Child ruined my daughter's new toy...?

Question

The 5 year old my mother has custody of ruined my 15 month old daughter's brand-new toy. She isn't even supposed to be PLAYING with my daughter's toys because: 1) my daughter is a preemie and isn't supposed to be sharing toys with other kids right now, 2) the toy was clearly for a 15 month old and not a 5 year old, and 3) the child breaks EVERYTHING, even her own toys purposely. My mother let her play with it, without my knowledge, when I have repeatedly asked my mother that the child NOT play with my daughter's toys. This is the last straw for me! I can buy another toy, that's not the problem...it's just that I'm fed up with feeling like a ***** when I ask my mother (who KNOWS and admits that this child is like this) to please keep her away from my daughter's stuff. I even bought specific toys for the child to play with when she comes over.
Do I just say NOTHING and buy toy after toy when she breaks them? Do I have a right to say something at this point?

First of all, thanks to EVERYONE who answered--even those who didn't listen or answered with assumptions.

I'm not uptight and actually one of the most laid-back people ever, but my daughter is a PREEMIE and I WILL protect her health no matter what, and if that means that I have to be "uptight" by not letting kids play with her stuff, then so be it.
I have no dislike for the child my mom is caring for. None at all, actually. She's my cousin and I adore her, but she's a VERY destructive child. It's a fact, and even my mother admits that.
Also, my mother does NOT babysit my daughter...and yes, there are issues here that have caused that and I won't get into it here.
I can't just BAN my mother and the child from coming over EVER...I'm not like that.
And...what else...I was going to add some other things but I forget. Hmm...let me think and I'll be back.

Ok, also...I don't live with my mother and haven't for 8 years. I'm a grown, married woman with two children and we have our own home.

I really think most of you gave some good advice so far. I feel like I should have said or done something RIGHT away, but I didn't because I was SO upset and I knew I needed to cool off first. Now it's been 2 days and I feel like saying something NOW will only cause more conflict. =/ I don't want to cause conflict, I just want my mom's child to STOP playing with my daughter's toys and it's not the child's fault at ALL...it's my mom's fault for not being a responsible parent and teaching the child better. =/

By the way, once again I'll say it: My daughter is a preemie...THAT is why I'm being extra careful about germs and the likes.
Also, I AM NOT mad at the CHILD! I'm upset with my MOM for not respecting my rules in my own home. I didn't get upset with the child at ALL. It's not her fault, it's my mom's for not being a more effective parent.

I usually DO put away my daughter's toys when we're expecting company...but we weren't expecting my mom and cousin to drop by...and they do that every once in a while...so I didn't have time to do anything. Plus, I felt it would look rude to run around grabbing toys and throwing them into another room real quick.

People, the child BROKE the toy! She didn't just "slobber" on it! And honestly, that's not even the issue here! I can BUY a new toy, no problem at all. It's the fact that my mother refuses to respect my rules in my own home.

Answer 1

No!! Definitely say something!!! She's your mom so you should feel fine telling her to replace it and telling her to not let her play with her toys anymore!!

Answer 2

I can understand the frustration you must be feeling. What are the circumstances surrounding the child your mother has custody of? I am going to suspect that she has been removed from her biological parents due to some type of abuse or neglect. While many 5 year olds are able to understand and follow directions, children who have grown up with little adult guidance in a troubled home need extra help to reach that level. Perhaps she has some jealousy when your mom is with your daughter. I do not have a preemie of my own, but I have been a child care provider in my home for 20 years and have cared for several preemies. I have not had to be careful concerning toy sharing with them, so I am guessing your daughter may have some more serious complications like an immature immune system. If your mom and the little girl are there regularly when you aren't home you will only be able to control some of the situation. Putting your daughter's good toys away when the child is there may be a good place to start. Even if you buy some toys for the 5 year old to play with when she is at your house, there will be times when your daughter may want what she has and times when the 5 year old will want what your daughter has. It sounds like you have talked with your mom a lot and that really isn't working, so you'll need to make some hard decisions. A child of her age breaking toys on purpose has some issues to work through and should probably be receiving some type of professional counseling.

Answer 3

If speaking with your mom isn't helping any and she won't stop the child from playing with the toys, you should put all your daughters things away before they come to visit and make them "off limits" for their entire stay at your home. I would leave out the toys that the other child can play with but put everything else away and close the door or closet to where ever you put them. And I would let your mom know that this is what your new rule is in your home as long as she and the child are there visiting. It's your house and you have to politely find a way to enforce your rules on playing with your daughters toys. And speak directly with the child also. Let her know if she can't obey the rules then she will lose the privilege of playing with ANY of the toys at all, even the ones you designated for her to play with. I'm sure she wouldn't want to come visit you and just sit there the whole time. She may actually get the point and behave. At least at your house. And if you have to get firm with your mother about it then by all means do so. It is your home and your daughters health your protecting.

Answer 4

I've worked with children in a professional setting for more than a decade. I'm not sure what your mother's view of discipline is although it's clearly not effective and your dealing with her isn't producing the needed result. It's time to take control. Instead of going through your mother you need to deal directly with the child. First thing when the child arrives, have the toys seperated into what she can play with and what she can't. Walk her through which toys she can play with, and which are off limits. Explain the reason why these toys are NOT to be touched, and make it clear that there will be consequences if she chooses to disobey. Do some homework...decide on a consequence that is effective, something that the child will surely want to avoid. She's going to test the waters, and you ARE going have to apply the consequence, so just be ready for that. Do it as SOON as you find out. The most important thing here is, be consistent and firm (but not cruel). Also, have something picked out to reward good behavior. Make it a big deal. Tough love goes a long way because children subconsciously crave boundries...and so does icecream when they've obeyed...who'd have known. ;) If you can get your mother on board with this plan, that's the best thing. But if you can't, don't sweat it. Remember...it's your home...it's your rules. If mom protests, simply put all the toys away, period! The child will soon learn that you are the main authority figure there, not mom. In your case, your mother is slack in the discipline department, so your authority can be a lesson to her, too, because, most likely, she's frustrated about the child's behavior at other times in her home. Be confident and think through the situations that will arise so that you're ready with a steady response to each broken rule. Leave your emotions aside and be steady! You may find out about the child's disobedience long after it has occurred. That's fine. Apply the correction at the first chance you get. Sit her down and remind her of what she did, and explain that you love her too much to let her think she can just freely disobey in life whenever she wants to...then firmly apply the consequence and STICK to your guns!! If you do this right, it will work. I promise. Good luck!

Answer 5

From a health standpoint (and even beyond that), you have every right to voice your opinions!!

First of all, if you are living with your mother, you need to come to an amicable agreement. Even though it is your child, it's her house...and you have to both accept responsibility for what goes on there. If your Mom is just watching your daughter, or if she is just there visiting, you have to lay down the law. Explain that the other child's behavior is unacceptable (not to mention unsafe if she is this destructive), and that the child will no longer be welcome if the problem persists.

If your mother has a hard time grasping at this, face her with the scenario that the 5-year old was having her toys broken and was being terrorized by a child who was older. It won't seem as forgivable then.

No matter how your Mom takes it, YOU are this baby's mother, and with that comes the responsibility of making sure that she is happy and cared for. Don't let her tell you otherwise.

Best of luck!

Answer 6

I would say something to your mother, it is not right this child is breaking your daughters toys, but there is nothing wrong with her playing with them. Kids play with all types of toys no matter what age they are for or if they are for boys or girls. Also why can't your daughter share toys, you said she is a preemie but what does that have to do sharing toys. My daughters are preemies and have been sharing toys for as long as I remember. With my daughters if they can't share a toy, no one gets to play with it. But the 5 year old needs to be punished if she is breaking things and being destructive, you need to say something to your mother and if you mother won't do anything that might just mean they do not come over any more.

Answer 7

This little cousin has some real problems. It's good to hear you love her, but allowing her to get away with misbehavior is no help to her, either. If your mother will not control the little one (and remember Mom is older and "tireder" than you) when they visit, then it is up to you. Mom has really taken on a big job, just when she should be able to sit back and enjoy her grandkids.
If you know they're coming, put your child's toys away or out of reach. Let your mom know that you call the shots in your own home, then let little darling know in a loving way that she may play with certain toys but not others.

Answer 8

Both my children were premature my daughter born just shy of 24 weeks gestation my son born 5 week early. And my daughters immune system is still not "normal" and she is 14. However I can not EVER remember the dr's telling me not to let other children play with her toys. They tell you for the first YR of life to keep them away from other sick people (but this is common sense you do it w healthy babies too). Secondly who cares if it was for a 15 month old not a 5 yr old. My 11 month old plays with my 6 yr old step daughters toys whats the big deal? Sharing toys does NOT make a child ill unless the child that is playing with the toy is sick and slobbering all over it then it is YOUR responsibility to clean it so your child can play with it. I suggest you let your child share her toys now because if you dont teach her to share at a young age she wont do it when she's older. You say you have another child do you prevent the other child from playing with her toys to since you are so paranoid over the germs? If thats the case do you let her sit in shopping carts, does she play outside and put anything her little hands can touch in her mouth? I know the second I blink my son who was also premature is anywhere almost anything goes into his mouth. Your just being anal sorry but you are. Buy a new toy and when the child comes over if your so worried about the kid playing with your childs toys put them away so he cant

Answer 9

Well sounds like saying something is doing no good. Last resort time to me. Tell your mother the child broke the toy and either she pays to replace it or you don't let the kid come over anymore. If it comes to her coming over as a babysitting type thing find a new babysitter and stand your ground, trust me when she can't see her grandchild like that anymore it will get her to do something about the 5 year old's behavior, at least at your place.

Answer 10

C'mon, she's 15 months old now. Are you protecting her from germs? That's a waste of time. She'll get germs no matter what and the other child is in the house so there will be interaction between them. You said you knew this 5 year old breaks things. Don't take toys over there that you're attached to. Maybe you should get some cheap toys just to leave at Grandma's house, if they get broken just let it go. This child is only 5, she needs your forgiveness and understanding.

Answer 11

We frequently hosted company parties/gatherings at our house when my son was young. More than once a child broke one of his toys because they were WAY over the weight restrictions. But the worst was parents who would bring their sick babies to our house and allow them to slobber all over toys that were not easy to clean!!

For a solution, I just started putting the majority of my son's toys in an "off limits" room (with the door shut) when we were expecting other children. I would leave some durable, easy to clean toys in the living room and I would just toss them into a bucket of bleach water if there were any sickies who had been over.