For Stepparents?

Question

I moved in with my boyfriend and his 6 y/o old son a few months ago. At first me and his son got along perfectly. That's probably because I was 'new', didn't know all the rules or him very well, and this is my first 'parenting' experience. Now, I know all the rules and enforce them as his father does. But his reactions are totally different with me.
When he goes to anyone's house, he walks all over the people. My boyfriend has told me that he's made numerous babysitters cry! I'm majoring in psychology and have learned a lot about children, so I don't let it get to me like that.
He has ADHD and went through hell from age 1-4 during custody battles and other things. If his dad sends him to the corner, he goes. If I send him, he jumps up and down and screams until his face turns purple. It takes him about 3 minutes to GET into the corner. He requires constant attention when I'm alone w/ him, but not when my boyfriend is with us. I know he's testing me.

He acts better with me than anyone else who watches him, but he's a brat compared to when Dave is around. I am his only mother figure (his mom is out of picture). And now, I'm 5 weeks pregnant. I want to be a good mom to both. I don't want the boy to hate me. I'm with him more than his father is. I let him do the coolest things when he's good, but nothing fun when he's bad. That's the right thing to do, right? I tell him to be good and he can do fun things, and he KNOWS that. I send him to the corner and I swear he screams for 15 minutes like I hit him or something!!! Some days he's perfect, other days he's horrible. Nothing in between.
All I want to do is the right thing. I love the kid, and want to adopt one day, but I only want to do that if I deserve him. Am I doing this right??
Any stories and suggestions??

To the first answer: we do A LOT together (me and him AND all three of us). But it seems like the more we do, the worse he is when I need to do something alone when it's just me and him (like study for college finals).

Did someone seriously just tell me that my baby would be a bastard??? I feel so sorry for ignorant people... The only thing psych has to do with marraige is that it states it is an institution... it has nothing to do with our situation. Over half of all marraiges end in divorce, so what does it matter if we're married or not?

Answer 1

Oh man, have I been there. I AM there.
My boyfriend of 4 yrs has a 10 yr old daughter from his 1st marriage, and her mom is also out of the picture (she lives in another state, has four kids by four guys, and has custody of none of them because she's a crack whore, but I digress...)
Anyway, it started out GREAT w/us too. We were so naive, thinking "wow, this is gonna be easy, she needs a mom, here I am, voila!"
HA!
At first it was great, like I said, but then real life set in. Before we lived together, I didn't have to be a mother to her, or at least I didn't come across as a mother to her because we didn't live together. But once we did live together, I began doing the things w/her as I did my own children: make sure they do homework, brush their teeth, bathe, pick up messes, yada yada yada...
And to top it off, his daughter was so used to it being just her and her dad, then suddenly there was not just me (who she viewed as taking her dad away from her), but there were my own 3 kids living w/us too.
What she would do was to act totally normal around me when it was just me, but as soon as her dad would walk thru the door, she would regress by about 3 years. It about made me crazy. At the age of 8, she would do this baby talk thing and she actually called him "da-da" regularly. Not daddy, not dad, but "da-da." She would also play helpless. If he was around, she suddenly didn't know how to do anything on her own that she really DID know, like getting a snack or hanging up a shirt...anything.
What made it more frustrating was the fact that my boyfriend saw no big deal about it. He couldn't understand why it drove me nuts the way she was a totally different child when he was there compared to when it was just me w/her.
Soooo...short story long, I would advise you to keep doing what you're doing because it sounds like you're doing your part (although it'd be nice if stepkids came w/an instruction manual.) The only cure for this is TIME. I hate to say that, but it's true. We're 4 yrs in, and although things have improved VASTLY in many areas, we still have a ways to go.
I hope your boyfriend backs you up and the two of you keep a united front when it comes to disciplining your stepson. That is still a problem for us. I will dole out a consequence for something my stepdaughter's done and my boyfriend will disregard it. Recent example: her dad let her stay the night w/a buddy on a school night, and she ended up being an hour late for school the next morning b/c they were up too late. I told her "no more staying the night w/anyone on a school night" and guess what? Last night, her dad let her do it again anyway. Totally undermined what I had told her. I try to explain to him that when he does that, it makes her believe that what I say really doesn't count, but he just doesn't get it. So my second piece of advice, after give it time, would be to make sure you stand a united front, and if you have any disagreements about anything at all regarding the child, don't discuss it/argue about it in front of him. If he sees that, he'll really play on it and try to divide you.
((((HUGS)))) to you, congrats on the baby-to-be, and best of luck on your situation from someone who KNOWS! ;-)

Answer 2

When you marry someone, you marry their kids too. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't be getting married to that person. therefore, stepparents are the parents as well, and just as in ANY house, the parents have to show a united front, and that means the step has the responsibility to discipline. Look at this way, do the step's funds contribute to the expense of raising the child? Clothing, food, shelter? You can't take all of the good w/o the bad.

Answer 3

Im not a stepparent but a parent with a child. i just wanted to share my experience teaching a ADHD child. yeah it really test my patience... he is about 7 yrs old that time.. whenever i teach he will do something else he cannot sit still within 1 minute. he likes to move around, jumping and hanging at the door, he is the only student i met with ADHD, i can still remember him until today. it was 7 year ago haha...

ok what i did was from my friend experieced she said a hyperactive child must talk to them direct to their eyes. and dont let them look other thing except our eyes. one more thing when we talk to the child make sure that our background is empty, nothing can distract them. Then say whatever is positive direct to his eyes if he tried to look around ask him to look back at our eyes'.

i did that to him 1 or 2 times and by god willing the next 2 weeks he changed a lot and sit still like his friends hehehe... only the hand are moving around and not the whole body.

You can try talk to him personally.

Answer 4

I am the stepmother to a little girl that will soon be 7. She is beyond brat in fact her own grandfather doesnt want to be around her and our friends will not come around if she's awake or here. Her father does not see it ofcourse and when I say something Im "picking on her". We also have a son that is 11 months old and I have a 14yr old terminally ill daughter from a previous marriage. My husband was never married to my stepdaughters mom and I have been raising kids for 17 yrs now (helped raise my nephews who are now 17 and 15) and I dont know what to do with her. Yes we do "girl" things without her dad and when we are alone she listens to me if we are in public. If we are at the house I have to repeat myself 5-6 times sometimes more. If her dad is there I might as well be talking to a wall. I will ask her something, wait for an answer ask again. Then say "Brent" and he'll ask his daughter who will then respond! I know that he's told her "you have to listen to her she's boss when Im not here" so maybe its crossed in her mind that only when he is NOT here she has to listen to me and Ive brought that up but he claims shes not that stupid , nope she's not stupid she just knows with daddy around she can get away with anything. If I tell her no she can not do something she waits for him to come home to ask him to do it knowing he doesnt know Ive already told her no which leads to us arguing. I expect nothing more from her then I do my own kids, I treat her no diffrent then I do my own kids. But she acts like a damn brat to the point that I am not comfortable in my own home and I do not want to be around her, and apparnetly Im not the only one if her own grandfather doesnt want her around and none of our friends will even so much as call when she's here. By the way I have NEVER tried to be her mother but I also will not be her friend she will have many friends in her lifetime only one set of parents. My husband told me all along "treat her like she's one of your own" so I do...

But I wish you luck..By the way I have my Masters in Psychology and worked as a clinical psychologist for 13 yrs and believe me nothing has prepaired me for what goes on with this little girl in our home. Its so much easier when your on the outside looking in to give advice then to try to figure it out from the inside if you know what Im saying

Answer 5

So you know you can't give in! As long as he gets in the corner is what matters. I would suggest you watch those Nanny shows, I've learned so many techniques that really work! Being a step-parent is very hard work! Don't give up, you'll get through all this!

Answer 6

julie d has the right idea. It certainly is jealousy. No other person can substitute for ones own mother. The boy believes in his head, that if he can drive you away, his dad will again hook up with his real mom. He does not understand that that is or is not a possibility.

There are two things you have done that I disagree with you on, and I am sorry if you are offended. You are living with a man that you are not married to. So, how can the boy look upon you as his mother? You are just another person.

The second thing is to get pregnant. Now, the boy believes that the new born will take his place. Call me old fashioned if you like, but I believe that an unwed woman that allows herself to get pregnant, is denying the child she is suppose to love, the dignity of a legal father. It will always be a bastard.

And your majoring in psychology?

Answer 7

He's testing but he's also jealous that his father has someone else to pay attention too. Try and develop a good relationship with him and make him a part of every activity. Make sure him and his dad get their own time together and try to keep it light for awhile.

Answer 8

I feel your pain. He doesn't see you an authority figure yet. You may need more help disciplining him from your boyfriend until his son realizes you are the boss too! Hang in there, I know it's tough. Patience is hard to have when they are testing you. But it will pass.

Answer 9

generally speaking, it sounds like he is testing you- you just need to keep doing what you are doing. As far as studying psychology, I did too. But you really don't know anything until you are a parent.

Answer 10

You have your hands full. I will pray for you and your family.