Parenting question...I feel as if I am about to lose it! How can I stop being strict and have order at home?

Question

I am a mother of 4 kids. Son-9, Son-6, stepdaugter-4 (My husband and I have custody of her,she sees mother supervised everyother week), and son-2. I used to be a "push-over mom" when it was just me and my older 2 boys, but when I met my husband we got pregnant and then he got custody of his daughter, I was determined to set rules and follow through. I am a stay at home mom. Husband works ALL the time out of town. I hear myself saying "do this" , "don't do that". Don't get me wrong the kids are GREAT!! We get compliments on their good behavior. But I am sooooo sick of telling them to do this and not that...HOW CAN I GET THEM TO MIND? I feel bad for taking EVERYTHING away (like Dr. Phil says) and spanking doesn't work,it seems as if my daugter could sit in her room for a week and do nothing. It's like no punishment works. How long should I take privileges away or make them sit in their room? PLEASE HELP can I get a step-by-step guide of what to do 1st :) How can I let go?

Answer 1

Try this -- and it'll work for all the children in your home, just with minor tweaks for each age. Logical consequences.

The first thing to remember is that you do not negotiate over things that simply must happen. It's okay to have a discussion with your children about bedtimes, for example, that it's a certain hour on school nights, that younger kids go to bed earlier, etc. But once you've settled on the rules, it's no longer open for discussion.

With your older two -- sit down and tell them that you're not going to argue with them and that the rules are the rules, period. Let them know that you will (1) ask once, (2) remind once, and then comes (3) consequences.

So then, let's say you tell your children to pick up their toys. You say it once. Wait a few minutes. Then say, I have told you already, and this is your last chance to pick up the toys. Give them another couple of minutes to start. If they don't pick up the toys, you send them outside or to another room, and put all the toys into a garbage back and then into a shed or the basement. Keep them for a week. After a week, hand them the bag and tell them to put the toys away.

Here are some other examples -- your little one won't share. Tell him that any toys that cannot be shared have to be put away. If he chooses to put them away immediately, great. If he said he wants to keep them, then he can get another reminder. If he still can't share after a reminder, you put the toy away for him. He can take them out when he is totally alone, or he can share. No need to try to force him over tears & tantrums to share. Let it be his choice and he can decide if it would be more fun to have a playmate with his toys.

If you're at someone else's home, and the four year old is not behaving, tell her once how you want her to act. The reminder is to firmly but calmly that she needs to sit beside you, because she is not having fun and is stopping others from having fun. Tell her she can go back to play when she is ready to have fun again. The last consequence is that you'll need to take her home if she can't quit the behavior. She will never forget a playdate that ended because she couldn't act right.

I once caught my son on his skateboard without a helmet, doing tricks. The skateboard went away for two weeks. No second warning on this one -- and guess who ALWAYS wears his helmet and never needs to be reminded? If it's a matter of safety, so straight to consequences and skip the reminder because you need to make a strong statement.

Last week, my son wore a dirty uniform to school. It's not my job to pick up laundry from under his bed. He complained it was embarrassing. Now who caused that problem? And all this week, his school clothes have been in the hamper without fail.

Now that my kids are older, logical consequences take on a bigger status -- if my son makes my shopping trip miserable, then when he asks to go shopping, I just say no. I tell him when I needed to shop, your actions were so selfish and I didn't have a good time. That makes me not want to go to the store with you again. We'll try later when I go shopping to see how you act, and if you are enjoyable to be around, then I'll take you to where you want to shop afterwards.

Don't let everything be your problem -- kids who make situations that cause their own trouble will quickly learn to knock it off!

Answer 2

1. Sit them down and talk to them. Tell them how you feel. The older three will benefit from this. Tell them that you don't want to have to yell and tell them what to do all the time. Tell them that you understand what it's like to be a kid and some day they will understand what it is like to be an adult. Ask them for help. Ask them what you can do to make things easier and ask them what they can do also. Get their feedback also. After your talk about how to run a less chaotic household, all agree on some stuff and start putting into action. If they ever "forget" remind them that this was everyone's idea.
2. Let them know that you appreciate everything they are doing often (but not too often)
3. Tell them that you know it's not fair that the two year old doesn't have the exact same rules but, they didn't at two either and when the two year old is a bit older he will help as much too. ( my 3 year old automatically helps now because he sees everyone else, it falls into place all on its own)
4. Play with them whenever you can. Sometimes when things get a little frustrating at home with the kids and the house is a mess, I'll start chasing them around and play monster or zombie or whatever with the kids for about a half an hour and get their extra energy out and then afterwards I say OK time to clean now and the kids will say OK and start cleaning.
5. It really is up to you on how to handle your kids, it sounds like you are doing a great job, keep up the good work. I do understand though I have 3 of my own too 8,5,3 and I babysit a 5 year old and my husband too is always out of town. I am always upfront and honest with my kids and I rarely have to tell them what to do because they now just know.

Good Luck!!

Answer 3

First of all, have a crazy day! That means you don't say no (unless there is the threat of bodily harm) for one whole day. By the end of the day, the kids will probably feel horrible because they haven't eaten right and the house will be a mess. Simply take any acion that needs immediate attention (blood, stains, or leaks) then go to bed. In the morning, announce that the kids will be cleaning their messes before lunch. Make breakfast, have them clean and serve lunch when they are done, even if it isn't until 5pm (give the little ones a snack if the day wears on). Then you have a family meeting. You talk with the kids about Crazy Day. What parts were fun? How did you feel without good food? What parts kinda sucked? Then talk about Cleaning Day. What parts were fun? (Usually nothing) What parts sucked? (Make them be specific) Then tell them that you would like the family to have fun like on Crazy Day but work together like on Cleaning Day. Then make a list of hard and fast rules as a family (respect each other, stay out of the kitchen cabinets, whatever is most important for your family). Explain that from now on, you will remind them once of the rule and then they will have to face the consequences. Then send the kids to bed with their usual bedtime routine. Sit down and make a list of "crimes", why each is wrong and what the lesson should be for each. For example: Climbing the furniture, it is wrong because you could get hurt or tear the furniture, being "grounded" is a good lesson here (but not grounded from TV) If they keep tearing up the furniture, there won't be any so the child must sit on the floor (even during dinner, put them on a sheet near the table) and sleep on the floor (no sleeping bag, just a blanket and pillow. This is really fun for one day, but pretty soon they will want the furniture back. (The 2-yr-old should just be put on the floor to sit for a minute or two). If you look at each decision as an opportunity to teach instead of about the "rules" then it is easier to make the point without the "Don't!"s and the "Stop it!"s.
Another good trick is to use reminder notes (with pictures for the pre-readers) instead of having to say it out loud. A picture of a bed can be handed to the kids instead of telling them to make their beds etc.
Your job is not to "raise good kids" your job is to teach these little people to be good adults, keep that in mind and you will not lose the lesson in the teaching.

Answer 4

1st. Breathe Relax and I'm impressed by you already a mother of 4 staying home all day taking care of the children
find or target things your children LOVE absolutely have to do or have everyday and than focus on when they miss behave or don't do what you expect take or remove those things. but also remember your children are still young and i hope that your expectations are practical for children of those ages.
2nd. ask you husband for some support i know he works a lot but explain to him sometimes things are difficult for you with all the children and see if maybe when he is home he could be the punisher.
3rd. ask occasionally for your 9 year old to help you sometimes when feeling overly stressed don't rely on him for too much or for important things but give him small tasks like picking up or say something to the other kids kinda give him duties as your helper explain he's older and you need his help!

Good luck and your a role model just keep that in mind! Most people can't handle one let alone 4!

Answer 5

Sometimes the best way to punish children is not letting them sit in their rooms doing nothing, but making them do as many chores as you can think of. When my children misbehave, they either get spanked, spend time facing their walls to think about what they have done, get privileges taken away from them and an increase in their chores, depending on the crime. My children already have chores they do because they get an allowance but when they are in trouble I always find things for them to do that are not normal chores. For example some of my ten year old son's chores consist of cleaning out his cat's litter, keeping his room clean, helping to keep the play room clean, getting the trash cans from all rooms so my husband can take the trash outside and refill the trash cans with new bags. When he is in trouble, I manage to find things for him to do in the garage, organizing videos in the play room, raking the back yard, sweeping the front porch from dead leaves, etc.... This really gets them to be productive but at the same time shows them the consequences of their actions. It sounds like you have realized that it's a bad idea to be a push over mom and have decided to set rules and stick to them. I commend you for this. It's hard to be a good parent, it's easy to be a bad parent. Keep up the good work!

Answer 6

Wow, the reason in my mind you are feeling like you are losing it is because you have SO many children you are caring for with little help. You have every reason to feel like you are losing it! Sounds like you are doing the right thing and discipline them. Just think of the chaos if you didn't so all you were doing.

I use the min for every year of age for time outs. either in bedroom or naughty chair. I typically give 2 warnings and then that's it! unless its a major offense-than straight to the chair!

i like the book 1-2-3 magic (teachers and school personal use it and it works well, esp when you have limited time)

i would also make sure you have a set routine, make it on paper with the kids and post it. this will help cue them to what needs to be done and how the night is going to flow. This may help eliminate the lulls when they are more likely to get into trouble.

Lastly, your hubby (or family member) needs to give you a break! you can't be all to everyone...you got to get some time for yourself to refresh! (i know easier said than done..i stink at this too!)

Answer 7

I was adopted and I consider myself to be blessed that I have been loved. I new my real mom but id only see her once in a blue moon. When I would go home after spending time with my birth mom it would take days before the hurt and the wondering why i wasnt with her full time hurt me to my very soul. My adopted parents didnt just wait or were on stand by till the pain went away, why would cry with me, and would worry themselfs sick with me because they saw and felt that deep pain I would feel each time. I really think that your adopted parents are scared because they dont want to see you in that kind of pain. No matter how old you are your still theyre sun shine and always will be. Just becareful. And no matter what happens always know your adopted parents where there for you when you birth mother never was. I wish you the very best to you and your family:)

Answer 8

I have schedule books for all 4 of my kids and every hour is accounted for. The older too will look at there's to see what is next My Daughter with ADHD has every 30 mins accounted for and she is much happier. My Baby who is 2 he is slight autistic and repetition is his thing every day same thing and NO fits.
The older ones get good and bad points I also do not alow tv or computer till 1 hour of reading has been done. and they also have play time schedgualed. Don't over stress them.
This does work if you stick to it. If they have a bad day they can see it and know why you had to take things away and why the others get treets.

Answer 9

You will need a 3rd party to help with this. In the old days, we called your kind of kids "spoiled" no matter how well-behaved they are. They have learned not to listen to authority, therefore "spoiled", and you are the one who did it. You won't be able to suddenly treat them differently without a lot of resistance. They are used to getting whatever they want... it's going to be hard to break that expectation. Get help and work at it... it will take a long time.

Think about the important things. Banishment to the room isn't much good if there's a TV, internet, and everything else in there. Hard labor is always good for kids.

Answer 10

you know it is hard to raise kids. It sounds to me as you are doing a great job, keep it up! Your are getting compliments on their good behavior. You should not have to constantly nag, however children need consistancy even if it 7000 times a day you have to tell them something, you still have do do that. You are a GREAT mom. I could not tell you to do anything differently I do much the same as yourself and have a bunch of my own great kids!