Parents paying for hotel room for adult son?

Question

My SIL (husband's brother's wife) invited my husband and I up for a weekend and visit a few wineries in the area. It's a 4 hour drive for us, and we're stopping to pick up my in-laws on the way so they can watch our 2 little nieces while the four of us go for an overnight.

At first, I thought this was a great idea, but now I am having real issues with it. 3 weeks after she asked, my SIL called to say she checked hotel prices and they couldn't afford to go. (She wants to stay in a very fancy resort - rooms start at $175 and that's a fold out bed). I guess she also told my MIL, because a day later, I got another call from SIL saying my ILs were paying for their room & the trip was back on. My MIL called us and said they'd pay for our room too, which neither my husband nor I agree with. We're in our 30s and feel we should pay for our own hotel rooms. But she didn't want us to say anything to BIL because it would make them feel bad. I just don't know what to do or say!

I should mention that my BIL has a decent job but my SIL is a SAHM. They're very involved in their church and apparently contribute a lot of time and money to that. I'm not judging them for how they spend their money, but I don't think they should take money from my ILs.

My husband doesn't want to say anything because he thinks it will just make his parents defensive and it won't accomplish anything, but I really feel like his brother is taking advantage of the situation.

My ILs do a LOT for my BIL and SIL, and they'd do the same for us if we had kids. However, I think they're enabling them too much and shouldn't have to pay for a fancy hotel if their son can't afford it on his own.

My ILs aren't going on the overnight trip - they're staying home to watch the girls. Only my SIL, BIL, me and my husband are going. And I know parents want to give things to their children, but my ILs are already paying for the shore house this summer and I don't think I'd be comfortable spending $200 of their money on a night in a hotel.

Oh, and wen I did mention something to my MIL that my SIL might want to check before she suggests something, my MIL said, "Oh well, they're remodeling the bathroom too, so they're running out of money and they need a break."

I guess it just bugs me because my husband and I have a lot of pride and we don't do thing that we can't afford, nor do we ask anyone else to pay for us. But I guess my BIL and SIL feel entitled because they have 2 children and we don't have any. Everyone assumes we have all this free time and disposable income because we don't have kids yet, but that's just not the case.

Answer 1

What I don't get is, why did she book the trip in the first place if she didn't have money for the hotel? That makes no sense. I agree with you. It almost sounds like she is taking advantage.

Answer 2

They offered to pay for you and your husbands' room too. You turned them down. I say you can't say anything about that one.

Having said that...
Now as for taking money form your parents when you're an adult, I do disagree with it and generally don't do it. IMO the kids at that point should be trying to look out for the parents. It is sometimes hard not to say something to people you feel are taking advange, especially when they are siblings. The only time when it is really appropriate to say something is if they demand money from the parents, it is excessive (paying house payments and giving hundreds of dollars in allowance money*), or the parents are going under trying to support them.

*I know a situation like this, but they aren't family, so I stay out of it and keep my opinion to myself.

If I am in the financial position years down the road when the kids grow up, I will try and continue to do things for my kids as long as I'm able. I'd offer to pay for a trip together, offer to pay for a meal together, etc. I don't see anything wrong with this now and then or as often as I am able. I only have a problem when it becomes more like supporting them and they rely on me rather than make the effort to get a job, etc.

On the other side of things again, it is tacky if your SIL and her husband are always talking about how much money they don't have, but insist on trying to spend lots of money, go out all the time, talk to the parents about how little money they have , etc. I don't know that that is something you should point out unless your in laws confide in you and your husband that they feel pressured to do it and they don't want to. It is tacky, but your in laws are willing and seemingly eager participants.

So I guess you've got to sort out whether it is your in laws well being you're concerned about or your jealousy that your SIL is getting tons of stuff and you aren't. The first is legit and the second, you just have to get over even though it gets under your skin.

Answer 3

My 1st cousins are old enough to be my kids and they often hang out with my son. Whenever I invite my cousins somewhere, I always pay for them. When the kids get hungry and I can't afford to pay for their meal, I ask, "Do you have any money? Cuz I'm kinda short on cash." So instead of taking the kids out to eat, I now pack snacks & sandwiches and beverages to take with us, to avoid us going out to eat. It is cheaper that way. If they do not like what I've brought, then it's tough cookies for them and more for me :P As for your situation, the parents of your son's friend should have informed you at the same time that they invited your son to Disney about all the fees involved before you made the decision of allowing your son to go. But some people do not think the same way as others, therefore, feelings get hurt and it creates misunderstandings. Just like if there is a field trip planned at my son's school, there is a letter announcement and a consent form saying where the trip is going to be, along with any admission fees. Solution: Be the bigger person and write an apology note to your son's friend's parents. Keep it short and brief. An example would be, "Dear Mr & Mrs.____, I apologize about the huge misunderstanding that was created between all of us. I do not want Joey & Matt's friendship to be affected by this. We appreciate that you were thoughtful and invited Joey to Disney. If I had known about all the costs in advance regarding the trip, at the same time of the invitation, I would have made a wiser decision then, as to whether or not he could go. Unfortunately, our current financial status can only pay for __,__,___ at this time. I hope we can all work something out for our kids' sake. If not, I hope that everyone has a great time at Disney." Best Regards, (your name)

Answer 4

Calebs explanation is good. Just treat your ILs good and dont worry how they treat others (well or not). It is tantamount to jealousy. If I were you, just accept graciously and thank them. Give them a treat in return next time. This is the way family should run. Its better than most families who are really calculative and hardly contact at all. To the extent of cousins who have never met. Thats pathetic. Lets put it this way, if your ILs cant afford, they wouldnt have given you the treat. There are many ways you can return that generousity. It would make a great happy family. The old tradditional goodness is back. Dont let this little thingy cloud your holiday. Mothers and Fathers Day is coming. You know what to do in return. Cheers.

Answer 5

Go on the trip. Don't mention the money situation to the BIL/SIL. Decline the ILs' offer to pay for your room. If they absolutely insist, accept the offer, and do something nice for them in the future.

Answer 6

Don't discuss the financial arrangements with the SIL, it can only cause bad feelings. Discuss it with the MIL, and you can politely say, "no thanks, that is so generous, we can pay, we are just so happy to get to spend time with our family."
MIL probably felt she had to offer to pay your way, to avoid hard feelings from you, she might think that you would feel that she is playing favorites. . It might be a relief for her, if you turn her down, nicely. Decide what to do in advance, in case she insists.
If SIL has anything to say about your financial situation, or arrangement with MIL, say the same thing, it doesn't matter, we just want to spend the time with you.

Answer 7

It's up to your in-laws if they want to support your BIL and SIL. I don't agree with it, but it's their money so there's not much you can do.

My husband's sister and her husband lived with his parents rent-free for a year or so both before and after they got married. His parents thought it was nice to be able to "help the kids." My reaction - they aren't kids. They fed, clothed, and housed them for about 2 years total. They both have jobs, and if they could curb their spending/credit card habits they'd be able to support themselves just fine. His parents were enabling them to continue to be irresponsible and keeping them from really growing up. But - it's their money, and if they want to use it to support their grown son and his wife, no one can tell them not to.

I wouldn't take money from the ILs if I were you. It may make them feel better about catering to one child if they do the same for both, but it obviously makes you uncomfortable. I don't think they are doing your BIL any favors by helping him pay for something which is obviously not a necessity. If they came on hard times, and needed groceries, that'd be one thing, but a $175/night resort is not a necessity. If they can't afford it, they shouldn't go.

Maybe you can encourage your SIL to find a cheaper hotel, or change or put off the trip until such time as they can afford it. If it makes you feel that uncomfortable, call them and explain that you don't want the plans to put them under any financial stress, and you'd love to come visit but cut out the overnight trip. I understand where you're coming from, and I'd be uncomfortable too.

Answer 8

You and I agree in our thinking of how things SHOULD be. However, you will just have to let it go and let your ILs do what they want. My parents were the same way. Anything for the siblings with children. I think people sometimes go nuts when they become grandparents.

If I were you and felt this way, I would not make any other plans with them. Your SIL is just like mine. She knows she can anything she wants from the ILs. There was never anything I could do about it either and these ILs were MY parents.

Good luck to you. This will go on forever.

Answer 9

No one's perfect and it is best just to let people do their own thing.I don't think it's right either and I commend you for not accepting the gift of a hotel room.You must know that you were offered the room because the parents want to be fair.

Alot of times I find I get upset about something only to find there was a missing detail of importance I didn't know about and understand later.

Be concerned and ask if there is anything more they need and if they are going through a hard time be there.Even responsible, well to do people have difficult times.

Answer 10

First off, I would usggest that you do NOT bring this up with your husband or any of your Inlaws, the last thing you want to do is to be seen as butting into "family business"

It is kind of a parental instinct to want to provide your your children, even if they are grown. I'm 35, married and on my own, my parents still shop like I live with them and insist on sending food my way because they don't trust me to shop for myself.

As far as your Inlaws feel, it is a win-win situation. Your BIL and SIL get to go on the trip and your Inlaws get to spend time with their grandchildren (which ALL grandparents love to do). They seem willing to come out of pocket to do it.

I wouldn't raise any issue unless your Inlaws were financially strapped and paying for the hotel would put a hurting on them. If they are willing to pay for it, I would let is pass.

Answer 11

They made this your business by telling you about the issue. It sounds like your in-laws want you to validate their decisions by taking their money. Don't do it. I respect your position not to take their money and you should take pride in it. I would feel the same way.

If they push you on this then tell them that you don't want to have anything to do with it... its not like their having a problem paying the electric bill. HOWEVER, telling you about it (and trying to include you in it) prevents you from doing just that.

Tell them that in the future that they need to keep these things between themselves or else you are going to tell them exactly what you think. DON'T tell them what you think about this situation now. Just simply get the message across that you don't like being included... and that you define included as simply knowing about it. Save the specifics for the next situation.

In fact, I'll bet they already know what they did wrong and if you spelled it out for them you would only be giving them an opportunity to argue. Being coy has its virtue. With any luck they'll get the message and keep these things to themselves in the future.

Good luck.