I wrote awhile ago about my addict son. He hasn't worked a year in a job and graduated h/s in 2004?

Question

He owes for a college he never went to. Broke his hand about 3x and bill collectores still call. I forwarded his address since he is now living with a girl that the mother pays for their expenses. His name has been in the paper lately for beating someone up and hers for robbing someone. How do I let go! I'm worried to death about him. He doesn't need this girl that is just llike him with no ambition. He is an addict. Maybe he isnt doing the hard stufff but he is reallly bad on booze and marjuana too. Haven't really talked to him for 4 months and miss the old him help me.

Answer 1

PLEASE Take care of YOURSELF at this time -- and go to a Narc-Anon or Al-Anon Meeting .. and yes, share your story, get a buddy who also has to deal with addict adult child, and they will help just by LISTENING to how they are also coping with this situation.

YOU can't help him at this time -- face it, he IS an Adult -- with all the Adult Responsibilities and IF he is out there committing crimes -- then ...

LET him take the PUNISHMENT (meaning Jail time and Arrests and Convictions) that he MUST get due to his criminal behaviors.

REMEMBER This -- UNTIL he is on his own -- NO ONE supporting his rear end .. and he hits the Rock Bottom ... he will NOT change. YOU can say "I Care ... I Love you, Son ..."

BUT ...

STAY FIRM on keeping your pocketbook CLOSED!

NOW let me tell you this -- I also have had to LET GO of an Adult Child in the past year -- in August 2006 -- this Adult Child (with problem behaviors -- and his so-called 'high school friends' were doing drugs -- and I suspect he was also) ...

WILLINGLY HELPED my EX (from a decade and half ago) to BURGLARIZE MY HOME ...

I FILLED out the Police Report, I DEMANDED That EVIDENCE be taken, I DEMANDED Charges be pressed .. and now I wait (because .. the Burglary is NOT as high on the Priority List for Prosecution as other crimes).

So although I did suffer a very large financial loss (and yes, they did damage my home -- but that is ALSO not covered under any Insurance Policy) ...

I KNOW in my HEART that I already have the MOST PRECIOUS item in the world -- MY LIFE ...

BECAUSE ...

I was NOT in the home when the Ex and this Adult Child Burglarized it. IF I was in the home -- I would have DIED that day ....

Answer 2

OK, everyone else has said look after your money / your wealth / health etc... so I'm going down a different route OK?

I've read stories in the papers about sons being carted off to prison after being found sleeping in their mom's shed, about sons doing all sorts of nasty stuff... & mostly that equates to ONE thing... they can't figure out HOW to make a go of their life... so they quit... they seek escapism...

IF your son becomes violent, then yeh- show him the door, call the police- they can talk to him, calm him, caution him, lock him up if necessary ("for his own good")

But when your son is sober... then you should, in my humble opinion, let him know you love him, especially if he seeks your counsel / your help / your love... & in that event, money should NOT come between you!

If he's scrounging unreasonably / taking you for a ride & you suspect he doesn't give a damn about YOU, then yeh, be hard / cold / distant... till he wises-up...

But PLEASE have some compassion / sympathy / empathy cos he's a closely related HUMAN BEING who is suffering & in need of someone to show him what love & caring is really about...

So, he's made mistakes? Haven't we all?

Only give up on your child when you are absolutely on your last legs...

or, should anything really bad happen (God forbid), you might never forgive yourself for not trying enough.

I am sure you already know this, that's why you've asked this question (twice), hoping for affirmation of this view...
I know I'm in a minority, but don't allow that to influence you - you're a mom with a heart... so listen to your heart & don't turn him away... not if you want to make things better / as best as they can be.

(The marijuana isn't an issue that's important right now, so drop the lectures about that). Just try to make him realise / understand the booze is poisoning / changing / killing him... & do your best to get him off that.

Good-luck. If you do your best, your conscience will at least be clear. God bless.

Afterthought:
Maybe he's feeling lost?
Maybe he just needs a rest from pressures?

Answer 3

Talk to someone in an addictions counseling office. I have never had to deal with something like this but I wonder if they have some kind of intervention program. And - I wonder if although he is over 18 you still are his next of kin and am wondering if you can have him committed - at least for an evaluation.
Might be worth checking out.

The only other choice is to let go. How to do this I'm not sure. The only way I can think of is cutting off all communication. Or maybe move.
Could start by changing your phone number so at least you won't be hassled by the collectors.

Good Luck

Answer 4

gosh that sounds like my brother.he was addicted to everything.he died in dec in a police chase.his girl was locked up and still locked up.the only thing u can do is put it in gods hands.he wil not change unless hes ready.my brother never worked all he did was steal to get whatever he wanted.he had a good heart though he was just in the fast life.he was locked all the time.and the last time he got out was in sept.of 2006 and he said he wouldnt go back and hes life ended running from the police.good luck with your son,but u will never get the old him back until hes ready.

Answer 5

he's 10 they are probable merely his acquaintances. provide up reading too a lot into it, in the experience that they are those type of calls why does your son provide out your volume and picture it really is okay? Take some duty and instruct the boy some morals really of coming to Yahoo speaking nonsense, how previous are you? 15? appearing like a baby.

Answer 6

Let time take it's course. I have been there, done that. You can only hope that this part in his life will pass. You can only hope that one day, some how, he will wake up. It happened for me. I was a major drug addict and finally came to the conculsion that I wasn't going anywhere. I was in prison, as they say, "a real loser". But after I got out, met the love of my life and wanted more for her. She stood my me while I went to college and got my degree in Engineering. And now we have been in love and married for 15 years. It does get better.

Answer 7

tough love is the only thing you can do for him -- let him know, every time you talk to him, that you care about him and you are concerned but you do not in any way approve of his self destructive behaviors

and then DO NOT ever give him any money at all, for anything.
ever.

attend some al-anon or nar anon meetings to talk to other people who are dealing with using addicts.

how do you let go?
it helps to learn about all the damage you will do to him by NOT letting go -- you can damage a person a lot more by doing things that you think are helping but is actually only "enabling" his addiction to continue (and this includes not only physical supports like money, but also emotional supports like *accepting* his behavior)

try to learn all you can about "enabling" behaviors, check out one of these support meetings for families of addicts/alkies,

my mom has been attending for 8 years now (since i got clean and sober) and she and i talk about her groups all the time. they are really a great thing for her so she can learn how to live healthily not only towards me, but more importantly *for* herself

Answer 8

I'm sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you may not be able to do much about it until he's ready. Hopefully he'll come to his senses and straighten out. Or he'll hit bottom and have little choice. When that happens, try to be supportive. But don't do anything to facilitate his addiction. It might feel harsh, but you have to let him fall if he's determined to do it.

Answer 9

He is an adult and is making his decision. You can not change him and if you try, you will only frustrate yourself.

There is the acknowledgement that he is your son, and you will always be mom. The best, though hardest, thing to do is keep your hands off. You do not have to support his lifestyle, that means no money, no coming home to crash, no borrowing the car...no nothing.

Answer 10

There is nothing at all you can do until he sees the error of his lifestyle, sooner or later he should hate living like that and will pull himself together. Live your life and just be there for him if he returns to reality. Good luck