After a miscarriage, didn't these "comfort sayings" aggrivate you???

Question

"It was meant to be" WHAT? How do you know what was meant to be? When a child dies of cancer (God forbid), you don't tell the parent "it was meant to be". When a teen dies of a drug overdose, you don't say "it was mean to be". Why is this any different?
"At least it was early" - Yes,it would have been worse if it were later,that's true. But that doesn't make the present situation NOT PAINFUL!!!!! And I lost the baby early, but every step of the way,every milestone,I am missing!! It isn't JUST an 8 week fetus that is gone, it's the 12 week girl/boy!!!",the getting bigger, the tummy being gone,the not needing maternity clothes,no kicking,the due date passing with no baby!!!!
"It would have had big problems" - So what you are saying is I should be happy my baby died? I would have loved ANY baby, sick or well. Dying because it was sick is not a comforting thought!!
Yes, I realize they meant well!!!! Just venting!

Answer 1

I know exactly what you mean. People are so insensitive. Every year I bawl on the day I was due, knowing full well that probably would not have been his birthday. But its the only day I have. Every year I think of things he could have been doing, how he would look, how smart he'd be.... There are no comforting thoughts when you lose a child. I even hate the I'm sorry's. Your sorry? Do you honestly think that helps. Its just a phrase people say when they dont know what to say. Its generic. Tell me something real or just hold me. Don't patronize me. Don't feel in the silence. Let me grieve. Grieve with me, if you have to fake it go away because your just going to pis* me off with the empty words and insensitivity that comes when your uncomfortable. I just wanted to scream I lost my child damnit!!! Don't you realize that? Are you saying if your child developed a problem you'd wish it dead to make your life better?!?!?!? Its the same thing!!!!! I still can't handle the thoughts. I got pregnant again 4 years later and do you know what people actually said to me? "oh thats great honey. now you'll have a baby to replace the other one." Hopefully you can keep this one in-haha what dont be so sensitive i was kidding" seriously. Bastards. Sorry, I just get carried away

Answer 2

I know exactly how you feel. I had a miscarriage at 6 1/2 months. I went into preterm labor and my son did not make it.I got so pissed when people would say " Oh, you can just have another one", or "you can just try again". The people didn't realize what I went through to try to have that one. Or I got alot of "Well, you were only 61/2 months, don't be sad, you can be sad when you 9 months and loose it" A miscarriage is painful at any stage in pregnancy. I use to not say anything back, because they meant well. But after hearing comments like those so many times, I began to yell at these people. I don't care if they ment well, they need to think before they speak. I don't understand why people can't say "I"m sorry to hear about your loss." and then just shut their mouths.

Answer 3

And you deserve to vent. Sometimes the rest of us just do not know how to respond. When my sister miscarried her baby, my mom actually told her that it wasn't really a good time for her to be pregnant anyway and it was better this way (she had just found out her husband was cheating on her)... We all feel the need to fix things and to make others feel better, but sometimes it is just better to shut up and listen. The grieving mother does not need to hear rationalizations... She needs love and support. No one can feel her pain.

Personally, I think a big hug is the best response when someone tells you news like this. Or just say, I am here if you ever need to talk or need a shoulder to cry on. I tell people point blank that I know nothing I say will make their pain any less, but if I could I would. Then I tell them that I will be there any time of day or night if they need to talk... With my sister it was a little different because we are so close I felt I had to say more -- So I told her that "the world wasn't ready for your baby and he or she is waiting in heaven for when it is ready" -- I think it helped her to think that her baby did not really die, she would just have to wait a little longer than 40 weeks to meet him or her...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you have friends and family that are there for you without those empty words to try to make you feel better.

And as far as cards, get the kind of card you would get anyone after a loved one dies. After all, that is what happened...

Answer 4

well vent away, you are fully entiltled. But when I had my miscarriages, I looked at it like this, it wasn't their fault, if I was in their position...what in the world would I say. I would want that person to know that I cared and that I understood. I tried to see it from their view, yes I suffered greatly, but I still had to be a person of empathy, just like they were. It is very hard, but really, is there anything that anyone could possibly say that would make you feel better, no, but if they didn't say anything at all, then you would think they didn't care. So they are stuck in between a rock and a hard place. My mom always told me, that the body "gets rid" of the fetus if there is a problem, and that I need to be thankful that I didn't have one later when it could have harmed me, or had a still born. Yes it was hard...but you have to always look at how it could be worse. How bad it really could have been. It is the logical side of things...the part that isn't working for us too well at the time. I am very sorry for your loss, I know I don't know you , but I do know the pain and don't wish it upon anyone...You will heal and just try not to let your anger about what has happened to you...spread to other areas of your life. Good luck and God bless you.

Answer 5

Absolutely. Personally, the "it wasn't meant to be" comment was the absolute MOST aggravating of all!!
The truth is, no one really knows what to say when a woman loses her child... especially if they have never experienced it themselves. Instead of coming up with something insightful or comforting to say (or God forbid, just being there to listen and let you grieve), most people lean on cliches. It's very irritating, I agree. Next time you hear one of those predictable "comfort sayings" just tell them you'd rather have a hug.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Answer 6

You are so right.
Nothing anyone says seems to be right.
However, I think that they are just looking for SOMETHING to say, and not really thinking of the effect it will have on those going through the situations.
Most people just dont know what to say, and grasp at straws in difficult situations.
They try to relate, but they can't unless they've been there.
It will get easier, but you will always think about your baby.
If you are having trouble coping, make sure you have someone you can talk to. Perhaps your doctor could recommend a support group.
Time will heal your pain, I know it doesn't seem like that now, but stay strong, and cry when you need to.
Best of luck, so sorry for your loss.

Answer 7

4 yrs ago my wife and I lost an 8 month old baby that in spite of having some very serious problems that showed up on early scans, we were determined to take to full term. when we lost her the doctor told us that she was not "viable" and that we had been blessed to have carried her but that God was some how letting us off the hook for the faith we had shown. Utter bull **** of course but well meaning none the less. I think the truth is that people feel uncomfortable about death and when something as tragic as loosing a child comes into play it makes them want to cringe and puke, but they still feel compelled to "comfort" those who have lost.
I know I am only the father but I agonized over the loss of our baby as much as my wife did. Please trust me that the horror you may be feeling for your loss will pass and those happy times< like when you spoke to her in your tummy and rubbed her and watched your diet and thought about how you would do her hair for school and all those things (honest to GOD I am crying right now) will bring a feeling of gratefulness that you got to know her even if it was such a brief, brief time.

Answer 8

Yes! They aggravated me in the worst way possible! I just had a miscarriage less than a week ago and every single person said the same thing. I just wanted to smack em in the mouth. I mean i told my boyfriends grand ma and she said, are you sure that's what it was? Come on! the she said well god does every thing for a reason, there was proly problems, i know people who had one when they were 4 months along! Really it was not what i wanted to hear, I'm very upset and and have to listen to that stuff.

Answer 9

I think anyone that has had a miscarriage understands what you are saying. The other thing I hated was how everyone would tell me their stories of their miscarriages and how they were worse. I just wanted it to be my time to grieve. I didn't want to hear that someone else had it worse. I am sorry you lost your baby and I am sorry that others don't know how to just listen and be supportive.

Answer 10

Yes, I actually found a site that listed the top 10 things not to say for a miscarriage and those were all on there. Plus finding a card for someone is tough, because they even print some that that stuff.