How to politely respons to peoples Why don't you have children?

Question

Ok, asked another question,, ticked a few people off. So I'll ask this one.. People are so nosiy and impolite these days. I'm 24 and have no children or desire to have any. Of course when I'm asked if I say that you cna imaging the heated discussion it brings out.

So when your repeatedly asked Do you have children? How many? Why not? Can you not have children?

How to you answer firmly and effectively and get your point across without being a complete a** , like you would probably liek to be after being repeatedly asked?

Just to clarify ..I am 24 been married for 7 years ( happily) we have just chosen not to have any kids... I don't think that will ever change..

My god.. I just realized i put that i was 24,,, (I wish) Will be 26 next month...

Answer 1

If you are asked "Do you have any children" you look them squarely in the eyes and say "No I don't...and I like it that way".

If they ask another question such as "Why".. You say " Because it is none of your damm business"

Answer 2

I am much older than you and did not have children. I will not go into the reasons why. I have just looked at people and said, "why in the world would you want to know something that personal?" This isn't the best answer in the world but from experience I can tell you that it usually shuts them up.

People who ask these questions are rude. They do not know that perhaps I may have tried for years to have a baby. This is a very hurtful question to ask.

If you have decided not to have children that is your business. I don't know why people always have to know WHY?

In answer to your question, why bother answering them politely at all? They do not deserve a polite answer. Just stare at them when they ask you why. They will get the idea, hopefully.

Answer 3

Miss Manners' scoop on how to deal with these kinds of questions is to first give the transgressor who is asking the question a kind of astounded look followed by a shocked silence, then ask as politely as possible "Why do you want to know?" which puts the questioner in the position of knowing that their question isn't welcome. I'd like to think that would put the people who ask these kinds of questions in place, but my experience is that these people are usually so brazen that they fail to understand that you're trying to tell them they've affronted you.

FWIW, for the first 15 years of my married life, I also had to deal with that question; and it wasn't one I welcomed. My responses varied; sometimes I would tell the questioner that I belonged to a species that died after it spawned, so I was putting off procreation as long as possible. Sometimes I would just say "We're not ready, and I don't think people who aren't ready should have children." Sometimes I would tell the person "I'm a child hater." (This response works especially well with people who think that if you don't have children, you must hate children; it cuts them off at the pass.) Sometimes I would tell them that I would have children when I/my husband grew up. Sometimes, if I was feeling mean, I'd let my chin quiver and my eyes get big, and look at the questioner and say in a quavery voice, "I'm sorry, it always upsets me when people ask that," which is going to make most people who aren't completely idiotic feel aghast that they've asked. And sometimes, if I was feeling playful, I'd tell the person "I have six children! Their names are Shar, Sheena, Shimmer, Shadow, Jaddie, and Jason." and I'd pull out pictures of my cats to show them.

There is no one size fits all answer to the question about children, but thankfully people seem to be becoming more and more conscious that this is an intrusive question, and actually a painful one for some people who have infertility problems.

Oh, and BTW-- when I was 35, after 15 years of marriage, a sudden death in the family convinced my husband and I that we wanted more from our love for each other than a bunch of memories and photo albums if something happened to one of us. Our daughter was born a year later, she's now 14, and the best thing that ever happened to us. (And no, I never ask people about children unless they volunteer something first.)

Answer 4

Simply say, "No, I don't have children." and leave it at that. If they persist and ask, "Why not? Don't you want kids? Don't you like kids?" etc., look at them very pointedly and ask, "Why do you ask?" or (my favorite for people who ask nosey questions [not just about children--about anything]) "What are you going to do with that information?" Normally that lets them know they've gone too far and to just shut up.

I answered your question earlier about rude children, parents being "breeders," etc., and I'm using this space to issue a public apology for being such a ***** when I answered. Mainly because there were probably some women out there who really ARE barren, and I'm sure my answer may have hurt them, even though it was aimed at you. Secondly because I was hurt and upset by your question. Like I said in my response, until you've had kids, you shouldn't form such a strong opinion. It's like that old saying, "Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes." To you (considering you don't have children), I'm sure they are annoying, bothersome, etc. To me (NOT a breeder, I might add), my kids are the light of my life and I would probably kill myself if anything ever happened to either of them. Some people like kids, some don't. It's really not nice to generalize about all children. Not to lecture, but there are certain ages where kids really *can't* be controlled. I'm sure you've heard of the "terrible twos," right? Kids that age are very prone to just having outbursts/screaming fits for no apparent reason. It's not their fault--it's a developmental milestone. All kids do this. I was very hurt/saddened by your question because A) you mentioned that you hate children; and B) you made a generalization that parents are bad. Some parents ARE bad. I have never understood those who just let their children run rampant through restaurants, stores, etc. I would be TERRIFIED of doing that for fear that my kids would be kidnapped, and I think parents who don't keep an eye on their kids should be tarred and feathered.

Misbehaving kids can't help how they act. *Older* ones KNOW better, but without good discipline from their parents (and yes--I am a FIRM believer in spanking) they're going to test their limits. If the parents continue to turn a blind eye and let them get away with it, they're going to continue to do it. It's as simple as that.

I can *sort of* understand the point you made, but please don't take out your anger on the children--take it out on the parents!

Answer 5

Just say that you are "not ready" to take on that kind of responsibility. After all, you are still very young, and have lots of time ahead of you to change your mind, if you so choose.

At least you have that option. I still get asked that question all the time. It's harder for me because I never got to make that choice. I wanted a family, but couldn't conceive, even after surgery. And now, it's too LATE! I suppose people will keep asking me for the rest of my life "WHY" didn't I have any kids, when the truth is, I would have given ANYTHING to be able to do so!!!!!

Remember, circumstances change as we journey through life. Could it be that you just haven't met the right man you WANT to start a family with?!

Answer 6

That's a rude, very personal question. I'm guessing you don't want to say "None of your business"? I guess if you want to respond to such a rude question in a nice way, I'd say something like, "It's not really part of my plan." The annoying thing about this, is that no matter what you say, you're going to offend some people. Some people can't accept that a woman doesn't EVER want to have a baby and it bothers them. Unless you let them assume that you might change your mind in the future, this type of person will just think you're a freak. Do people ever say to you, "Oh you'll change your mind when you get older"? I hate when people say this to me. It's so condescending!

Answer 7

God bless you. You can have children at any time that you want, should you change your mind. Right now, you are young enough to enjoy sports, vacations, dancing, etc. without worrying about costs, baby-sitters, diapers/diaper bags, strollers, car seats,etc.

When you are ready to start a family, you will! Not when someone else decides for you!

Since you are happy to enjoy life without children, then you can smile when you are asked again and say, "No, we aren't going to have any children right now. If they persist, (though no classy person would) keep smiling, but don't share too much information. Usually these types of people will attack whatever you say just to pull you in to their misery.

Yes, I have two children of my own, but we wanted two children. We didn't follow anyone else's orders or suggestions.

Save your money, enjoy a yearly vacation, candlelight dinners, nice furniture, white carpeting, and take a night class together! You can enjoy all of this while your lives still belong to you.

P.S. Remember adoption if you ever decide down the line. NOt all adults want children, but all children want parents.

Answer 8

It is worse when you are a man. You get told that you are going to “burn in Hell” or you get called, “Gay”. They say things like, “Well if you could give it to her right, you would have children.”, or “You have a good job, you should give it up to someone with a family”.

I am 40, so I have put up with this stuff for 20 years.

These days I just change the subject. If that does not work, I say any of the following:

“I am Buddhist, not Catholic, so I am not required, by religion to have children.”

“I don’t like them”.

“When I have a night-mare I can always just wake up, but if I had a child I’d have one during the day.”

“We can’t have kids, and we are OK with it”.

"Kids are not part of our life-plan".

My workmate is Childfree also. She puts up pictures of other peoples kids in her cube so that people will leave her alone.

Good Luck!

Answer 9

Just say this, " because I don`t want to encourage the trend of overpopulation of our planet", or say, " I was a terrible child, why bring another child like me into this world"? Gosh, people have nerve these days to ask personal questions like that!! My friend is married and is childless, by choice and she just doesn`t want to give up her freedom and her house!! Everyone`s different, some people don`t have the supposed " INSTINCT" to bear children. Let me tell ya, they`re alot of work and money!!

Answer 10

I'm 42 and childfree by choice. I simply say that I've never had the desire for children of my own, and I let that be that.

I read an essay years ago, by a woman who was also childfree by choice, and it made such an impression on me that I copied and saved it. I just tried a search on it for you, but couldn't find it. It had a great explanation why so many of us choose never to reproduce.

Answer 11

When I'm asked, I say no. If they push the envelope, as nosey aunts and uncles tend to do, I just say because. It's none of their business. If they keep going, I just walk away, change the subject, or politely and firmly tell them it's none of their concern. "I don't believe that's your concern." is a good response, as is, "I would rather not have this discussion with anyone."