What can I do to get over a boyfriend who cheated on me?

Question

I know I will catch a lot of flak for this. Let me start by saying that I am a smart, (usually) confident woman. I say that because I tend to think of women who give cheaters another chance as having low self-esteem. My self-esteem has sunk recently but I have a lot to be proud of - graduate degree, great family, wonderful talents and future opportunities. My boyfriend and I are very different - he is foreign and uneducated, but none of that ever mattered to me, because I loved him unconditionally, completely. I've been busy lately; I think he's felt neglected. He's very needy. He cheated on me and (god, I feel like an idiot even writing this), now he tells me he's moved in with the other woman. I feel heartbroken, but for some reason not strong enough to say I'm finished with him. I feel like I'm starting to obsess over the situation. He actually has the nerve to say he still loves me. I want to move on but feel unable to get past the hurt or give him up to her. What is wrong with me?

Answer 1

That's hard and I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I had a similar experience myself, except I stayed with the guy for 2 more years after I found out about the cheating. I was so hurt that when he said that he still loved me and that the whole cheating had been a mistake, I chose to believe him and forgive him because that was what I wanted to hear. But, things were never the same again after that. I never trusted him again and I carried around a lot of anger because of what he did, which had a negative effect on the rest of my life. When I finally broke up with him, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My friends all told me that I seemed 10 times more confident after the break-up.

Nothing is wrong with you. You have been hurt very badly and it is very normal to feel hurt. It happens to many women, even those who have a lot of accomplishments and a good head on their shoulders, which it sounds like you do. Try to stay focused on your positive attributes. You can't control what your (ex-)boyfriend does or did, but you can control how you chose to respond.

I would recommend doing whatever you can to cut off all contact with him. I know this sounds harsh, but in the long run it is probably a good thing that he has moved in with the other woman. This necessarily imposes some separation and limits the possibility of you two getting back together. My rule (for all ex-boyfriends) is to avoid all contact, including email, calls, and text messages, for 3 months. Force yourself to redefine your life in a way that doesn't involve him at all.

Do whatever you need to do to allow yourself to heal from the shock. Take time off of work if you can, allow yourself to do whatever makes you feel better (like renting movies, eating ice cream, calling old friends, etc.) Once you feel ready to face the world again, think about things you have wanted to do, but have never gotten around to. Relationships necessarily require energy (and bad relationships require a LOT of energy), and now you can focus that energy on something else. You could train for a marathon, take a class, start a book club, whatever. Eventually you will start to feel like yourself again.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

First of all, its over with him, get it through your head. Regardless of whether you want him back or not, he's moved in with the other woman.

Second, I'm sure you _do_ have a lot to be proud of, and I'm sure you have a lot to offer someone else.

Third ... I think you're probably wise to assess your role in the relationship leading up to the cheating. While you may have a tremendous amount to offer, its possible that you weren't offereing it to him.

Some men (and women) will cheat no matter what. Some people won't cheat no matter what. But I'd guess most people will or will not cheat based on to what extent their needs are being met. There's a huge variance in that, some people if you ignored them for a month would probably wander, others would try for years to improve things before caving.

Take what you can from that experience, and apply it going forward. You say you loved this guy completely, but you also say that you've 'been busy' and think he felt neglected.

I'm sure you'll meet and fall in love with other guys. Hopefully you'll be able to have better relationships in the future. It doesn't mean being subservient, but maybe it means being a little more careful with nurturing the relationship (for BOTH of you) and paying a little more attention to whether BOTH of your needs are being met.

Answer 3

If he quite adored you, he could have informed you proper after. There isn't any factor in giving a a technique price ticket to doing it once more? I realize when you took him again ifor he could havery informed you. That simply proves he could have most certainly concealed that from you and under no circumstances informed you. I cheated on a dare with my boyfriend in the course of our sixth moth and it used to be an sincere mistake. Right afterwards I known as him and informed him to fulfill me...we met and I informed him. Anyone can cry...however at final I had the decency to confess to my mistake and gain knowledge of? He did not gain knowledge of anthing...you just about permit him believe it used to be ok. I've been with my boyfriend for two years now and I love him and can under no circumstances harm him like that once more. Maybe it is time he learns and now not simply will get the whole lot again.

Answer 4

Judging by the fact that you have an advanced degree and future aspirations, and he has nothing at all (except for a big libido), I think you should count your blessings that he's gone. I know its hard, but you should try to forget about him and move on with your career. Become successful and make him regret that he left. In the short run, you could always just get a new boy toy and make your ex jealous.

Answer 5

What you are feeling is completely normal. You feel hurt when someone is unfaithful to you, how could you not? I would say make a clean break with the guy and move on, try your best to remember that not all guys will cheat on you. I'm sure he will regret his cheating, but that's no reason to take him back, sounds like you can do better.

Answer 6

Hi Yah!
The quicker you resolve the anger and resentment in your heart toward your ex the better for you! Forgive him in you heart (that means you don't have to contact him) This is about you. The very intelligent and confident person you are is still there. "My boy friend and I are different"...hmmm... maybe you had a part in this...selecting someone who sub-consciously you knew would not work out. "Learn" from this and set your sensors higher. You deserve to have the best. Please don't ever...settle for!

P.S. Give him up to her implies you have control...not!

Good Luck !

Answer 7

i don't or i should say i've never been in a relationship with two women at the same time i don't believe in that cause there is saying that, do suh na like suh, but you could cheat back on him tomake even or as i would do if a woman cheat on me i would leave her,in your case leave him.

Answer 8

don't be so sure about what he had said to you,...think..!!!!you're not that stupid to come back to him....he cheated on you!!!!!and it's not your fault to be so selfish....you know...!!!maybe he just want to move on because you've been busy....and you did'nt have a time to spent with him.....maybe that's the reason why he cheated on you.....so!!!! if you can find someone else..go for it...!!??you can be just friends with the guy who cheated on you.....

Answer 9

E-mail me.