My fiance and I have been together for 7 years, and for that 7 years he has had this friend that treats women like crap and has never had a long term relationship. He is 30 and lives with his twin brother. We have never really gotten along because he thinks that I "tie my fiance" down. I think he is either jealous or does not understand what it takes to be with someone long term. My fiance wanted him to be in the wedding party, and I was not happy about that. His friend has made negative comments about our relationship and us getting married from the beginning. He has had more of an attitude lately and has been flaky to my fiance so I told my fiance that I would not be happy with him in the wedding. So my fiance told him he was no longer invited and that he was sorry. This basically ended their friendship. My girlfriends say it was a good thing because my fiance had to choose, and he chose right. Others say that you never x a groomsmen. Am I wrong in this picture?
2007-05-01 01:32:51 · 23 answers · asked by Elizabeth R 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
actually, i think that you handled it pretty well. the key is what your fiance said. you can't MAKE him get rid of his own groomsmen. but kudos to him for seeing his friend as a threat and just a downright antagonist in your marriage. it's good that he's wise enough to see that. since he also felt that his friend represented an unwanted risk, i would say that you BOTH handled it very well. kudos and congrats to both of you. hopefully this is a sign of many more issues that the two of you will work out together and find that marriage is, although challenging...also worth it.
something that the friend may never know.
good luck
EDIT - i will make one other comment. i'm sorry, but the wedding day is BOTH of your "days". the guy should get a say in things too. Now before i get absolutely flamed by most of the women, i will also set things straight by saying that MOST guys seem to have a careless attitude towards the wedding, almost as if it's a nuisance. they prefer the girl to do all the planning. which works out well for many girls. however, you gotta make it work. my advice to engaged couples is to figure out who wants to do what before you assume that the other person wants the same thing. don't arrogantly assume that YOU'LL be doing all the planning and have complete control, just like you shouldn't assume that you won't have to do any work and the other person (usually the girl) has to do it all.
cheerio
2007-05-01 01:39:07 · answer #1 · answered by blackhawks4life 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
My husband has the group of guy friends too. One of those guy friends is a terrible person (but apparently quite good with the ladies so he is always invited for "guys night"). He physically attacked one of my friends a few years ago. My friends say since it didn't happen to me, I should let it go. My friend has let it go. However--this guy is the type who has probably attacked any woman who said no.
He also spread a lot of vicious rumors about me many years ago--when he asked me out on a date and I said no. That action costs me some very dear friendships.
I don't believe this individual has changed and just b/c we may share some mutual friends did NOT mean I wanted the sight of him marring my day. I told my then-fiance that he was allowed to pick any groomsmen he wanted but that this individual in particular was not to be invited.
Why would you (or your fiance) want someone at your wedding who treats you like crap, has a chauvinistic attitude, and is completely against both the institute of marriage and your relationship?
Clearly this guy doesn't like your fiance that much either--as he was willing to end the friendship b/c he wasn't invited to the party, without knowing the details. Would the situation have been different if you were having a small wedding with only close family? He wouldn't have been invited then--would he have stopped talking to your fiance?
I agree with your girlfriends. This guy is a horrible waste of space on the planet and the two of you are far better off with him no longer speaking to you. Your fiance didn't have much of a choice b/t his love and a flaky jerk--but he chose well and I doubt he'll ever look back!
You are 100% not wrong. You told your husband that it would not make you happy, and he stepped up like a man and dealt with the situation. It would have been different if you had called his friend and ended the friendship for him...that would have been a lil controlling. But your fiance explained it to him (I'm sure politely) and he overreacted ending the friendship. The friendship was over anyway and you hold 0% blame for that.
Consider it your wedding gift from him that you have this jerk out of your life and be happy!
2007-05-01 01:50:20 · answer #2 · answered by phantom_of_valkyrie 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I understand perfectly where you're coming from but marriage is about compromises so the sooner you get use to that, the better off you and your relationship will be. Also remember that this is a special day for both of you. While I commend you for being up front with your fiance and telling him that you weren't comfortable with this man being part of the wedding party, I don't feel you should have put your foot down and made him drop the guy. Yes, your fiance needed to make a decision but what you did was just confirm in the other guy's mind that you are indeed tying your fiance down... and you may have made your fiance feel that way as well. If the guy was being as flaky as he seems to be, I'm sure your fiance would have made a good decision eventually.
Good luck with your wedding and in your marriage! Congratulations!
Addition: I have to agree with triskaidekaphobiac; this is a special day for both you and your fiance but communication is vital in any relationship! Start now by discussing what's important to BOTH of you at the wedding and don't assume the whole party's on your shoulders.
2007-05-01 02:08:20 · answer #3 · answered by cgspitfire 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like the groomsman is finally getting what he deserves. Loneliness and alienation from what he once called a friend. It is okay to NOT like someone, but a true friend would have "sucked it up", played his part in the wedding and done so in an appropriate manner. As a true friend he could have told your fiance about his feelings, and then carried on with the wedding in a normal fashion. Friends are those who you can tell anything to --good or bad--and have your differences and still be there for one another. Sounds like the fiance's friend really wasn't much of a friend afterall---so don't feel guilty about what ever decision you and your fiance have made to include or exclude the so-called friend....just get married, enjoy yourself, and if this friend is truly a friend...he will make ammends. He may still never, ever like YOU, but he can at least be civil with YOU. Good Luck & Congrats!
2007-05-01 01:43:18 · answer #4 · answered by Quad Momma LUV the dunes! 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you are not wrong and neither is your fiance.
People need to remember that being asked to be in wedding is an HONOR. And if you do not think the wedding is a good idea, you should decline. Not accept and then make nasty comments.
Your fiance did the right thing. And your friend is correct. This guys sounds like he would be making trouble in your marriage anyway. Maybe your fiance WANTED to unload him as a friend anyway and you were just a good excuse.
Whatever the reason, this nasty man is gone. Hoperfully for ever...count your blessings and forget about it.
2007-05-01 10:41:56 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had a similar problem, but I let my fiance ask that friend (that he considers to be a brother) to be a groomsman. I drew the line at best man though! Well this friend seems to be putting a greater effort into being nice to me...which may not sound like much, but respect is all I really ask for...anything beyond that is good too.
Like you, I know that this friend is just insecure, jealous, and resentful and he always will be, so I dont think you made the wrong decision here...if my man and this friend weren't so close, I would have done the same thing!
2007-05-01 02:55:12 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you are completely right. My fiance has a newly single "friend" who is constantly trying to get him to smoke weed (yuck), go to strip clubs, bars, etc. and hang out with single girls. It's ridiculous. My fiance always tells him no, but he doesn't get the hint. A true friend will respect the fact that someone is in a serious relationship and has given up those things.
I told my fiance that if this "friend" is in the wedding, he can count me out. I'm sure I'm just an evil witch in his friend's eyes, but I really don't care. It's not my fault that he has no respect for our relationship. I know my fiance is happy with me, and I am very happy with him, and he didn't give anything up which he didn't want to give up for me. So oh well.
But just make sure your fiance knows how much you appreciate it. I know it's hard for guys to just dis a "friend" like that, so make sure he realizes WHY you wanted him to do it.
Good luck and have a wonderful wedding! :)
2007-05-01 01:51:54 · answer #7 · answered by Niki from Indiana 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are probably not going to like my answer, but here goes:
If you were having a bridesmaid that was a good friend of yours and your fiance did not like her, would you back off and tell her she couldn't be in the wedding?
Like I tell my friends who have to invite family members they don't like...put your feelings aside for just one day, don't let anything spoil it for you.
And so what if he thinks you will "tie your fiance down." Of course you are, but he is marrying you and wants it that way. Who cares what the groomsman thinks.
But I would not risk my first marital fight over something as trivial as a groomsman that is his friend standing up in the wedding. It's only a few hours and chances are, besides the dinner and the dance with the bridal party, you probably will be so busy with your other guests, you won't even notice him.
And of course your girlfriends would say its a good thing, they are your girlfriends and loyal to you.
In any case, best of luck to the both of you and I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness.
2007-05-01 02:09:53 · answer #8 · answered by Sr. Mary Holywater 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Doesn't sound like it. It sounds like the groomsman didn't support the wedding so he was a moron to accept in the first place. And it sounds like your fiance supports and agrees with your judgement because he essentially 'lost' a friend for you.
As far as never xing a groomsman or a bridesmaid - well those individuals are sorely mistaken. Now you shouldn't fire someone because they won't cater to your every wedding whim, but if they are not supportive and do not show up to events and things that have been pre-arranged then yea get rid of them!
2007-05-01 01:39:25 · answer #9 · answered by chickey_soup 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly what you mean, My bf had a friend that treats me the same way, and i told my bf that when we get married i dot want his friend in the wedding either.... they have been friends since Jr high, and he feels i hold him down too. I was mostly hurt when this past summer me and my bf took a "brake"(i asked for it, since i felt he was not there emotionally for me). well during that time he filled my bf head with a bunch of crap about i was seeing other people, which was a total lie. well upon getting back together, he told my Bf that he was getting back with me there friendship was over... happy to say that was 8 months ago and my relationship with my bf is better then ever!!! If his friend cant accept you as he has his friend, then screw him, apparently he cant be happy for his friend.... I get along with all my boyfriends other friends, just not that one! Good luck to you and your hubby to be and remember its your guys day!!!
2007-05-01 05:07:08 · answer #10 · answered by cherrygirrl02 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋