How do I discipline my .....?

Question

12 year old son? I know he is hitting a hard time now. Puberty, girls, emotional changes... I want him to be good but I also want to hold him like my baby and tell him it will all be ok. He seems to be at a constant struggle with me and rules. I just don't know what to do.

Answer 1

Kids struggle with rules that don't make sense to them. I would do two things at this point (and both are based on the fact that he IS older and more capable of making decisions based on logic and less on emotion). One is that I would step back and see which rules I have in place, what principles are guiding them, and which ones I can let go of. For example if the principle is staying safe, for a younger child it will include not crossing the street by themselves. For an older child it would mean being able to cross major streets as long as I know where he's going. if the principle is having a safe and clean household, what honestly needs to happen for that to be true? Does he really have to gather laundry EVERY day? Can he just do it once a week? What about trash? Etc etc etc.
The second thing I would do is to talk to him as much as possible. Understand where he is coming from, know his interests and allow them to be legitimate. So many parents complain "All my kid wants to do is video games, he only wants the computer, he only wants to hang out with friends", and yet, that's how they learn. Kids learn by doing, not by being told what to do. Does that make sense? So know who he is...and be able to use that when talking about rules and struggles. "I know this game is important, it's important to me that there aren't rats living in your room, can we clean up and then play?"

And most of all, remember that children are works IN PROGRESS. They cannot be expected to know everything we do, to perform at our level of experience, so cut him some slack. I know it's hard sometimes, I have a 12 year old as well. But it's so worth the price.
Someone mentioned consistency. I agree, it's important. But it's likewise important to be able to say, "You know, this rule was a mistake, and after consideration, dad and I think it might be more appropriate to allow you to do X" or "I think you are showing your maturity with being able to keep your room clean, so dad and I think that maybe you could have your boundaries broadened a little"

Answer 2

What I would do is sit down with him and come up with rules and chores you can ALL agree to. If he feels involved with the decision making, I believe he is more likely to abide by them. You may also want to start the "sex talk" soon. I don't think any time is too early. Make sure you give him a little space and his privacy, but let him know that you can answer any questions he has. He's just looking for a little independence at this age, so give him a little. At this age, my parents only wanted to know where I was and what time I would be home. Obviously I had a curfew, but I was pretty free to go to my friend's houses as I pleased. A phone call or note was sufficient for them. Basically, he's at an age where he wants you to trust him to make the right decisions, and you must trust yourself on how you raised your son. Just remember, the more rules you make, the more rules he is going to break. Make sure you punish him when he does break your rules, but there is nothing wrong with changing some rules to give him a little freedom and show that you trust him.

Answer 3

Well (like another answerer mentioned) CONSISTENCY is the key issue.

You have to give him enough leeway to allow him to make choices...and then respond either favourably or negatively to his choice. This way he learns how to make a proper choice and does not have the feeling of everyone running his life.

As he makes more and more correct choices, then you increase his freedom. But at the same time, for wrong choices you remove some of his freedom. And back to the consistency on this....he will push hard to get his way, but u must be a brick wall until he learns that you are still the boss and cannot be challenged.

Lots of communication in every way possible will go a long way. Family activities that he likes will help this too. Our family loves riding motorcycles and we do it every chance we get. I feel it has brought me and my boys much closer.

Now as to holding him like a baby...I would imagine that time is fast going away. Teen boys avoid that like a plague...but don't worry because when they get in their 20's then they will regain some of their sensitivity. And at around age 17 to 18 is when mine began to mellow out and quit the power struggle.

I have a 16 year old, a 15 year old (at home) and a 23 year old and 22 year old (not at home)....all boys. And yes, the younger ones are going through the same actions that you are experiencing.

Answer 4

Your son is making the transition to being a man. What's tough is not knowing how to be a man, when to be a man and when its okay to still be a kid. Now is a good time to talk with him about the kind of man he wants to be, get him thinking about things. Explain that as he enters his teen years, he sheds childhood and becomes an "adult-in-training" finally achieving adulthood. It is a good time to plan a manhood ceremony and have him think of himself as a man who is learning. Your focus should have always been teaching, but now more than ever you need to be an advisor and a stabilizing force. His struggling with rules is part of gaining his independence, talk with him about the rules and negotiate with him on certain privileges. Have him earn adult privileges but taking responsibility for things (household chores, schoolwork etc) and have him write letters/essays about issues that are important for him to think about, everything from honesty and honor to sex and parenthood (save those for later if you wish). With each essay and a discussion with you, he can earn a new privilege. Let him feel that he is working to gain his adulthood instead of having to free himself of the tyranny of childhood.
Don't be afraid to ambush him with hugs (when there aren't any friends around). He may complain but he will really appreciate it. Touching is a necessary part of human social integration, ruffling the hair, patting the back, and squeeze of the hand and a quick hug and kiss on the way out the door are as important for his health as all those immunizations he got the first two years of his life. Good luck as you both move into a more adult relationship.

Answer 5

He is fighting for some independence and a sense of self...just like they test you when they are 2 years old and telling you no all of the time. Just like then it is best to choose your battles wisely, and say yes to everything that is reasonable, so they won't hear so many no's. Hearing too many NO'S makes them lose their punch and be less effective. Also make sure that he has some structure (chores, a dinnertime ritual that he can count on) and that you discipline with LOVE and CONSISTENCY to leave no room for doubt and confusion in his mind. This is what will let him know that he is important to you. When parents take the time to correct and instill morals it lets the child know that he is worthwhile to you and that you want them to grow up right. And yes make sure that you keep doling out the hugs and reassurances...he masy act like he doesn't want them but deep inside you know they do!!!

Answer 6

I've got the same problem with my 12 year old son.

I try not to resort to shouting and getting angry because he only goes down the 'you just don't understand' route.

Give him a little space but let him know what the rules are. We have printed house rules and chores and posted them in his room.

All his pocket money is calculated around the above. We don't have a go at him if he doesn't do chores, we just deduct pocket money.
This may seem like bribary, but it brings structure without preaching.
Doesn't always work, but generally he's ok.

Slim.

Answer 7

I've heard these are the very hard times. My mother-in-law said that from 12-19 her son (my husband) was hard to be around and he turned out to be a good man. Her advise was to prepare, hold on tight, stay grounded in your beliefs and rejoice in the moments of harmony in your house. Just let him know your there for him no matter what and always will be. Good luck!

Answer 8

At this age, get him involved in how discipline is handled. He is old enough to really think about his actions, why they are good or bad, and how they affect other people.

When they are little, you're totally in charge. When they're adutls, they're totally in charge. But in the teen years, the trick is to hand it over to them a little at a time so that they get practice in managing their own discipline and are prepared for making good decisions without you.

The ultimate goal isn't how he behaves today -- it's how he handles himself as an adult. Keep that in mind when you feel frustrated or confused about today. As long as you keep giving him support and guidance, he's taking that in and building on it -- even if it seems at the moment that he's not!

Answer 9

Wow.. You are right.. Here's a virtual hug, mom! It sucks, doesn't it? I actually sit here and cry at my desk some mornings.. My son will be 12 in 5 months. Hopefully, we can pull through this..

Answer 10

you need to talk to him but not smother him. Does he have a father in the picture or an older brother? It might be better for one of them to talk to him "man to man" because he might be going through something only another guy would understand. If he doesn't have a male role model in his life you might want to sign him up for big brothers in your area. Good luck.