 species homosexual behaviour has been studied, happens in natural hence it's not "unnatural". Also, make sure that you know who's openly gay/bi, so if they like an artist/actor/politian/writer or whatever, you'll be "oh! he/she happens to be gay/bi" (a.k.a. "we're not all that bad"/"we've made a good contribution in this scene"). And in order to make "peace" with them; tell them to go with you to a PFLAG meeting or the sort. They're behaving that way because they haven't been exposed to gay people; and so they have all these stereotypes, prejudices and paradigms to break. It'll take them a while to understand (as it took you a while to understand/identify you feelings are "gay") They're still in denial/shock. Remember that even the luckiest of us have been in that situation... Be patient and rant with your friends (ranting works for me perfectly! lol). And buy a rainbow bracelet. Personally there was a point that it was annoying coming out to people, so the bracelet makes it more obvious without being too "in yo face!" about it. And when I said "read a lot", I really mean A LOT. The only way to beat homophobia is by educating others... and the only way to do that it's with you becoming an "expert" on the matter. Well, maybe not an "expert"; but you should know enough about homosexuality to defend your position. PS: Unlike you you've read up there, I wouldn't advise to bring a boyfriend just yet. They might blame him and take it on him because he "finished turning you gay" when you were "just confused". PFLAG is the most diplomatic way to go. Wait a couple of weeks before bringing your boyfriend.

Answer 8

It is tough and there is no guarentee his father will accept him especially if he is conservative. His father may very well cut off contact w/ him at least for a period of time if not forever There is no easy answer for this one - his choice is either to live a lie (at least when his father is around or when he talks to him) or tell him the truth and risk the response.

Answer 9

I am a parent and the worst thing I can think of is that one of my children would lie to me. Not telling and being left ignorant is as bad as being lied to. Most parents want to be proud of their children and will love them regardless of their sexuality. After all, the parents gave them life, so some of the genes are from both parents and being gay is an act of God.
Be brave, honest and good and do the things you were brought up to do.

Answer 10

ignore the above! i dont know thats up to you. does he see his dad a lot? if u think ur love is strong enough and will last the course then u will have to come clean about it at some point. if his father loves him it will be irrelevant, it may come as a shock at first but thats ok. if there is a chance it will cause major uproar id jus leave it, i wouldnt keep it secret but wouldnt deny it if i were asked. good luck x