I've been dating a guy for almost two months. We are long distance, and he kept saying that he has something important to tell me in person. He broke the news to me today that he has an ex-wife and two daughters. They live in another state, but he sees his kids at least once a month. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach, and I have no idea what to do. I am only 21 and he is 25, this is so much baggage for such a new relationship. He said that he waited to tell me because he wanted to give us a chance, because a lot of women have been scared off in the past the second he told them about his kids. I really care about him, he makes me laugh and I feel so happy with him, but i almost feel like the trust in our relationship has been damaged. What should I do, I am so confussed right now?
2007-05-02 07:19:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
BTW...he told me about his ex-wife but he only told me that she was his ex-girlfriend and they had moved in together after school. So he blatantly left out facts...
2007-05-02 07:26:26 · update #1
Did he ever lie and say he didn't have kids or an ex-wife?
If not then he didn't violate your trust.
Does someone like that have to advertise that fact on the first date?
At least he told you what was going on, and it probably took a while since it was a long distance relationship.
2007-05-02 07:23:00 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
You never had a problem with him before.
So what's the problem now? It's not like he's cheating on you. Or lying and denying it (HE'S actually the one that brought it up, give him some credit) He just has to see 2 people a month. What's the big deal?
How would you feel if you married this guy, had kids, for some reason got divorced. The next boyfriend you get breaks up as soon as you walk up and say "I have 2 kids". You know that's not going to seem fair, so you think about keeping that fact away from the next person.
Why? Because if they like you so much without having kids, there's nothing different about your personality when you do have the kids.
Don't ask whether the kids are a problem. Ask whether you could have dealt with staying with him before he told you that. If the answer's yes, then you have nothing to worry about.
2007-05-02 07:33:40 · answer #2 · answered by Rodney D 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
i dont think he is untrustworthy. i UNDERSTAND him. if you told a guy you just met you were divorced and had 2 kids then he'd probably run the other way. the whole time he was WANTING to tell you, but he really liked you so he wanted to kind of test you. to see if you really like him that much (now that you know him better) that you'd stay with him even after hearing this. it's obvious he really likes you. yeah, it's a little freaky, but i think you should understand his motives at least. tell him that you're shocked and just kind of take things slow. no pressure. i would get to know him a little more before you make a rash decision. you probably wont find a relationship that's like a fairy tale, unicorns, prince charming, white castle scenario. keep that in mind. i think he just got married too young and made a mistake. he may not be a terrible guy. but you gotta learn more about him to really know.
2007-05-02 07:27:28 · answer #3 · answered by Manda 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you are being silly.
Many people have kids and are divorced. It’s not like he was cheating on you with another woman.
Do you have ex boyfriends? Did you kiss a guy or worse before you met your current boyfriend?
Should he be mad because you held another guys hands a few years ago?
No you are just being silly.
A lot of women have this weird thing about a guy who has had a relationship in the past. Not all guys can be happy virgins.
You have to understand that your relationship with him is unique and not like his relationship with his ex-wife was, nor your relationships with any of your exes.
You are overreacting and possibly throwing away something that could become the best thing in your life.
2007-05-02 07:25:54 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I guess from your question that the children are still minors but live somewhere other than with their mother. A custodial parent can provide for the children in any number of ways. The traditional way is to live with the children and use the child support to simply increase the income and thus the quality of life of the familly. However, I suppose it can be done in other ways so long as it is not unlawful. For instance, if the children were lawfully living with friends, for a while, the custodial parent could support them financially. One might also legitimately decide to live cheaply in order to save money for college in the future. I guess the point is that if your BF wants to stop paying support, it is up to him to apply to the court, not to the enforcement agency but to the court, to modify the order for support. Such a motion is ordinarily based on a "change of circumstances." The change in your case would be the living arrangements of the two kids. It is not up the ex to take steps to stop the payments, and the enforcement agency has no authority to stop the obligation on its own. The person who wants the change must apply to the court for the change.
2016-05-18 23:24:46 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Imagine how his two kids feel? They're little and need him. Has his ex found someone else? I'm sorry to say this, I know it's not your fault because you didn't know...but really families need to work harder at staying together! If you were to have kids someday think how much that will hurt his daughters. It will be a big messy situation. I do hope he is paying child support. That is one sign that he is a good father. If it were me I would tell him to go back to his ex and work it out and I would find someone else that doesn't save the "big stuff" till so far into the relationship! God Bless!
2007-05-02 07:31:36 · answer #6 · answered by QuantumB 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
He told you the truth, so the trust has not been damaged.
It is up to you to decide what you want, are you willing to keep dating him and meeting his ex and his children, and then can you see the future and have his kids call you their step-mom, and they might rebel, because they will think that you are trying to take their mom's place.
And then the ex, might be jealous and start to cause trouble, and say mean things about you, and you are young, are you ready to be a mommie to kids yet? You have your whole future ahead of you!
Then when you do have kids with your boyfriend, then his kids might be jealous and so might the ex.
Yes, it is a lot to think about, and some people can handle it, but can you???
2007-05-02 07:40:56 · answer #7 · answered by carriegreen13 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Forget it being baggage for the relationship--think of it this way: do you really want a man who would hide the fact that he has children? I mean, I tell the whole world about my son. You don't want to be with somebody who is ashamed of his children.
2007-05-02 07:23:47 · answer #8 · answered by spelling nazi 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is too much baggage for you to carry. Move on, and wish him well. be careful that he does not get you to do something that you already know is not going to work by giving you a sob story. He will have to work out his life in his own way and not dump this kind of responsibility on a young girl like you. You are vulnerable, and don't be manipulated by guilt. Good luck.
2007-05-02 07:30:52 · answer #9 · answered by Alfie333 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well I think he should of been honest with you from the beginning no matter how woman responded to his situation. You really need to think about this because you are sooo young and he has a lot of baggage. So it's up to you to decide
2007-05-02 07:24:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋