My Son is turning 4 when should I tell him that his father is not his real father.?

Question

His real father lives in another continent than us.He chooses not to pay maintenance and only want to send presents and be involve with the good things.He is rude and call me and my husband names and he doenst seem to care for what is best for my son.My husband is a true father for my son and loves him very much and treats him as his own.My son is starting to call him Daddy sometimes.Everyone should have a Daddy..what do I do?

Answer 1

Your present husband can still be his "Daddy" but it's so important that your son has the truth. You don't have to make a big deal of it right now, just work something into the conversation about his biological father. For example, say there's something on tv about New York City and so you say, "oh, that's such a big city. That's where your biological father once lived." Insert this casually into the conversation occasionally and wait for him to ask a question.

I understand your reluctance to bring up his biological father because I was a child in that situation. My biological father was a no-good man but my step-father was wonderful. I called my stepfather "Daddy" and then "Dad" and refererred to my biological one as my real dad. However, my love was for my "Dad". When I became an adult my real father visited me and then I saw that he wasn't someone I wanted to be around and no way did I have the love for him that I did for my "Dad".

Answer 2

Does your son have any recollection of his biological father? If he does than you should establish two separate names to distinguish which father is which. If he knows there is another "father" and I use the term loosely for the sperm donor, by the time he is old enough to understand what that means, it will be old hat to him and not such a big deal. If he doesn't remember him, you might want to introduce a couple of pictures of the s.d. and tell your son that is daddy number 2 or some other distinguishing name. He'll probably ask a couple of questions the first time he hears, like where is he. In which case you answer truthfully saying he is far, far away. He will soon satisfy his initial curiosity but it won't be a shock to him when he understands he was abandoned by his biological donor. I hope this helps.

Answer 3

First of all be careful of the way you describe your husband. To imply that he is not the "real" daddy is not realistic. He is very REAL. I think since your son is only 4, you may want to wait another year or so, or even longer, so that he can begin to understand what you are telling him. When you do tell him, describe his biological father as his birth father, and your husband, is still a father/parent to him.

You may want to look into some adoption books on this subject. Very similar situation to when adoptive couples explain about birthparents to their adoptive child. Again, be careful of the word real father, afterall, I am sure everything he has done for your son thus far has been VERY REAL.

Answer 4

I would tell him now. My niece was told at 10 and it was very upsetting for her. Even though her step-dad had raised her she felt she had been lied to for a long time, and she had, for a good reason, but I still think they should be told from a young age, he may not fully understand but it will not be so shocking either. Almost every TV show, even a lot of kids movies have divorced parents in them, he may understand more than you think.

Just tell him that your current husband has chosen to be his dad and that is really wonderful, he does it because he wants to and because he loves him. Its absolutely fine he calls your husband daddy, he is.

There is a book called "Little Miss Spider" (there are a few different ones, its that title that has the following)

"For finding your mother (father in his case) there's one certain test, you must look for the creature who loves you the best" that sums it up very well I think. Its a great book about being raised by someone other than the person who helped create you.

Answer 5

I know it's a scary thought but you run the risk of having some one else start hurting his feelings. My niece (not real niece my brother is her step-dad but we love her as part of the family) is only 5 years old. She calls my brother dad, me aunt, my parents are her grandparents. So this is the only family she knows but yet we had a mean person come tell her that he was not her father and that this other man was and showed her a pic. of him. Ever since then she has so many questions like, why is my last name different, why does my sister have a mold and I don't? They are little but that does not mean that they don't understand nor that they don't have feelings. Just explain that this is his daddy but that there is another daddy out there that also sends him gifts but you will explain that to him another day when he gets older and understands this way he will start preparing himself and no one else will catch him off guard. Good luck!

Answer 6

I would wait to see if he asks any questions about it {some kids are strange like that, I always asked my mom if she was my real mom when I was 6 and 7 years old} otherwise wait until he's about 13 or 14 years old and understands what drugs can do to a person and then explain to him that you wanted better for him, thats why you left and his dad {your husband} loved him as his own child and wanted to raise him and be a daddy to him and support him if he wants to find his real father and don't bad talk his father either because then he's going to have bad feeling towards you.

Answer 7

Hello there, i had almost the same problem but it just that my son dad is not in he life at all. i think that as a mom we would want our kids to know who their real father but on the other hand you would want to give your husband some credit for loving your son as his own. i feel like you should not tell him unless in the furture he asks you. if your husband don't have a problem that your son calling him dad then it should be fine because that what i do with my son. i feel that who ever love the kid then just let them be the dad now day it don't really matter anymore who the dad.

Answer 8

a daddy is someone that is there for u and helps u thru everything. a father is someone that donates his sperm and his time when feels the need... now remember that when u tell ur son who is his dad...u should wait until ur son is old enough to understand the whole story so he can look at u and tell u that his stepdad is his daddy... just cause a man made him does not mean hes a dad

Answer 9

You should tell him as soon as possible, because he's bound to hear it from someone in his life. It's better that it comes from you than from anyone else. Your situation is somewhat similar to an adoption, so you might want to tell him that he has a birth father, and a Daddy. His father was the one that helped him grow in your tummy, and his Daddy is the one that really loves him and will always take care of him.

Answer 10

Many years from now, like at age 18 I'd tell him. Otherwise he might play the "real" dad card and pit you and your hubby against his "real" Dad. The old "if I don't get my way I'll go live with my real Daddy" kind of thing is what he might try. It happens all the time.

The man that insults you and your spouse is just the sperm donor. If he doesn't pay and likes to play Santa with the gift giving, he's not going to have anything positive to add to your sons life.

I vote for keeping your hubby as Daddy and let the other one fade into the sunset. You son has a great father in your husband, I'd leave that alone.

There is a special place in heaven for a man that raises another mans child as his own. You are truly blessed.