Is there a gracious way to resign as maid of honor for a wedding 6 months away?

Question

"Shayla" lived in the apartment beneath mine four years ago. We've had months of not speaking to one another at different periods, and I have felt very betrayed by her in the past. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and I agreed. When she began fighting with her maid of honor I got "promoted" to the position. To make matters worse, she admits she doesn't love him, and is constantly looking up exes and talking about trying to find a "fling" since she has a "free cheat" to get even with her man for an affair he had with one of his exes. I have asked her if she is sure she wants to marry him, and she says it doesn't matter since divorce is so easy. Should I suck it up and shoulder all this work for a friend I'm not sure is that close? Should I tell her how I feel about participating? Is there a gracious way out?

This may or may not make a difference, but I should have mentioned that "Shayla" has very few friends and calls me her "BFF" (Her previous maid of honor was her sister.). I'm not certain that she could replace me with anyone within driving distance.

Answer 1

As much of a pain in the *** as it may be, you'll get some major karma points if you suck it up and do this. You said that she may not be able to replace you that easily, so while she may deserve to get left out in the cold, is it really the right thing to do? Yes, this isn't going to be that much fun, but in the long run, you'll feel like an awesome person for doing this. Going by how unhealthy her relationship sounds, there may not be a wedding to go to in the end anyway. While you may not agree with her future marriage, its her stupid mistake to make if she does go through with it and there isn't anything you can do to change that. If it goes as badly as you think it might, then let the wedding be the end of your dealings with her. You don't have to be her personal wedding ***** either, all the maid of honor really has to do is sign the marriage license and hold the bouquet and the ring. The other duties are optional depending on the situation. I'll probably get a bunch of thumbs down for telling you to go through with it, but I know if I were you, I'd feel way too awful to back out no matter how much it was going to suck. Afterall, you knew these things about her when you agreed to be a bridesmaid and you did it anyway, and truthfully, there is no "gracious" way out unless something really bad happens that you have no control over to prevent you from going to the wedding. She'll probably be super pissed and make your life miserable anyway. Good luck. This is a sucky position to be in.

Answer 2

You absolutely should not stand up for her as her maid of honor if you don't think she loves him. When you stand up for someone, you are promising that you will do eveything ou can to support that marriage. Can you do that with a clear conscience if you know she does not love him.

Chances are, by the sounds of it, the wedding may not go on anyway. But just in case, tell her you can't do it. I would tell her why also. Tell her that you feel very strongly that is you are going to stand up for the bride, you should be sure that she is really in love with the groom and is getting married for the right reasons. Remind her of the conversations that you've had in the past about the "free cheat" and "easy divorce". Tell her you are not comfortable being in her wedding. If she protests, stand firm.
NO, do NOT suck it up for this one. She's not a good enough friend to go through the expense of a dress, shoes, hair, throwing a shower and all the other hassle of being the maid of honor (done it three times myself...trust me on this). Save all your hard work for a friend you KNOW will appreciate it!

Answer 3

Be gracious??? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!

If you are having even vague morality issues with this (and it seems that you're actually falling into the extreme issue end of things!) then I say quit. You don't need to be nice about this... she's a low-life!

Just tell her that with regard to how she's behaving and based on her perspective of marriage, that you feel it would be too emotionally draining for you to participate in her wedding. Tell her too that what she's doing is completely immoral and she really should reconsider marrying the poor slob who's gotten suckered in.

And just because I'm not one to stand by and let things pass, I would inform her fiance of her attitude and actions....I'm sure he'd probably thank you for your forthrightness...because obviously his bride to be is not exactly ethical on any level.

EDIT: If even her sister has "abandoned" her then there MUST be a good reason. DO NOT feel guilty about this....if anyone should feel any sort of guilt it should be the twit who thinks its ok to get married but not be committed to the guy, or treat the vows as so much toilet paper! DO NOT blackmail yourself into doing this!! If you don't want then don't.

Answer 4

First, ask yourself if you still want to be this person's friend. If not, I would just tell her flat-out that you are not comfortable attending the wedding because you don't agree with her reasons for getting married. If she protests, tell her that it would be a huge waste of time and money to get married knowing that she'll get divorced.

But be sure to put it back on yourself (to avoid a big fight) by saying you would feel like you are taking advantage of her hospitality by being the maid-of-honor and come up with a valid excuse for not being able to devote the time like a maid-of-honor should.

If she gets really mad, you know someone else will be promoted and you'll be off the hook. If she takes your advice and wants to be better friends - well you'll have to ask another question for that!

Answer 5

I don't know about a "gracious" way out, but I would flat-out tell her I want nothing to do with a wedding where the bride is on the lookout for a pay-back fling. Sounds like a divorce waiting to happen. She may be mad and cut you out of her life, but I would consider that a bonus! This does not sound like someone you want in your life anyway.

Answer 6

That is completely up to you. However when you start out your friendship by saying she had the apartment below mine...that doesn't sound like you are actually her friend.

I know if it were me in your position--my integrity does not allow me to stand up there and support a union that I feel is wrong. Thats what a bridesmaid is--a show of support. And as a friend, if she loved a guy I felt was wrong for her, but she really loved him--sure I could support her. But I dont believe in starter husbands. I don't believe in temporary marriages b/c they look help get your free publicity for your new movie about to be released. I believe marriage is for life.

Now as that is my stance, and it is a firm position to have taken--I cannot then support someone who clearly says they plan to betray their marriage vows and get a divorce.

6 months is plenty of time to allow her to find another bridesmaid. And plenty of time to wash your hands of this kind of mess.

Answer 7

Tell her how you feel. Say that you do not want to participate in a wedding that she plans to make a failed marriage. As for her having to find another maid of honor, it doesn't seem as though she even wanted you as it to begin with, so she could find someone else. If the dresses have already been made, you could/should offer to pay for it.

Answer 8

Yikes, it looks like Shayla is out of her mind and is being very inconsiderate to you AND to her future husband! If you don't want to be her maid of honor, tell her that you really don't feel like you can commit to the duties that are necessary for a maid of honor because of your own busy life etc.

This marriage is not going to last and it sounds like she knows it so why is she going through with it???

Answer 9

Just be honest and say that you don't agree with the marriage and how she acts. For that reason you can not participate in the wedding. It does not seem like you have a great friendship so it does not matter if they don't talk to you for awhile.

Good Luck.

Answer 10

Being requested to be a participant in a wedding ceremony is a excellent social gathering and could no longer be taken gently. despite the indisputable fact that, the shape itself has to have extra meaning than what this lady makes it out to be. evidently your heart isn't in this. if it quite is the case, you should opt for what you're prepared to do or no longer do. i imagine that once you've particular reservations about being her maid of honor, then evidently you want to inform her that. the component is marriage is a sacred experience and it sounds as this lady is popping it into an exercising in futility. Is that what you want to affix? Your situation about her no longer having many acquaintances is your problem because why? This lady sounds as if she is a taker and would not provide a lot in go back. It also sounds that you quite do not desire to attempt this. that's the deal, she has six months formerly the marriage and in case you opt for to again out because it would not sense proper, then accomplish that; despite the indisputable fact that dont sense in charge about the very truth she doesnt have many acquaintances. it variety of feels that she is the single which placed herself in that postion and its no longer your position to target to save her from that. imagine about what it truly is you want to do; even if you should stay contained in the marriage or again out. You do have the right to regulate your options. as well, i imagine its somewhat presumptuous on her area to "promote" you to a postion with out even asking you first. you look to be a right down to earth gal, in basic terms imagine about what feels proper for you and what you're prepared to do or no longer do and then bypass from there. you've the solutions interior of you and also you quite do not desire every person's suggestion because in basic terms you knows what's nice for you.