To R&S regulars, I have a wedding question. (Pagans, heathens, atheists please respond)?

Question

My husband and I received a wedding invite. His cousin is getting married. We have been invited to the rehearsal dinner. This includes a message asking us to prepare to present a scripture, poem/writing, or tried-and-true advice on marriage. These will be read at the rehearsal.

Now--I understand this is their wedding and they can be as religious as they want. But as most of you know, I am atheist and really cannot stand public speaking. I have no desire to be called on to present, nor do I really care to sit and listen to a bible study. I want to celebrate this couples wedding and wish them happiness in their life together. But IMO, this is not an appropriate time for a sermon.

They are also having a full pledge of faith and congregation communion at the wedding--which always makes us feel awkward to remain sitting.

I'm wondering if we should change our minds about going. Would you go and not participate? Or go and slip out during the bible study part? What would you do?

And no--I dont have the ability to just present a bible quote and pray together when I don't believe. It feels too hypocritical. I have too much integrity for that. And if I refuse to pray aloud, you get asked why--and I dont want to make a big deal about my lack of belief at their wedding. Especially those who do not believe in "God" (but have a spiritualiality)--what would you do here?

Thanks for all these great answers--I guess I should have mentioned I dont actually know this couple. My husband has over 50 cousins--most of which I met on our wedding day. So they don't have any idea of my beliefs, nor do I necessarily love and care for them. But thank you for all the suggestions. You guys are great.

Answer 1

I would attend, because I would want to support the couple, even if I didn't share their beliefs. I would also probably stand out of respect for the couple, but not participate in any singing or liturgy or communion.

There are readings that you can offer that are sound marital advice, but are not Christian (or even Spiritual) in nature.

A recommendation:

Apache Wedding Prayer

Now you will feel no rain,
For each of you will be shelter to the other.

Now you will feel no cold,
For each of you will be warmth to the other.

Now there is no more loneliness,
For each of you will be companion to the other.

Now you are two bodies,
But there is one life before you.

Go now to your dwelling place,
To enter into the days of your togetherness.
And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

Answer 2

I've been to a number of weddings where I wasn't a member of the wedding party's faith. I never ran into an issue - though I suppose it depends upon how "rabid" the bride & groom's faith is.

For the pledge of faith & prayer thing, just stay silent. There's a good chance that most folks won't even notice. Communion, stay seated, or if they pass it around, just pass it along - most folks don't get too worked up over that.

The public speaking part... that's a bit harder. Some secular advice seems best - but if you're really uncomfortable with it, ask if you can bow out of that part. After all, it's their wedding, sure... but if they respect the fact that you hate public speaking, you might be able to dodge the bullet there.

Answer 3

I would go and not participate. The idea behind a wedding is to make your vows with the full support of the people you love. This and only this is why Christians can attend Hindu weddings, Jews can go to Buddhist ceremonies, etc. It's about them, being with those they love. Sometimes our beliefs make us feel awkward, but what's the point of having an idea if you're not willing to stand (or in this case, remain seated) for it? Your very presence is your support, and they'll appreciate that. I'm sure they'll know your feelings if you're close enough to be invited to the rehersal dinner, so don't worry too much over that. As it comes to a reading, read a poem about love or a witty one liner. There are hundreds of non-religious things you can say to show your love and support of your friends. May I reccomend an Irish Blessing? Most of them date to pre-Christian days, so they don't mention God, but make everyone feel good. Plus they're short and fun, and should help you avoid your stage fright in groups. Don't pray, don't bow your head, but lower your eyes out of respect. Not for the faith, but for your friends faith. This is something that's important to them, and therefor worthy of your respect, even if you disagree. If this is going to be a problem for anyone, take the Bride aside, days beforehand not the day of, and tell her about your feelings and that you respect and love her, but you don't want to be forced to read something of religion you don't participate in. If she balks, ask her if she would make a Jew read from the New Testament, or if she would rather have them read something meaningful and respectful to all.

In all, remember that this day, and the dinner beforehand is all about the couple. It's a dream, a fantasy for most people. Do your best to respect that, and yourself. Don't do anything that makes you balk, but understand that they deserve a little lee way on this special day. Take things with a grain of salt, be a big person, they'll thank you for it afterwards I promise.

Answer 4

I would go, present a short poem about love, and sit through the rest. Then, I would go to the wedding, and just not do the communion part. That is what I always do. I don't feel awkward about it. You won't be the only one who doesn't do the church thing. People never ask why I'm not praying because it's probably pretty obvious.

It just isn't a big deal. Seriously, I think you can sit through one "Bible study".

Answer 5

I think you should go... I, too, am an atheist and I would go. Here's why and how:

They couple invited you to share in their happiness and if you care about them (I'm only assuming you do), you should want to participate in their happiness regardless what they are doing to celebrate it (unless they are sacrificing virgins to a fire god, then I'd skip it).

Prepare a funny story about how you and your husband had a difference and got passed it with love and cooperation because you believe in each other. Present it together so you can provide each other with moral support. Short, sweet and to the point. Then sit and politely listen to the other presenters, even if it is religious.

It's all about celebrating the marriage of your husband's cousin, not who believes what. I'd probably start writing my grocery shopping list while the others are reciting bible passages because their bible doesn't interest me in the slightest, but at least I'd be there helping them celebrate their union.

I don't have to agree with someone's religious beliefs to help them celebrate. That's a problem with many religions (Jehovah's Witnesses, for example). They are not allowed to help someone with a different belief system celebrate anything. As an atheist, it doesn't matter to me. I like a party as much as the next person, religious beliefs and all. LOL!

If you really can't get up and speak, then just ask the couple if you can abstain from a presentation because you don't like public speaking. They should be okay with that as long as you can be there to help them celebrate.

Answer 6

as far as the presenting of a scripture, poem/writing, or tried-and-true advice on marriage, no don't use a scripture it would not be you, lean towards the advice or maybe a personal learning experience you had you could turn into advice.

as far as the rest even I don't see any reason why you should not bow out of the communion this is purely a ceremony of remembrance, but ask the preacher if you are not sure so not to offend. but I would not participate in a communion service of another doctrinally church in any way, if that helps

Answer 7

I feel the same way as you. I would not go. I've gone to things like this in the past (and I do not take communion just because everyone else in my row does because I feel it is hypocritical if I don't believe) and I think it will just be a mess for you. Can you join them after the wedding? Are they having any type of reception?

I would not go to the rehearsal dinner or the ceremony. If they aren't having a formal reception after the ceremony, invite the happy couple out to dinner one night (on you) after their honeymoon. Just explain that you didn't want your religious beliefs to become an issue on their special day.

Good luck! :)

Answer 8

Just tell them to love and respect each other. That wouldn't hurt for marital advice would it? As for the ceremony- I'm Christian and I went to a Catholic wedding where the presented flowers to Mary and prayed to her. I do not believe this practice is right, however, my love for this couple transended the discomfort of sitting there. Just skip the communion, no one will care or even notice.

Answer 9

On the one hand it's their wedding. On the other hand it sort of sucks that they're sort of forcing their religious doctrine onto everyone. I would just politely explain that performing religious rituals makes you feel uncomfortable and see if you can't come up with some type of compromise. Perhaps you simply don't take communion or perhaps it's not looked poorly upon if you skip the entire religious part. It doesn't hurt to ask.

Answer 10

There are some lovely non-religious poems you could read instead. It would show them that expressions of love are not confined to the religious. Give me a minute or so and I'll sort some out for you.

Here you go:

Paint the Colour of my Love
by David Foster & Arthur Janov

I’ll paint a sun to warm your heart
Knowing that we’ll never part.
I’ll draw the years all passing by
So much to learn, so much to try.

I’ll paint my mood in shadow blue,
Paint my soul to be with you.
I’ll sketch your lips in shaded tones,
Draw your mouth to my own.

I’ll trace a hand to wipe your tears
And trace a look to calm your fears.
A silhouette of dark and light
To hold each other oh so tight.

I’ll paint the stars in the evening sky,
Draw the light into your eyes,
A touch of love, a touch of grace,
To softly fall on your moonlit face.

And with this ring our lives will start,
Let nothing keep our love apart.
I’ll take your hand to hold in mine,
And be together through all time.

========================

O Tell Me The Truth About Love
by W.H. Auden

Some say love’s a little boy,
And some say it’s a bird,
Some say it makes the world go around,
Some say that’s absurd,
And when I asked the man next-door,
Who looked as if he knew,
His wife got very cross indeed,
And said it wouldn’t do.

Does it look like a pair of pyjamas,
Or the ham in a temperance hotel?
Does its odour remind one of llamas,
Or has it a comforting smell?
Is it prickly to touch as a hedge is,
Or soft as eiderdown fluff?
Is it sharp or quite smooth at the edges?
O tell me the truth about love.

Our history books refer to it
In cryptic little notes,
It’s quite a common topic on
The Transatlantic boats;
I’ve found the subject mentioned in
Accounts of suicides,
And even seen it scribbled on
The backs of railway guides.

Does it howl like a hungry Alsatian,
Or boom like a military band?
Could one give a first-rate imitation
On a saw or a Steinway Grand?
Is its singing at parties a riot?
Does it only like Classical stuff?
Will it stop when one wants to be quiet?
O tell me the truth about love.

I looked inside the summer-house;
It wasn’t over there;
I tried the Thames at Maidenhead,
And Brighton’s bracing air.
I don’t know what the blackbird sang,
Or what the tulip said;
But it wasn’t in the chicken-run,
Or underneath the bed.

Can it pull extraordinary faces?
Is it usually sick on a swing?
Does it spend all its time at the races,
or fiddling with pieces of string?
Has it views of its own about money?
Does it think Patriotism enough?
Are its stories vulgar but funny?
O tell me the truth about love.

When it comes, will it come without warning
Just as I’m picking my nose?
Will it knock on my door in the morning,
Or tread in the bus on my toes?
Will it come like a change in the weather?
Will its greeting be courteous or rough?
Will it alter my life altogether?
O tell me the truth about love.