Putting up walls. . .?

Question

I have been noticing in my life and in the lives of those around me that we sometimes put up walls around our hearts when we get too close to people. I know from personal experience that sometimes this occures when we were hurt or abandoned as a child.

But a situation has come up with a guy. we were thinking about courting, and these issues came up. I had a discussion with him the other day and we both recognized the problum but then the question came up that what is the solution?

I work full time in a ministry and I am looking for some godly perspectives and biblical expamples to study on. I dont even know where to begin.

So, with that being said. . .

How do you stop your self from putting up walls and shutting people out?

I did however get some feedback on this from a minister here. He told me that ultimately we do this out of fear. Now the bible says that perfect love casts out all fear. So this might be an issue of unbelief. In the sense that you dont trust God to protect you from whatever it is that you are feeling.

just a little side note.

I am saving my next kiss until my wedding day.

But this is not just on my part, you see he had this problum at first. We started to become closer (as friends) and started putting up walls. So he decided to stay just as friends. Then MY walls went up because i felt rejected or not good enough. But all that aside, right now we both just want to be friends but we are not letting ourselves, if that makes any sense.

I am sorry. I got off subject. I am not asking for councel about my situation. I am asking in general. I actually have already gotten councel on this from pastors of my church. I just want to find a solution so that I can help others to realize how to fix it.

Sorry for getting off subject. I was just using that situation as an example.

Answer 1

I'm the same way.
You have to learn to trust people and take them for what they are, and what they say.
Not everyone will break your heart.

Answer 2

Greetings,
You must trust God without reservation. Afterall believe it or not He is in control of the whole ball of wax. At times it may not seem like He ia aware of our situation or circumstances,but He is. Afterall a sparrow cannot even fall unless He decries it.

Now this does not mean that we are to blindly go through our life. We must use the gifts God gave us such as common sense or our ability to choose what has been imparted to us by the Holy Spirit as being right or wrong. The Holy Spirit will never guide us to do something that is wrong or immoral. Now that doesn't mean that God won't allow these things to occur in our lives it is only by His consent that they may occur.Look at JOB. There Satan has to ask God for the permission to ruin his life but only to a certain point and is not given the power to kill him.

Should you want to learn more or know more you should really read and study your bible scince it is the given word of God and all else is man's imaginings.

Answer 3

Walls suit their purpose. They can keep you from being hurt or from hurting others. If the wall you are hiding behind becomes a hindrance, then recognizing it is the first step. Finding out why it's there is the next step and then you have to dismantle it brick by brick until it is completely down. It takes time and sometimes counceling or prayer but it can be done.

Answer 4

John Eldridge is a very good source fot these types of things.
I'm currently working through a book he wrote with his wife called Captivating that touches a great deal on how and why we put up walls. Eldridge wrote a similiar book for men called Wild at Heart...I would suggest checking some of that out.
There's a great CS Lewis quote that says basically that by sheilding our hearts from love we make them inpenitrable and hard-"the only place outside of heaven to sheild our hearts from the pains of love is hell"-I keep this quote in mind when realize I've put up a wall to try to shelter myself from something.

Answer 5

For many people, it's a natural defense mechanism. Love is supposed to feel amazing, but at its outset, it can be very frightening and it's like venturing into the dark without a flashlight.

All of us have been badly hurt at one point or another, and that's what leads to this reaction. You have to weigh the risk versus the reward.

Best to you.

Answer 6

I'm not very good at it. I strongly dislike exposing my emotions.

To help with this, I tell my sins and problems to my spiritual father, who instructs me and gives me penances, some of which I emphatically do not like. This humbles me and makes me more receptive to others.

I also find a way to visit with other people and isolate behaviors that isolate me. This also helps.

In the end, though, I still struggle with it and flee from large groups (while running to small ones).

Answer 7

i dont think that can be done easily
youre afraid of getting hurt
while the walls protect your heart from pain
they also seal it off from deep feelings
love and pain are inseparable
would you rather life a life full of love and pain
or one where you didnt have any strong feelings at all?
your heart may have to break
for the walls to come down

Answer 8

I suggest the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. They cover this subject well and from a Biblical perspective. You need boundaries because they protect you, yet you don't need a constant fortress around you. This book will show you the balance..I think they also have "Boundaries in Dating" which may especially be helpful in your situation.
You can order it from Christianbook.com for a reasonable price.

Answer 9

You work full time in a ministry and you need us Yahoos to answer this question?

You need to go to your pastor and his wife to discuss this. The bible also says that the older women need to teach the younger women. (I don't think this only means chronological age - it includes spiritual maturity) There should be mature married women in your congregation that you should already be mentored by.

Answer 10

The Word of God says - those sins that you retain are retained, and those sins that you remit are remitted.

John 20:23 "Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained."

I would say to you very carefully and very strongly; make sure that in your Christian experience, you are a remitter of sins. That will make you perfect like your Father which is in heaven (matt. 5:48)

Forgiveness is an attitude of your heart toward others in love. The biggest problem that we have in the area of forgiveness is that when someone has sinned against us, we make the sin equal to them also. We have a perfect hatred for the sin, and we have a perfect hatred for them in the sin.

You see, what you have to do is separate the person from their sin as God separated you from your sin when He saved you. When God saved you, He separated you from your sin in His heart. He sees the sin, but He sees you without it. he is able to separate you from your sin. He has loved you from the foundation of the world.

You don't forgive people who have wronged you because you feel like it; you need to forgive them because you're obedient to Christ and His commandments. You don't do it from an intellectual standpoint. You don't do it because it's a law. You need to do it because that's just the way you are. If you are just a love bug that will forgive all manner of sin, then you are just like your Daddy, your Father in heaven.

You can do that because you are all indwelled by the Spirit of God, and the Spirit gives you the ability to think like your Father, act like your Father, talk like your Father and forgive like your Father, whether you feel like it or not. In the area of forgiveness, it is an attitude of the heart, not a ritual of performance.