How do you determine who would get your children if both parents pass away or are unable to care for them?

Question

My husband and I are filling out paperwork for enrollment for life insurance policies, and will be making out a will.

I have two small children, and we feel strongly that we do not want them to be raised by grandparents, in the unfortunate event that we both met with tragedy.

I have two sisters, who both have two children of their own. One, in particular, we would feel okay about having raise our children if we were unable to, she and her husband are responsible to the extreme, and my kids are very familiar with them.

We also have a couple that we're friends with, and we feel as though if our children went to them, they would be raised as closely to the way we'd raise them ourselves as they possibly could. Trouble is, they live far away and don't know much about either of our families, and we want family to be a part of their lives.

We're not going to make this decision based on answers here, but if anyone has suggestions on choosing and asking, I'd sure take 'em!

Answer 1

I am on the same page as you are regarding my children not going to grandparents. In my case there really are no other family members that would fit the bill either.
It is important to me that whoever would get my children would, at first want them. They would be on the same page as me regarding how I desire my children to be raised, they would have a respect for me and my family and have a love for my children.
I would talk to the friends you mentioned and try to cultivate a closer relationship with your family.
A friend whom I would trust to take my child lives far from my family and does not know them at all but I know that if something were to happen and she wound up with charge over my daughter, she would make every effort to make sure that my children would be allowed and given ample opportunity to keep in touch with all of mine and my husband's family members. If you are not sure they would be willing , talk to them about it. Even if they don't communicate with them now, if something were to happen and it were a necessity- I am sure they would be willing- it is a natural part of taking on the responsibility of becoming the guardians of your children.

Answer 2

All things being equal, or very nearly so, the family connection would tip the scale for me. You are very fortunate to have responsible adult siblings who would be willing and able to take care of your children if the unthinkable happened.

Here's my reasoning: Your kids would have enough to deal with by losing both parents. Putting distance between them and their remaining family on top of that seems an unnecessary burden to put on the kids. As they grew older, don't you think they'd wonder why (even if they loved it there) they ended up with their parent's friends instead of their own aunt? What, the aunts didn't want them? That's very typical kid-logic and, true or not, a hard thing to dispel once the notion takes root.

It would be different if there were no aunts/uncles ... or if they had "issues", or were just plain unable to take on the responsibility. Then, thank goodness, at least you'd be able to name your good friends as the kids' guardians. But because you do have a good choice within the family, that seems the best all around.

Answer 3

I'd choose someone who you believe would raise your children as closely to the way you and your husband would. They should be someone who has good morals and values, and have a good relationship with eachother if its a couple. They should enjoy, would be be willing to change their life style for and have open arms to your children. Your children should be just as familiar with these people as you are. You wouldn't want them to have to live with total strangers.
I wouldn't knock anyone off the list who doesn't know your family. I know if i was in this situation, i would make sure that these children got to see aunts, uncles, grandparents etc on a regular basis because that would be extremely important.
I know if anything happens to my husband and i, my kids will go to their godparents, who have been great friends of mine and my husbands for a long time. I choose them because i felt they had a strong relationship with each other, my children adore them and they would be willing to make sacrifices.They aren't that familiar with my family, but do know a little bit about them. They're also the godparents of 3 other families so we felt they would be a great match :) I have 3 siblings and my husband has 1. We didn't want to leave our children to any family because we felt that we would cause a big feud. Not something i want my kids to deal with, especially after a loss.
This is a big decision. Best wishes to you and good luck! =]

Answer 4

The first thing to do is to discuss the decision with the sister you prefer. You would certainly need her and her husband's agreement to being named. If they seem to have any reservations, you should consider asking the friend or the other sister. Whoever it is must agree to keep the children together, and not parcel them out to the other relatives. You're right, the first choice should be to keep the children with family. Just think of all the loving support they would need if they were to lose you both at the same time. Extended families are best for this.

Answer 5

We've gone through it so I can give you some of the things that we considered. We also chose not to go with the grandparents (due to age). My brother and sister aren't married yet, and my sis is just starting out in her career and my bro has about a year worth of college left so they were both out. My hubby has two sister who are both married with kids. One isn't the same religion as us and the other is. Also the one who isn't lives in a much more rural area and they involve their kids in activities that we would rather our children not participate in (nothing bad, just like snowmobile racing and hunting, just things we don't do). The sis who is the same religions as us lives close to his parents and ours so they could still be very involved with the kids. And her kids ages are all within months of our kids ages so they'll be well matched. And their parenting style is pretty close to ours so those were all things that made us feel comfortable in choosing them. Good luck, its an important, though hard, decision. You certainly don't want to have people fighting over them after your gone and have a judge decide.

Answer 6

I think this is a very good question and something my husband and I struggled with. I didn't want my son to go to the grandparents either for several reasons. My husband was more on the side of they have to be financially set. But none of our family is financially well off. And I really wanted it to be a family member so that my son will grow up knowing his family. We finally decided it was best for my husbands brother and his wife. But now a year later they are talking divorce and I don't know what we are going to do. This is a very difficult decision and I wish you the best.

Answer 7

Hopefully you will never need to rely on these arrangements, but we had a family here in our neighborhood that both parents did die. What a tragedy. I personally feel that blood is best. The aunt you describe sounds like the ideal choice, especially if your children are familiar with them and they live nearby. The children would be especially yearning for "family" in the event of your demise. If you have wishes about child rearing preferences, such as schooling or religious education, make that clearly known and a family member would certainly try hard to make that happen. Be sure you talk to the designated person before putting them on your will. Make sure it is okay with them first. Good for you for taking care of this unpleasantness.

Answer 8

Mandy,
You can specify in your wills your requests as to who will be legal guardians of your minor children. After you pass away this will be affirmed by the probate court judge (hopefully). It is also necessary for the person you appoint as guardian to accept this responsibility.

You wishes in the will could still be contested by other relatives and overturned by the judge, so you should be very specific and get your wills drawn up by a real attorney, not a 'do-it-yourself' or online fill-in-the-blank will.

You can also specify that certain assets, which will be inherited by the children, be controlled by the childrens' guardians or by different persons - so the financial assets can be controlled by a trustee. This can be done through what is called a "testamentary trust".

I've had friends who planned on using their relatives for guardianship, but asked me to be the kid's financial trustee until they were 21. (They didn't trust the relatives with the money....) This could even be a corporate trustee or attorney.

Everything above has to go through probate court after you die, and can still be contested by unhappy relatives.

Finally, I applaud you & your husband for thinking ahead.

Answer 9

Personally, I would lean toward the people who would love and raise the child as similarly to the way I would have. However, you raise an excellent point - distance is an issue. I would not want to separate my children from the bulk of their friends & family after a crisis such as this. Therefore, I would want to find the best match among willing candidates who would be able to maintain the family bonds my child already has.

Answer 10

We picked my cousin and his wife who never had any kids. They were the people who treated our kids the best when they were around them. Even though they lived 5 states away, they would come and visit a couple times a year and spend more time with my kids than my brother who lived 20 miles away. He would hardly speak a word to my kids and I think they almost thought he was a stranger even though he has kids. They were not even close to my kids, having very different interests.
My cousin joked once that if everyone died that willed their kids to them they would have about 20 kids. They are really special people. He is also my husband's best lifelong friend.
Luckily my kids grew up and that is all behind us and now we have to make up a new will for them.
Good luck on your choice.